Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
I believe that I can help you with this complicated and heart-wrenching situation.
Feeling suicidal IS a sign of clinical depression. Unfortunately your medications are not helping you. If you have only been on them a short while remember it often takes a month before they start to help = and they don['t always help everyone.
Telling yourself that your real feeling of depression do not sound to be much of a therapy.
You have multiple issues. You are involved in a loveless relationship with a woman who herself if very depressed and aggressive.
Even before her endometriosis, you already seemed to have a deteriorating relationship due to sexual incompatability.
I understand that you have marriage vows with her but neither of you seem to be able to keep them to each other in different ways.
It would be cowardly to leave her by suicide and it would be brave to just divorce her. He abuses you and has crushed your spirit.
Your self-therapy is dating and having sex with other women, and it seems to have had some cheering effect on you and perhaps lessened your despair.
Antidepressants only mask or lower symptoms but do not get at the causes, which in your case if marriage to a woman who not only rejects you sexually but abuses you emotionally. Your response is to get comfort elsewhere, but because you are married you are wracked with guilt.
You cannot help you wife any longer and she cannot help you.
She is destroying your will to live and crushing your life, not on purpose, but because of the way she is - and you cannot help her.
You have to be honest with your wife and tell her that you cannot bear to be with her any longer as you would rather be dead.
This will be a hard breakup, but not as hard as the life you will have to continue to endure until you die or she dies or until you take you life.
There is no sense in this. There is no real morality.
You have already broken the marriage vows for which you should NOT be blamed. Your marriage is long failed and you must consider that perhaps ending it legally and going your own ways if the best, albeit imperfect solution.
My prayers are with you for strength, courage, and wisdom.
You will both survive on the other side of divorce. I cannot speak with as much assurance about your survivability if you remain in this marriage.
God's blessings be with both of you.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC