Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about how overwhelming things have become in your life at several levels, regardless your hard work and achievements.
Thank you for joining the chat.
Hi, why do u think im behaving like this?
i want to know what to do with my life
Alcohol like food or any other substance or behavior, could become addictions, and totally destroy a person's life if necessary treatment and support are nor present.
Addictions happen when people get overwhelmed by painful feelings from life issues they do not know how to handle, becoming depressed, developing anxiety disorders and other mental health problems. That's why addictions appear as very fast ways to get int relief, gratification and sense of control...
...this is why people get addicted, and with the numbness and false relief, enable further self-sabotage and suffering.
You need to work on getting real relief from what has been pushing you from inside for so long, and from the addictive patterns that have distorted your ways of addressing things in life, cope and share. Psychotherapy is the best source of support for you to work on healing yourself, rehabilitating from depression, anxiety and addictions, develop effective coping skills, build a healthy sense of self-worthiness and more.
Does it make sense?
You have proved that you have more than necessary capacity to build and achieve many important things in life, but you need to focus now on your mental health and rehabilitation process, in order to truly be and feel happy, healthy and fulfilled, so for you to enjoy every little and big thing you choose to do.
You are right when you acknowledge that you have sabotage also your romantic life, when not working on building healthy and fulfilling relationships, but slept with a number of people. I do not think you have done this because you wanted to suffer or because of lack of capacity to develop healthy relationships, but because of your own fears, depression, confusion and unhealed wounds, that have pushed you to mostly numb your feelings instead of working on healing and growing at those core areas, and then addictions have undermined your ability to liberate from these deep illusions.
I believe you have been hurt a lot, that there is a lot of fear, loneliness and pain, numbed by the way you have used alcohol, sexual relationships and food, and that as soon as you come to terms with the fact that you deserve and can heal and grow stronger and wiser as your real self, getting necessary therapy and support from truly healthy people in your life, you would be able to start your rehabilitation process and enjoy life, from the little simple things you experience moment by moment, to what you have already achieved at several levels.
I hope you could join the chat for us to dialogue about it. I'll be here looking forward to hearing from you.