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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been living with my boyfriend for 12months , since we

Customer Question

I have been living with my boyfriend for 12months , since we have been living together we have only made love 3 times . He only ever talks about work now and can't seem to look at me when we have any conversation. What should I do
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this s very frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long did you date before living together, what you think has caused these serious issues and what he says about them?

JACUSTOMER-n810dzkm- : Yes, I feel very un feminine and pushed out, should I stay. We were together for 3 months before we moved in together. He was financially in a bad situation and I have helped him buy a very successful business with a major input of work and support from myself and money too.. He was very attentive and always said very nice things and complimented me now its as if he doesn't notice anything I do or say. He seems to dismiss everything I say unless its to do with business.
JACUSTOMER-n810dzkm- : I have also recently walked into the office and he had accidentally left a porn site on. He said he was bored.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but this would be unacceptable for most people in your shoes, as long as it's about adult and committed relationship. This i snot about business relationship on,y, right? Then if that's the case, it does seem much more like he has been using you financially and for work related benefits instead of truly respecting, caring and loving you as a real life partner.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to reassess very clearly which are your core needs and expectations in this relationship and come to terms with the fact that this person seems to be far away from meeting many or most of them. If that's the case, you would need to rethink how sound it is too stay, if he is this unable and unwilling even to acknowledge the issues, take responsibility for them and work on solutions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a relationship to develop and grow as a truly healthy and fulfilling experience, it needs to be mutual, both partners should show respect, honesty, caring , affection, passion, understanding and support to each other, otherwise neglect, abuse and manipulation could become the very core of it, and no matter how much one tries to make it work, if the other ones does not feel and show the same, it would not work.

JACUSTOMER-n810dzkm- : I know it's wrong of me but I ended up looking at his email and there were a string of different dating agencies, many of which were not run of mill if you know what I am saying. He says he doesn't attempt any king of passionate kissing or intimacy because he has an embarrassing problem,. I found some Viagra and this didn't make any changes. Should I leave.
JACUSTOMER-n810dzkm- : He know deletes every single email that comes through aswell
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If this person has almost not have any sexual relationships with you for this long, but uses pornography, this sexual enhancer substances and dating agencies, besides of not being a healthy partner at all, I do not know what could justify you perpetuating a relationship like this. I just hope you have got all the money that you gave to him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what you expect is real respect, honesty, affection, passion, a real partner who cares and supports you, who actually shares life with you and more, then I do not see how staying with a person like him who is unable and unwilling to even acknowledge all these serious issues could help you at all.

JACUSTOMER-n810dzkm- : No I haven't, he suddenly also arranged a last minute trip over to Thailand last week for 3days to get some paper work signed, we always went everywhere together and he didn't ask me to go, while he was away he only called me when drunk in early hours of morning and said he missed and would never go away without me again. But seems even more distant since he's been back. I have tried to talk to him nicely and he says I just think too much.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but this does not look good at all, I am sorry but everything you describe here seems to show how poorly and dishonestly this person has been in your relationships, and again, as long as he does not even acknowledge the serious personal issues he has, takes full responsibility for them and chooses to work on himself and the relationship, I do not think your situation would significantly improve at all, but become more dysfunctional and hurtful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not only about red flags, but about multiple serious issues at multiple levels, and again, while on one hand it seems you have been giving a lot at every level, this person has been doing the opposite, and when that's the case, it would be unrealistic to believe the relationship would heal and be fine. He does seem to have several issues that may requires professional support for him to effectively work on them, and he is the only one with the power and responsibility to make that happen.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:

I am sorry but this does not look good at all, I am sorry but everything you describe here seems to show how poorly and dishonestly this person has been in your relationships, and again, as long as he does not even acknowledge the serious personal issues he has, takes full responsibility for them and chooses to work on himself and the relationship, I do not think your situation would significantly improve at all, but become more dysfunctional and hurtful.

Does it make sense?

This is not only about red flags, but about multiple serious issues at multiple levels, and again, while on one hand it seems you have been giving a lot at every level, this person has been doing the opposite, and when that's the case, it would be unrealistic to believe the relationship would heal and be fine. He does seem to have several issues that may requires professional support for him to effectively work on them, and he is the only one with the power and responsibility to make that happen.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

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