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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 715
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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in September i started uni, there was this guy ryan who i liked

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in September i started uni, there was this guy ryan who i liked ( at this time he wanted hollie, my friend for sex) a few months later i found out that he liked me, of course i then told him i liked him too. the next week got slightly awkward as our friends started to find out and because it was new they talked about it all the time and tried to get involved.

a few days after he asked if we could talk, he asked me what i wanted to do about us, i honestly didn't know, i knew i liked him but i was unsure if i wanted a relationship or not, but i said yes.

when we went out with our friends, every time we kissed they would discuss it or take the mick and it started to get to me.i was rather drunk and had to try cross a road where one of my guy friends took my arm, everyone was like 'are you doing this to make ryan jealous.' i wasn't. hollie decided to get involved and tell ryan that i thought things were rushed (which maybe at first i did but i wouldn't have gone through with it if it wasn't what i wanted

The next night was fine, he was talking to me as normal and flirting with me and when people started to make jokes he told them to stop as i hated it and it was making things awkward between us which wasn't fair, although that weekend we didn't talk to each other at all.

on the monday us and our friends went out for dinner and he ignored me so i asked if we could talk, i basically told him i hated how it was at the moment as it was making me feel rubbish about myself so we had three options, 1. to just ignore each other which is where i think it was headed. 2. go back to trying to be friends although it wouldn't be the same or 3. we try again and do it right, ignoring every one else.

he was in a really bad mood that day(which i have only just found out was due to family issues) he said we should probably go back to being friends because he did like me but he wasn't ready for a relationship (i wasn't ready for a relationship really either tbh) and he also didn't think it would work as it hadn't already.

i didn't speak/see him for a few days, but our friends were all going to his gig that Thursday so i decided to go to start the step to becoming friends, it was fine, we talked to each other and it was nice.

the next night we all went out and it was fine, we talked, not quite how we did but it was getting there! however i did notice he was talking to other girls while looking at me the whole time and i am not sure why?

later my friend hollie told me that ryan had tried to sleep with her the night before, i was a bit hurt by this to be honest because even though our relationship only lasted a week, i still did like him and i felt worthless, i stupidly sent him a text accusing him of it all and i then felt bad so the next day i apologized and said i wouldn't text him until he wanted to talk to me.

this Friday night, the last night before our three week Christmas break we all went out we ended up going to a club we both really hated, in the queue we were making awkward small talk not ignoring each other. when we got in i spoke to one of my friends and asked if they wanted to go somewhere else, we invited ryan and two others.

when we left he started to talk to me more, we had banter, he made jokes. when we got in he basically acted towards me like nothing had happened. one of the other guys nick started to talk to me but then he told me that ryan obviously liked me/do we have history.

when we danced, ryan would put his arms on my waist, or around me if i was facing the other way, he would hold my face often and act how he did when i didn't know he liked me, he was a bit drunk, we all were, i don't know if that has anything to do with it?

me and ryan got left on our own while the others got drinks, we kept dancing and he then kissed me, and i didn't know how to react, i was confused because we weren't together and i had convinced myself i was over him because he wanted to be friends? (he did it again too)

when we left we kept up with our banter, we shared my coat which we used to do.on the way back he said to me 'nick was tying to get with you, but you didn't seem interested haha... unless you do like him?' i told him i didn't.

when we got back he let me put my feet on his lap, which he always used to do. he kept taking the mick out of me and laughing at me and he kept tickling me too. when he went to leave, because it was the last time i would see him for three weeks he stood over me and hugged me for longer that a friendly hug.(i was laying down)

i am now really confused because i still do like him and i don't know if he kissed me because he was drunk or if he still likes me too i am selfishly worried that if he did still like me that he would forget about it/get over me over our three week Christmas break? he doesn't text me anymore though and i said i wouldn't text him first i can't stop thinking. should i move on or wait and see what happens?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating and confusing situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems it was truly frustrating, annoying and uncomfortable to endure your "friends" pushing both of you the way they did, that was unacceptable and inconsistent with healthy friendships, and it seems both of you have been deeply affected by it in the way you have shared and lead things to the present situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then when you talked about your main option, he chose to try to be friends, even when you did not feel like that. Things where going fine, but you felt triggered and uncomfortable when knew about his attention towards other girls and then about his attempt to be with your friend, which are obviously incompatible with the relationship you were trying to build, and to see him sharing this much and trying to be with your friend this fast seems very alarming and would be very uncomfortable for most people in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since it does not show he was truly interested but could easily focus ion other women without taking into account your feelings. Then you said you got into this new situation where he started to act like before, like if you were together, being this nice towards you, but then we has just not even contacted you by text since then.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This behaviors seems to show a person who is very immature, not very honest, and who could manipulate, since his words and actions, being this inconsistent and contradictory show that.

