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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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Need to talk about my girlfriend and how she cant say know

Customer Question

Need to talk about my girlfriend and how she cant say know to guys shes to friendly
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help you with this troubling situation.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I assume that you are saying that she is unable to be faithful to you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How frequently does this occur?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Hi this is going to be quite detailed so I will have to start from the beginning is that ok?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Absolutely.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Depends what you mean ad unfaithful she has never slept with someone else while she as been with mean as I know

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She got talking to a good male friend of mine a few months ago. After we split up, we got together again a couple of months later.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is unfaithful.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Unless you have an open relationship.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She went to is house while we was split up and he came onto her he took her clothes off and tried to have sex with her when he tried to kiss her she realised it wasnt me and shot up and left straight away crying all the way home and was physically sick when she got home

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You were split up at the time so had not hold on her.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How do you know that this story is true? Do you believe it to be the whole true story?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Yes I was . The thing is since we got back together he rings all the time texts her saying how he feels about her that he loves her. She says she feels sorry for him and doesnt fancy him he rings at night and makes things up about me which is stressful to me. She tells me when he rings or texts

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You said yes I was. What did you mean?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

He is always asking her for coffees on her days off. Which she doesnt goto she deletes messages straight away but she says this is because it would upset me if I saw what he wad putting to her

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

I meant yes I was split up with her at the time he came onto her

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I'm sure it would.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And you believe that after she was naked she realised it wasn't you and left straight away without having sex, and then got very upset (from guilt?)

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

What I am trying to work out is does she feel sorry for him or is it more

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is more.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Yes thats what I believe

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If she didn't want to have anything to do with him she would block her text and phone and cut off contract with him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am so sorry that you have been hurt this way.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She is not credible

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He is still very much in her life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And she wants it that way.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Thats what I said to her but she says not. She had chance to be with him when we wasnt together then after he came onto her she rang me and told me because she has to tell me the truth she cant lie. She said it made her realise its me she wanted

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She has never met him since we got back together 6 week ago and told him she was with me so he knows but she hasnt put him straight when he tells her how he feels I know she has told him because she sent the message when I was with her plus she leaves her phone lying round and gave me her password and said go through it when you want

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If this is true then she must cut contact with him totally, 100%, with no exceptions EVER. Anything less is not acceptable and if she does it again then get rid of her. Don't tell her what you will do. Tell yourself and follow through.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you tell he then she will feel you are forcing her, or she will be even sneakier.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

A guy doesn't undress a girl unless she permits him, and at that point has to be pretty excited. She has to come clean with the truth and be truly repentant and then it will be easy to forgive her.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She has recently got caller display so she doesnt answer his calls she says she is scared he will come to her house if she doesnt keep text phone contact he turned up at her house a few weeks ago while she was out with me and he hung round all day till she came back home he texted her while she was with me and she accused him of stalking her

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If she is not honest or repentant - sorry in a heartfelt authentic way - then there is little hope

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She can talk to the police and state that he is stalking her. You don't keep your phone line available to stalkers. They have to be legally discouraged.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If she won't close her contacts and keep him way then she cannot re-establish trust and credibility.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you can't trust her then you need to find someone who is honest and doesn't behave this way.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Fortunately she is not the only available girl in the UK.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Something else I havent told you she as bipolar and body dismorpher she doesnt think nothing of herself yet she is extremely attractive. She told me she is going for assertiveness classes because she cant see when to say know

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The very first thing that I thought at the beginning of this chat was that she may be bipolar. What is she doing for it?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is she bulimic?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Does she have a bad temper?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She has even told her mum and sister about him while seeing me. And he rings her not the other way round.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She has encouraged him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Please answer my questions.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Not bulmic or bad tempered infact she never shouts

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What does she think is wrong with her looks?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

The reason I am still with her is because I know she is honest she is so kind and helpful she talks to guys like females and doesnt see it when they are coming onto her

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She thinks her face is disfigured I have never seen someone with such a symmetrical face in my life

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is she taking medication for bipolar disorder?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Jshe admits encoraging him and could have done more to stop it

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Yes she is taking medication she is on mood stabilisers

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

I have been with her 4 years and she as never given me reason to suspect anything her mum had 6 affairs and it says it makes her sick to the stomach she walked in on her mum in bed with anothet guy when she was 5 and she says it still haunts her

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

One of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is reckless behaviour including having sex recklessly, or driving or spending recklessly.. He mum could also be bipolar.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Body dysmorphia can co-exist with other mental disorders, including the depressive part of bipolar disorder.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is she still showing other symptoms? Fast talking, thoughts streaming through her mind? Feeling on top of the world and then changing to a depressed state?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Because of her illness you may have a difficult road ahead with her in this relationship.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She may need more effective treatment and will have to understand that this is essential in order for your love to last.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am sure that she has marvelous traits and does not want to act this way and thus she must get the best help possible.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Could you answer me this please I asked her about the incident when the guy came onto her she said I went down to his house because he asked her too. When she got there he asked her if she would like to watch a film she said where are they and he said my bedroom she went to have a look and thats when he grabbed her face picked her up and threw her on the bed. She kept saying in her head richard doesnt want me I am a adult I can do this, and kept repeating it until he came close to kiss her then shot up and rushed home crying all the way. She said leading upto to it she had never felt so low. She is adamant she didnt go down for sex I have talked to her about it since and she gets very uncomfortable about it and the thought of what happened makes her heave

