Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
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ok im gonna tell you from the start if thats ok, think its important you know the full story!
So we met at uni, Im 20 he is nearly 22. We were at a mutual friends party and during the course of the night he started talking to me. He walked me home asked for my number and left. In the morning he texted me a bit, i thought he was really nice and then gradually over the next few days the texting became pretty regular. There were times when he seemed a bit too interested and it freaked me out a bit but I tried not to worry and he did tone it down
so for the next 6-7 weeks we texted each day from afternoon onwards, he would reply within half an hour or so and i would see him like once or twice a week, we just had dinner together and chilled out, watching a movie, he never tried anything on with me so for that i thought he was really nice as a lot of guys ive seen before are quick to get me into bed! Gradually though as the weeks went on i found i really trusted him and we began to sleep together. he was nice and said he wouldnt pressure me and kept asking if i was ok and did i want to stop at all. so it all seemed to going great
Then nights out, once or twice he came out with me and my friends although i do have a few friends whp are a bit crazy and i think to an outsider of our group we can be a bit wild!! but the majority of the time he would go out with his own friends and either met up with me in a bar or club or meet me outside and take me home
then I began to get paranoid that sex was his end goal and since we had done it he wouldnt want to know me anymore but he still texted me loads and invited me over so i relaxed and realised this wasnt the case. also we didnt have sex every time we saw each other and he never tried anything on. so still seems to be fine!
then he went on a family holiday mid-term to holland. i was worried i wouldnt speak to him for a week cos of international rates etc but on the monday morning i got a message and he had found me on whatssapp and for the whole time messaged me whenever he could get wifi and i thought that was really sweet. when he came back he was eager to meet me so we saw a lot of each other that week. then it begins to go odd!
What that happened?
How that happened?
we got set a couple of tough essays which he was stressing about. he studies german so i understood its double hard cos he got to write it in another language! he began messaging me really late in the evenings instead of the afternoons. initially i was pretty chilled about it cos he was working and we are third year so its tough but then one day i thought id text him first but he didnt reply for like 5 hours! when he did it was long and he said sorry he wasnt ignoring me he just wasnt texting anyone cos it was really distracting. the next day it was fine and he was more chatty but before i went to bed he said chat tomorrow. problem is tomorrow and the next day came and he didnt message me. I understood he has to work but thought it does not take 2 mins every hour or so to drop me a message if he cared he would!
eventually i messaged him in a casual way and he replied saying he really appreciated how i obvs care about him and think about him and he thought i was so lovely. he apologised again for not replying to me. i was a bit annoyed but gave him the benefit of the doubt
next day was friday ie going out night! i told him i was out and he said he would too if he got his work done. he messaged me a bit that evening then i went to my friends. i didnt hear from him after that until much later when he texted asking where i was as he decided to go out
i told him where but he never replied and i eventually realised when i bumped into him thatt it was cos he had gone to the club where there is no phone signal! he was at the bar chatting to another girl so i got paranoid and went over to him to say hi. he saw me and looked really pleased, kissed me and led me away to a quieter corner
he asked me about this mutual friend we both have as for some reason he thought me and this guy had a thing together, we didnt and i told him that. he was pretty drunk at this point bare in mind. he told me since he met me he realised girls can actually be nice as his ex cheated a lot. they were together 2 years and only broke up a week before he met me!! she dumped him for another and is now in another relationship but he said he never loved her and anticipated the split for months! he told me he thought i was special and he told his family and friends all about me and now they always ask after me. so i thought thats nice but then he said how he doesnt want commitment again yet as he is enjoying his freedom (sorry im nearly done!)
i was a bit worried about what he meant by this freedom thing but cba to ask as he was super drunk! we went back to dance floor where we kissed a lot and at the end of the night he came back with me. I was really confused and needed to think so refused to have sex with him. he didnt seem to mind and told me he likes me cos his ex just wanted to sleep with him all the time and i dont seem like that
in the morning he remembered nothing at all of the night before so the whole convo was a bit pointless!
