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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I been dating a for 10 years, we were planning to get married,

Resolved Question:

I been dating a gay for 10 years, we were planning to get married, his mum died recently, he said he doesn't want children any more because he is old to have them age 43. Has son from his ex, he said his telling me this so I can make my way out, because he knows I want kids from, I was so upset, now he said he want to take a break to figure out what going on with him,
I love him and realt don't know what to do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be very sad and frustrating to find yourself in this position, after ten years in the relationship, trusting and sharing with your partner, then suddenly having him changing his mind about something do important. It seems obvious the loss may have triggered this reaction, which doe snot make it ant easier, but just adds extra pain to your hearts, which have already been grieving.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think there could still be some hope here. It is too soon to know if his change is something that would remain or an intense emotional and protective reaction to the traumatic experience of not having his mother any more with you. i believe he needs time to vent, to process his feelings of pain, and heal from this life issue, then he would be in a better position to define if this sudden change, powerfully affecting your relationship and life together is what he really wants or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I strongly suggest him to consider individual psychotherapy for processing his grief, ideally group therapy too, or active participation in a support group, which could complement and empower the benefits of individual therapy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Couples counseling or psychotherapy coudl be necessary to, for you to work on coping together as a couple with the impact this painful situation has had on him,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you are online and have joined the chat but have not replied,a nd wonder if the chat interface is presenting a bug, which uses to happen often here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please let me know if you are able to read my input?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will change from chat to postings in order to make sure you can read my input and dialogue with me as necessary. I am sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

I am very sorry to know about this situation.

It could be very sad and frustrating to find yourself in this position, after ten years in the relationship, trusting and sharing with your partner, then suddenly having him changing his mind about something do important. It seems obvious the loss may have triggered this reaction, which doe snot make it ant easier, but just adds extra pain to your hearts, which have already been grieving.

I think there could still be some hope here. It is too soon to know if his change is something that would remain or an intense emotional and protective reaction to the traumatic experience of not having his mother any more with you. i believe he needs time to vent, to process his feelings of pain, and heal from this life issue, then he would be in a better position to define if this sudden change, powerfully affecting your relationship and life together is what he really wants or not.

I strongly suggest him to consider individual psychotherapy for processing his grief, ideally group therapy too, or active participation in a support group, which could complement and empower the benefits of individual therapy.

Couples counseling or psychotherapy coudl be necessary to, for you to work on coping together as a couple with the impact this painful situation has had on him,

Does it make sense?

I can see you are online and have joined the chat but have not replied,a nd wonder if the chat interface is presenting a bug, which uses to happen often here.

Could you please let me know if you are able to read my input?

I will change from chat to postings in order to make sure you can read my input and dialogue with me as necessary. I am sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for your answer, what should be my first reaction when he comes back from the break? to speak to him normally? ignore him for a while?ask him that I need break too?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.
You're very welcome. I believe the best approach is always to be assertively honest and open, direct and empathetic, understanding and supportive at the same time, but not codependently tolerating or enabling what is unhealthy or unacceptable. Thus do not be pushy nor deny your concerns and feelings around this serious situation, but own them, take responsibility for your feelings, and invite him to do the same. tell him what you need and expect, what you want to do, and based on what he is able and willing to do, you would decide how to proceed about it, being fully consistent with yourself.

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