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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im in a relationship with my partner for over 11 months and

Customer Question

I'm in a relationship with my partner for over 11 months and we've been living together as well. However since the first or second month of our relationship I've found out something I don't like about him which can lead to breaking up. The first problem is a few weeks after we got into a relationship I tagged him in a picture on Facebook and he told me that he doesn't like it. A few days later I upload more pictures but I didn't tag him and a few days later he deactivated his Facebook. He told me that he doesn't want his dad to know about our relationship and he also said that he's worried that one of his ex girlfriends would disturb our relationship. I got a bit frustrated but as there's none other problems in our relationship I just tried to calm myself. So now he just use another Facebook as he has two(maybe more but that's what I know). But he didn't add me as a friend although I'm his Girlfriend. None other boys would treat their Girlfriend like this but I love him so I just let him do whatever he want. When I talk with some of my friends they always ask me why I never tag my Boyfriend on Facebook or why he never appears on Facebook(they might even think it's a fake Boyfriend) and whenever they ask me like this I'm so embarrassed to say that my Boyfriend and I are not even friends on Facebook. It really makes me feel like a stranger towards him. I forgot to include one detail. He's Vietnamese and I'm Burmese so there's a language and it's also driving me crazy. We met when we came to UK to get higher education. I don't even dare touch his phone. I never check his SMS or Facebook or Viber or any other messages like other Girlfriends as he said he wants space and I really hate it. I'm not saying that I want to check every single thing about him but I think at least I should know who he's texting to and what kind of friends they are. Those matters are always on my mind and make me feel so uncomfortable. Recently I saw that he still have his ex's number in his contacts. But I just saw it quickly so I'm not sure if it's her or not which make me check the history on his laptop. And I suspect that he secretly activate his previous Facebook sometimes and talk with her or something because I saw her Facebook name in the history. And I also suspect that he has some other Facebooks that I don't know and using them secretly. I am an extremely jealous type and I'm not sure what to do with our relationship. I think he's not much of my type. Can you please give me some advice??
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

Hi I'm Su Wint

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

I really need some advice for my relationship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi Su Wint. I am sorry to know about this frustrating and distressing situation.

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

Can you help then??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can help you providing a reply through feedback based on your question.

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

uh huh

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

In this situation what do you suggest me to do?

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

should I break up with him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It depends on what you truly expect and meed from this relatiosnhip.

JACUSTOMER-k1s1jknv- :

I just expect him to change

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what you want is to keep this relationship the way it is as long s possible regardless its obvious limitations and afford the consequences, then you would continue just the same. But if what you expect from him is real honesty, openness, total trust and respect, being serious about your relationship as an adult in an exclusive relationship, then you need to start being totally honest and direct towards him, assertively confronting this serious issue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This would be in consistency with what you need and expect from him. His behavior does show that he has not been totally open and honest towards you, nor wants to make of your relationship something official, since hides it from other when totally denying it through social networks like FB, and from his own father.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you said.most people in your shoes would not feel comfortable nor happy with such behaviors, but immediately feel lack of trust and suspicion, frustrated and concern because of his systematically keeping his private life as totally private, not allowing you any access to it any access to it. You were clear describing how you do not expect to check everything he says, shares and writes in his messages, but to be able to feel comfortable knowing that you are in an exclusive relationship, where you mutually respect and trust each other, and his behavior do not show that, that's why your concerns are absolutely valid, since these are not only concrete red flags nobody in your shoes should disregard, but already an issue at the very core of your relationship, and unless he happens to show the capacity and willingness to acknowledge and understand how this is a serious issue, so to work on making necessary changes to gain your trust, it would be unrealistic and not a good idea to attach to him even more hoping things would get fine with time by themselves, since that does not sue to happen that way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Lack of real honesty and openness, reveal lack of real respect and caring, which are essential for building healthy and truly fulfilling long term relationships. This person does not truly acknowledges you as his girlfriend after almost a year in the relationship, hides it from his own father, friends and people who know him, and systematically refuses to allow you to have any access at all to his "private " life. You feel no happy no comfortable at all with it, and you have good reasons to feel this way, and your jealousy, which is something commonly present in your personality, does have more than enough reasons no to trust him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what you truly expect is a real relationship, where you feel respected, acknowledged, understood and supported, where you could trust your boyfriend because he shows he deserves your trust , affection and commitment, then you need to start being totally honest towards him, assertively confronting these serious issues, showing respect, understanding and support, but also making clear what you need and expect from him in order for your relationship to grow healthy and become truly mutually fulfilling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not approach these serious issue in order to see if he really shares the same core needs and expectations and is capable and willing to work with you on your relationship as a real adult, then please carefully reassess your main priorities, what you are truly willing to afford in this relationship, and take consistent actions from there. If a person truly deserves you and wants to be with you, he would not perpetuated these behaviors this long, and as soon as such behaviors were confronted, he would work on making necessary changes, but if he doesn't then it would be better for you to reevaluate your decision to stay in the relationship, attaching to him even more and expecting it to become what you need from it,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Couples counselling is always a good idea for couples to get professional support working on any core issue limiting or undermining their relationship, but it would only be beneficial, if both happen to be truly honest, and committed to work as a real team, being reciprocal i the relationship, and giving your best to make it work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer :

Yeah sure it does

Customer :

I did try to talk to him and some of the problems are solved now

Customer :

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good! I am glad to know that. You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember to rate support. Thanks.

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