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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi! Basically this guy and I were seeing each other for 2 months

Customer Question

Hi! Basically this guy and I were seeing each other for 2 months but then he told me some stuff about how although he really likes me he doesnt want more commitment right now as he just came out of a long term relationship and wants to enjoy freedom. So I eventually decided I should talk to him and ask him exactly what he wants from me and we had a really open chat about it last night and he was really pleased i had spoken up and is concerned he has hurt me. But this convo was via text and in the end i decided it was too hard to explain my feelings over text so he is coming over tonight to talk about it face to face. But i am getting the impression he is looking for me to be his friend with benefits and Im not entirely sure how i feel about this. As I dont think he is a player or goes on nights out looking for girls to sleep with but i guess he is saying if he saw a girl he thought was cute and she seemed interested he would go for it. I do really like this guy, he is nice and makes me feel really good and it would be such a shame to totally let him go but im worried cos i am a sensitive girl i wont be able to detach myself. really need some advice on friends with benefits so i can make my decision before i see him later. thanks
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this challenging situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your story it seems that you are right about what this person expects from you. You have been like dating for two months, it seems you were into a exclusive relationship, and then he decided to end it because of finding out how much he truly needs and wants to enjoy his freedom, without having any serious commitment, specially because of having just ended this long term relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems very clear what he is telling you and I think you were very assertive when talking to him about it, initially by texting, and now face-to-face. You did not mention for how long have you known each other before you started this relationship tow months ago, for me to have a better idea of how you happened to get to the point of dating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You thinking he is basically expecting you to become one of his friends with benefits seems very realistic. Everything seems to point at that, and while he obviously would feel absolutely comfortable having such "freedom", you need to be sure if this is somethign that could work for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said you are a very sensitive girl, who does not have an easy time detaching once you get close to another person. Then based on this, you mostly need to consider how well your core needs, values, and expectations around relationships, would be met by having sex with a person that would treat you as a friend, but have the freedom and your permission to look for other women for sex, similar friendships with benefits or for a real committed relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If after assessing these core personal needs, values and expectations, you see you would feel fine and fulfilled sharing that way, because he seems as a nice person and makes you feel good,then you would agree to be with him under such conditions, but fully aware of the challenges you would have to face, and willing to afford them, taking total responsibility for your decision.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

On the other hand, if yo do not feel this comfortable, happy and fine with this potential "friendship with benefits", then you would be very clear about it, be also totally truthful with yourself and honest towards him, and set consistent boundaries and limits, in order to take good care of yourself, without exposing to or enabling something that you know would not work for you,but that could hurt you.

Customer :

thanks for your advice, we began dating as soon as we met so we were not friends before although we do get on well

Customer :

how likely is it that if I go down this route with him that he will develop more feelings for me? or do men in this situation never develop feelings for the girl they are sleeping with?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Then you have just started to know each other two months ago. Then I'd always suggest people in your shoes to be very cautious, taking necessary time to know the other person in order to gradually trust him, otherwise you never know what could happen, literally anything could happen. Right now, you find yourself in this position, where he is ending your relationship, and could expect you to be this friend with benefits. This experience is a very good example of this point.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No way to know, that only time will tell, but I would say that many times, for a person to choose to end a relationship, in order to be with other people while keeping a friendships with benefit with the person they were briefly dating, does not use to show, nor lead to building healthy and fulfilling exclusive relationships.

Customer :

ok, we were never really in a relationship before, we were just seeing each other and i was aware for the past two months that as we were only seeing that we werent exclusive but its literally in the past week or so that i realised he never really wanted to be exclusive in the first place

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said you are sensitive and have a hard time detaching, and that seems to show it would not be something you would enjoy very much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. One common issue people in your shoes face is not finding themselves able to cope with the fact their friends would be having similar friendships with other women, and openly looking for dating one they rally like that much. This is something you need to be very aware of in order not to self-sabotage and then feel overwhelmed by how you feel about it.

Customer :

yeah, he seems pretty set on staying single so i dont think he's looking to date anyone yet

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Customer :

i know it sounds really daft but i do really like him and i would be gutted that if i let him go now, if in a few months he ended up in a relationship knowing if i had stuck it out that girl he was properly seeing could be me!

Customer :

also i would be worried I would fall to the bottom of his list of priorities! because obviously we wouldnt talk as much as we used to and i might feel like im being used :/

Customer :

but at the same time i know it could be fun and a good release sometimes especially as already we have fun together and he is a pretty understanding guy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These are very realistic scenarios and only you know what risks you are able and willing to take, and you' need to take full responsibility for your decision, affording its consequences, whether it happens to evolve as you wish or not.

Customer :

yeah there are pros and cons and the con is mainly that i might develop further feelings for him

Customer :

but then since the last two months i thought this was leading somewhere i let myself develop feelings but now i know what he wants perhaps i would be able to detach myself

Customer :

its tricky because i want him to respect me as a woman and not feel he has me wrapped around his little finger and can take advantage but at the same time i want to be able to enjoy myself too!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

yes it is that's why you need to be very mindful and careful deciding what you want to afford here.

Customer :

is it fair to put a time frame on it, so tell him we can try it for x amount of time and then i can reevaluate how i feel as to whether its working or if i cant go on?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do have the right and freedom to set your own boundaries and limits, and if he agrees to respect them, good, if not, please be consistent with what you feel is the best for you

Customer :

ok, i will have to wait till later to hear exactly what he says but i guess i should just tell him my reasons for and against the idea and see if perhaps we can set out a few guidelines and a like a trial period!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good, assertive and consistent

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer :

Thanks, i may think of something else to ask you later today, can i ask you hear or do i have to begin a new question?

Customer :

*here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this is the same core issue and not too many extra questions, you could just contact me through this one for sure.

Customer :

thank you :)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome! Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember to rate session/answer before you leave the chat. Thank you.

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