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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Met a man 4 month ago we flirted then 8 weeks ago we met up.

Customer Question

Met a man 4 month ago we flirted then 8 weeks ago we met up. He took me out was the perfect gent and was all over me. I am just coming out of a marraige he lives alone
Anyway we txt every day and get on well but what we both said was going to be sex thing hasnt happened. We still havnt had sex after 8 weeks and I dont kno how to move things forward also he hssnt shown me his home
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify what you mean by "what we both said was going to be sex thing hasnt happened"?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat.

JACUSTOMER-8zy1i35c- :

Hi yes wen we met up initially we thought that the relationship would b

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Did you talk about having sex and how you were going to share in this phase of your relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please continue. I am listening.

JACUSTOMER-8zy1i35c- :

Hi yes wen we first met up we both discussed what we wanted from the relationship and we both thought it was going to be purely physical I.e. sex only. But although we came close to having sex we still havent and its been months. We text everyday and have both admitted to hsving feelings for each other. He is a lot older than me but I realy want to have sex and now I dont know what he wants

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then it should be really frustrating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is concerning if both have agreed how you were going to build this relationship but have failed to do so, since he has been systematically avoiding it, that means there has not been enough openness, honesty leading to trust between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What has he said to justify his avoidance and inconsistency with your agreement?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Which are your core needs and expectations from this relationship? From your words it seems you did not want to get emotionally attached this fast since you just ended your marriage, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you said he has not shown you his home yet, but he lives alone there, then that would not make much sense either.

JACUSTOMER-8zy1i35c- :

He says he loves being with me but that we need to wait until the time is right. I feel ready now but he seems a bit distant. I cant decide if he has chsnged his mind about me. If he is stringing me along or if hes scared of his feelings. He says tht his previous relationships have failed and doesnt want to end up hurting me. He hasnt lived with anyone properly for 15 years. I try and reassure him of my interest but I dont kno what to do. He is 16 years older than me and I wondered if maybe he coulf have a sexual problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. The first and most common issue present in this type of scenarios is about sexual dysfunctions, where the person uses excuses to delay sexual intercourse, while fostering further attachment and hopes, what obviously leads anybody in your shoes to increasing frustration.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Significant age difference does not have to be a serious issue, bu many times it is because of multiple differences that could become incompatible in real life long term relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why I wondered about your core needs and expectations in this relationship. Initially you said you only wanted to have a sexual relationship, but it never happened because he has not complied with your agreement, and it has turned into an emotional-romantic relationship, where he continues to show avoidance, lack of openness and hasn't even shown you his home.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to reassess what you need and expect from this relationship. Based on that assessment talk to him about it, being open and direct, and based on his response decide what you want to afford or not from now on, setting good boundaries.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If his actions show you that he listens, respects, understands and supports you and your agreement, your core needs and expectations, that he is truly able and willing to work on it as a responsible adult, then the relationship would work and evolve the way you need and expect. But if he doesn't then you would get increasingly more frustrated, and it would not become better but unhealthier. Does it make sense?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
I see. The first and most common issue present in this type of scenarios is about sexual dysfunctions, where the person uses excuses to delay sexual intercourse, while fostering further attachment and hopes, what obviously leads anybody in your shoes to increasing frustration.

Significant age difference does not have to be a serious issue, bu many times it is because of multiple differences that could become incompatible in real life long term relationships.

This is why I wondered about your core needs and expectations in this relationship. Initially you said you only wanted to have a sexual relationship, but it never happened because he has not complied with your agreement, and it has turned into an emotional-romantic relationship, where he continues to show avoidance, lack of openness and hasn't even shown you his home.

I think you need to reassess what you need and expect from this relationship. Based on that assessment talk to him about it, being open and direct, and based on his response decide what you want to afford or not from now on, setting good boundaries.

If his actions show you that he listens, respects, understands and supports you and your agreement, your core needs and expectations, that he is truly able and willing to work on it as a responsible adult, then the relationship would work and evolve the way you need and expect. But if he doesn't then you would get increasingly more frustrated, and it would not become better but unhealthier. Does it make sense?

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