that day we texted like usual but sunday we didnt as he still had another essay to do so i left him to it. we talked on monday but randomly he didnt reply to me mid convo until tuesday! and then tuesday my house had a party. he was invited and said he he would come but he then got set a translation to do so couldnt. he invited me back to his though after the party if i wasnt too late. i was a bit nervous of that cos it sounded like a booty call but my friends urged me to go cos i dont think hes using me for sex and i thought i might be able to chat to him and tell him my concerns. I didnt though as we had such a great time that night and the morning i thought if i pressure him for 'the chat' thing after just 2 months he might freak out and never speak to me again
then the next few days we did text but again sometimes he would randomly not reply until the morning and despite having finished his essays he would still take hours and hours sometimes up to 5 hours to reply to me. its frustrating as i know he has a life to lead but texting is quick and easy, i dont expect it all the time but would have thought an hour is decent to reply!
then thursday just gone he was really annoying about texting like taking hours again and i really started to wonder about him. he said he was just watching a movie to why does he need two hours to reply?! then later that night he said the movie was done and his flatmates had gone to bed so began texting quickly again. i mentioned how i couldnt get to sleep so he offered to come over and watch a film with me. I said he could and he did. all we did was watch the film and fall asleep. friday morning he left and didnt contact me again all friday. that night i bumped into him in town, he was so drunk! he kissed me and whilst that happened my friends got tired and went home leaving me with him and his mates
he was all over me one minute but drifting around the next. luckily i knew two of his friends so could stick with them but he just ignored me so much of the time! then he asked why i never get off with other guys and i said cos im not like that but thoughtit was a weird thing to ask! eventually when we left he asked why i stayed so late. i told him cos my friends had disappeared and i wanted to go home with him. he said he wanted to go home with me too and he told me he enjoyed the night before and we should do it more often.
we got back home and pretty much passed out. in the morning again he couldnt remember anything but everytime i said i needed to go and do work he kept saying noooo stay with me. he even told me i should leave stuff like makeup and cereal etc at his so i dont have to go home to shower and eat and i can stay longer in the mornings
that afternoon after i left we texted but again he took ages to reply. his last reply i didnt get till sunday as i fell asleep so i replied in the morning saying sorry i fell asleep but are you enjoying your day? he didnt reply until monday at mid day! i then really started to feel so confused so took my time in replying until the evening when i just couldnt be bothered to reply to him again. my guy friends told me not to reply as we just cant work him out and what hes doing with me.
I dont know if hes using me for something or if hes losing interest or if he is scared of trusting me. Thats really why i wanted to talk to you!
sorry its so long but that is the whole story!
Did his friends tell you if they knew what was going on with him?
I can see why you feel this concerned.
It makes sense for you to feel worry, since you use to share through texting this much and this is how you actually built what you got in this young relationship, then he suddenly started to not communicate, and then it seems evident there have been excuses and no valid reasons for him not to reply or to contact you as l=before, even more when well aware of how you feel and that you are dating and got this close to each other.
Any or more than one of those reasons could match reality, there is no way to know for sure, but it is evident he has not been truly honest and open, nor consistent with his words about what he feels and wants in this relationship.
i dont know his friends well enough to ask them really
If what he said about his ex-girlfriend is true, it seems he got very traumatized by her betrayal, but I think you also said he did not truly loved her that much, then it should not have been this overwhelming for him. Also he has been drinking a lot and that shows he is repressing and hiding things, trying to numb what he feels, then it seems necessary for him to start being more open and honest towards you about what's been going on.
when he is with me he is so affectionate and caring and when he does text he is chatty and interested in my day and what im up to. it just feels a bit like he will text me when hes not preoccupied with other things, like im at the bottom of his list of priorities! on the first night out i mentioned to you he told my friend he likes me and she said he seemed genuine. its like he talks the talk but doesnt walk the walk!
I see. he has asked you to get some of yours stuff at his place, what could show he wants to have you closer, but at the same time your fear about him using you, once he has significantly reduced communication would make sense.
his behaviour on nights out is truly baffling! cos i know he wants to spend time with friends so me showing up might not have been what he wanted but he did keep going to the bar with this other girl :/ yet he kissed me in front of her! and why do you think he would ask me why i dont go off with other guys on nights out?
