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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi I started talking to a bloke online that I vaguely know.

Customer Question

Hi I started talking to a bloke online that I vaguely know. Started sexting and sending pics and it's progressed to him coming over a few times for sex. He's been clear from the beginning he doesn't want a relationship (hoping this is general and not just with me). He's really nice and when he comes over although it's just sex we have a laugh and get on well. He will text Inbetween sometimes and we will just have a general conversation. He seems thoughtful like last time he finished work late and had to be in work really early next morning and said up to me if he comes over cz am I ok him coming over and just having fun and then going. I said he didn't exactly stay long time before and has always been honest so it's ok. He kisses me and doesn't just run off after. We have a laugh and he seems really nice. He only so,it with his fiancée 6 months ago so hoping it's just he's not ready for so etching new yet everything I read is that f buddies can't progress but I like him and I'm hoping if we keep doing this and flirting like we are (he's said we have good chemistry) that possibly it can progress to more? I'm just afraid that giving it on a plate and not making him chase me means I've blown it. I know he's not ready yet but I'm hoping that if we keep doing this maybe he will want more?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you really expect much more from this person, but at the same time you have made sure he thinks you are totally OK with the way things are between you. I want to say that while you expect this relationship to evolve from just sex to something more, most times people, specially males would not share the same expectation under same circumstances, but would have a hard time adjusting themselves from what they have been freely getting without any condition, to a relationship with more boundaries, limits and commitment. The way it started, and the way it's been evolving , the way he approaches it and the reciprocal ways in your responses, just deepen the nature of your relationship, which is exclusively around sex without any sort of commitment or responsibility.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are taking your chances here, there is no way to know how this would evolve, since you do not truly know well this person, that is something you could only gradually find out with time and depending on how much and good you share with each other, and based on how honest you happen to be with each other and the areas you were open to talk and share about.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please, be very objective when approaching this relationship, for you to be clear about what could or could not arise from it, depending on what you agreed to share and how you build it. This way you would be able to be aware of what and how much and for how long you are willing and able to afford a purely sexual relationship or not. Some people could feel OK with it for a couple of months, half a year, while others could handle a year. While their sexual partners could expect it to remain the same for years, even when they have other sex partners or official committed relationships. Each situation is unique, but many share similar patterns, and that's why I always suggest people to be totally truthful with themselves and honest with each other if what they expect is anything more than exclusively unrestrictive sex.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Again, I suggest you to assess for how long do you feel comfortable with this present relationship, in that way you would be prepare to make changes in case it happens to evolve as you want or not, without getting frustrated or feeling hurt.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

I can see you really expect much more from this person, but at the same time you have made sure he thinks you are totally OK with the way things are between you. I want to say that while you expect this relationship to evolve from just sex to something more, most times people, specially males would not share the same expectation under same circumstances, but would have a hard time adjusting themselves from what they have been freely getting without any condition, to a relationship with more boundaries, limits and commitment. The way it started, and the way it's been evolving , the way he approaches it and the reciprocal ways in your responses, just deepen the nature of your relationship, which is exclusively around sex without any sort of commitment or responsibility.

You are taking your chances here, there is no way to know how this would evolve, since you do not truly know well this person, that is something you could only gradually find out with time and depending on how much and good you share with each other, and based on how honest you happen to be with each other and the areas you were open to talk and share about.

Then please, be very objective when approaching this relationship, for you to be clear about what could or could not arise from it, depending on what you agreed to share and how you build it. This way you would be able to be aware of what and how much and for how long you are willing and able to afford a purely sexual relationship or not. Some people could feel OK with it for a couple of months, half a year, while others could handle a year. While their sexual partners could expect it to remain the same for years, even when they have other sex partners or official committed relationships. Each situation is unique, but many share similar patterns, and that's why I always suggest people to be totally truthful with themselves and honest with each other if what they expect is anything more than exclusively unrestrictive sex.

Again, I suggest you to assess for how long do you feel comfortable with this present relationship, in that way you would be prepare to make changes in case it happens to evolve as you want or not, without getting frustrated or feeling hurt.

Does it make sense?

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