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She is truly sorrowful and ashamed. She probably was feeling reckless from the bipolar and could not control herself but hates to admit it. She is afraid that you might not understand that this was a reckless compulsion and didn't mean that she was evil. She has a mental illness - a mood disorder - that can be controlled.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She is repentent.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Yes she does talk fast and I have read up about reckless behaviour and sex but the things she says dont add up for her to be that way with sex recklessly I know she would run a mile if someone came onto her and would text me straight away to tell me because she would feel she had too

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Forgive her but make sure she cuts all ties with him, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, she needs more effective medication.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She has impulse control with the sex. It could be reckless and dangerous driving. It could be gambling. It could be running up huge credit-card debt. This is the nature of bipolar. The logic is that she cannot control it rationally unless she has the proper meds.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

One other thing we went away this weekend and I shouldnt have looked but ad she fell asleep she started muttering in her sleep if richard doesnt want me I am going to have a affair this is the first time I have ever heard her say this while she was asleep I looked in her purse and found a letter from this guy saying how he felt and he loved her when I confronted her about it she said it had been there a couplw of weeks I asked her why she had kept it and she said she didnt know

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Does impulse control mean she can control it from going to far but doesnt know it until it gets to that point?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It means that she has a drive to do something that she cannot control.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Part of being reckless is having this secret affair with the other guy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There is only so much that you can accept Bipolar or not, she is still cheating on you, whether it is emotional or if it sexual as well.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have to make up your mind how much you will accept.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

She knows what she is doing. She just doesn't care because it feels good to speed, or spend, or gamble or have sex. Satisfying the urge is more important than the consequences

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

So do you think she is capable of having sex whilst with me? In 4 years she as never given me reason to beleive she regular says about her friends when she is out at night that if she sees them talking guys and its going to far she pulls them away and as words she is very anti it. She is always telling me where she is what she as been doing and where she as been

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you know the Shakespearian line (more or less): "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." A person with bipolar may do reckless things but they will know they shouldn't and will try to cover them up. I wasn't there, but it sounds a bit over the top.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If she can control her reckless impulses and you can let go of the past, then you can be fine together.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

This may be a hard task and I wish you great strength and courage. You see to be such a good, honest, caring and innocent person.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She says she could never have a one night stand and she swears on her sons life and he means the world to her. She gives him everything. She met her first boyfriend at 16 and married him. She split with him at 34 and was single 2 years didnt want to be in a relationship then she met me when she was 36 she told me she had never orgasamed until she met me at 40 years old she says she as only ever had sex with 2 men her husband snd me

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So what do you want to see happen?

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

She seems to have the mind of a child innocent and doesnt seem to know the consequences of her actions

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If that was true then she wouldn't heave when you talked about it.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Its hard. All I need to know is she tells me the truth and is honest with me. She as been asked out 8 times since being with her and told me about them all. I dont think her telling me is the problem and being truthful I think its she cant seem to know when it goes to far then she doesnt know how to stop it

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If her bipolar is not under control then she cannot stop it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is really up to you to make the decision about staying with her or not.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have the feeling that you will.

JACUSTOMER-cg12l5zv- :

Yes I probably will, thinking it is one thing she might have even been flattered by what this guy was saying to her and thats why she kept talking to him after we got back together.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Try to get her to get a reassessment of her medicines. She needs some more impulse control She should be seeing the best psychiatrist you can find in your area.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I hope that I have helped you in this last hour and a half.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Please let me know.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You can do so by leaving positive feedback It would be much appreciated. I enjoy helping others and that is why I do this for a living.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


Here is a book available at amazon.co.uk that will help you a great deal:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I do hope you show your appreciation for my time and professional help with at least a thank you. For my part, I shall keep you both in my prayers for success.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Are you still there?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I have just examined your past record and I would like to remind you that we have given you good answers to your questions. JustAnswer provides wonderful service at great value and I hope that you will continue to use our service and compensate the experts who help you. Thank you.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 2 years ago.
Elliott has given you great answers and great advice. Are you really trying to get a different approach to your concerns? He has engaged with you and answered everything you brought up. And you don't seem to be looking for justification to leave her. I can only guess that perhaps you're wrapped up in your own issues, but if that includes another emergent issue with your girlfriend, Elliott is the person to talk to. Please help us keep this website working for everybody by continuing your participation.

If you need one more suggestion to guard your mate, it could be this: Go to the other guy in person and tell him to leave your girlfriend alone, politely but firmly, with no threats attached. Comparative size doesn't matter, since embarrassment should do the job you need to do. Then tell your girlfriend what you have done on her behalf, and notice how she reacts. If it's anything but relief, you need to take her to a couple therapy session and bring that up.

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