Right, he has been getting less present and not closer to you that's obvious here, but he is not telling you what's the core issue
Absolutely, that is a very concerning red flag, it i snot normal for your boyfriend to tell you something like that at all
we are not together though. we have only been seeing each other, so no exclusivity has been established
some ppl tell me he is using me so he doesnt have to think about his ex, others say hes trying to work out what he wants and others say he is scared to get close cos of trusting me
then if that's the rule you both have agreed to follow, your expectations should be consistent with that, and he could be with any other girl and you should have to be fine with it, since you agreed that is the way you are doing this. Then his question would make sense.
so he is telling me he wants to get with other girls?
we never discussed this though, so had i never been on these nights out i wouldnt know this is what he wants
i would think this was leading somewhere and it was only me he was sleeping with!
All of them make sense, but as long as he does things into the boundaries and conditions you agreed to follow, there is not much you could expect about him showing any form of commitment, reciprocity
so does this sound like the kind of guy who will never change his mind and want to commit?
does this explain why he talks to me less?
He talking to you less, regardless the cause, shows he is not focusing on deepening the level of intimacy and attachment in your relationship. But you agree to have this non-exclusive relationship and he could also be interested and expecting other girls in her life and not being totally honest, there is no way to know since you do not know him enough.
ok well i do really like him and if he wanted a relationship i would go for it but im aware he doesnt want one yet. I just think he should have been honest when sober and exxplained to me earlier on what he wanted cos i feel he led me on a lot!
cos the way he acted initially was like he wanted more
i definitely dont want to go down the open relationship route as i know that will hurt me a lot, the more i see him the more i will feel and i doubt that will be the case for him
but at the same time if he is feeling like he might be ready to commit sooner rather than later i dont want to mess things up by ignoring his texts or giving him that chat which will probably push him further away!
Absolutely, I totally agree with you, this could not help you because of the way you feel, your values and expectations around relationships.
but i dont want to feel all this worry for much longer esp as we will be going home for the holidays in a week and i wont see him for ages!
so how do you suggest i approach the situation
i am useless at confrontation btw, i know if i had to go talk to him i would forget everything i want to say!
Then it is time you start working on it, otherwise you would literally self-sabotage and enable unhealthy and painful situations and relationships. You need to understand that without being honest and open, without being pushy - about what you feel there is no way you could build and promote healthy and fulfilling relationship,s and to find out if the other person really deserves you and is willing to work with you in it.
Write it down then so you could read it to him, or email it to him before you meet.
ok, is it acceptable to text it to him or is face to face show im stronger and not to be used?!
shall i just tell him that i want him to explain exactly what he sees in me and if he is likely to want to commit cos if not i cant do this anymore. and that what he says to me when hes drunk i find confusing and he needs to clarify?
its sad cos he came across as a really nice guy and my friends got a really good vibe off him
Face to face woudl be the best as long as you do not self-sabotage
i dont think he is a player, i actually dont think he realised what hes doing! i dont say that cos i want to make excuses but he is quite shy!
what would i say that would self-sabotage?
It does not seem that being a nice guy is the problem here but the way you feel about the type of relationship you have.
but what should i definitely not say to him that will make him feel like a. he is horrible and b. i am a massive walkover?!
Then if you do no feel that's the case you should not feel afraid at all about being truly open and honest and talk to him about it, and see what he has to tell you, and based on that you would choose what you want to afford or not.
You said that you are not good at confronting things, then if you avoid talking about these core issues and perpetuate the relationship the way it is you would feel worse.
yeah ok i am going to just man up and do it!
currently though last night i ignored his last message so i dont know whether he will text me more. i think he will though tonight or tomorrow
OK. Sounds good.
ummm when/if he does should i respond like normal, leave it a day or tell him i wanna talk?
Please take consistent action and open this necessary dialogue
You could send a message telling him you want to talk with him, for him to please contact you, that you will be waiting for him.
ok thanks for all your help!
You're very welcome
Take good care