JACUSTOMER-hkm3i3dn- :

one of our mutual friends told me he had liked me since the start,and chased my friend because she was easier and part of me does believe he did because of the way he acted, i just don't know if he meant anything by the kiss on Friday as i still do very much like him. i am just confused. i know it ended because everyone made it all awkward. i just want to know what to do now with out making it awkward or addressing him directly as we left for Christmas on a good note, but now i won't see him for three weeks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It depends on how you feel and what you want to afford. If you feel this person deserves your trust and affection and could truly reciprocate, you could wait for him to contact you, or take the initiative and try to contact him to keep in tough during these weeks. Either way, I suggest you to be realistic taking into account what you have already experienced in order not to fuel high expectations and attachment that could lead you to feel worse afterwards.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious to me he is very immature, otherwise pressure from other people (friends) like that would not be used as a justification to push you away and do what he did. Then you need to be very aware of obvious limitations and similar challenges you would face, and know if you truly want and ca afford it or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

JACUSTOMER-hkm3i3dn- :

i think i may have pushed him away too, i felt judged by everyone and i didn't like that even though i liked him. do guys ever say they like someone when they don't?

JACUSTOMER-hkm3i3dn- :

i don't really see but thanks, i am still confused

JACUSTOMER-hkm3i3dn- :

i know if i try i could get hurt but i don't want to give up because we could have been good and it felt right, my gut says he still likes me but i really don't know

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People could say things they do not feel out of immaturity, lack of assertiveness, while feeling pushed by circumstances, when trying to project a good image of themselves, or appear as nice, when wanting to protect their ego could use excuses and more. As you can see many factors could play a role, and there i no way to know for sure unless you happen to truly know the other person very well, and as long as he happens to be really open and honest.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then my suggestion is for you to keep an open mind, to be realistic so you would not deny obvious issues here, and hope he could be honest and reciprocate your willingness to share and work on it. If he does not, you would be able to cope with it since you are not fueling high expectations about it, since you know there is much to work on and only time would show you if this person deserves your trust, affection and is able and willing to work on it or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could take an initiative and send him a message and then wait. If he replies, you would work from there. But if he doesn't I would suggest you not to push it but wait. If eh really cares and wants to share or build something with you, he would contact you, otherwise he won't.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times people to play how and cold games, as a way to manipulate and fuel attachment, and those who are less experienced and feel attracted would easily fall and end not only tolerating but enabling this unhealthy patterns. This is why I suggest you to only take one initiative and wait. If he does not reply, and show reciprocal interest, caring and willingness to share and work on it, it would not be good for you to keep expecting anything better from this person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you have any further questions I may help you with?

JACUSTOMER-hkm3i3dn- :

it would probably be better to wait to see if he contacts me in the three weeks apart and focus on my work, as it has only been three days. but if i was to start a conversation what should i say, although i did tell him i wouldn't contact him first again but he may have forgotten about that and i don't want to seem needy!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would suggest you to be just friendly and ask him if he's enjoying this time while there. I won't sound pushy nor needy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think this time, if it is the first time you said you would not contact him first, could be fine for you to take this initiative, just remember to learn from what your experiences show you. If a person is truly interested in you, he would do his best to make sure you know how he feels, what he wants and how much and hard he is working to deserve your attention and affection. If this does not happen, do not expect any better, or you would get more frustrated and disappointed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would find people who even play this role very well doing everything to get your trust and attachment, but then suddenly change and start playing the cold-hot game. In those situations, you would also know from their lack of consistency, honesty and sensitivity, that they are not good for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope this helps.

JACUSTOMER-hkm3i3dn- :

yes, it has made me think a bit more about it all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good, I am glad to know that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and keep in touch if you want to follow up.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Excuse me, could you please provide feedback about your rating?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How could I assist you further?

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