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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hey there, Here is my situation, me and my ex broke up one

Resolved Question:

Hey there,

Here is my situation, me and my ex broke up one year ago as he said he did have problems with having a relationship (which could be true since I was his first official gf, he is 30 year old last year) and he got back to me when he found out me seeing others, and then we started this exclusive dating journey for about a year now and last update is he still like me enough to be in this situation, but he said he couldn't develop his feelings for me, he was not sure if it was because of his fear of having a relationship or he just simply didn't like me enough. I get so confusing and keen on borrowing some idea from expertise.

Thank you very much!
DG
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX all, I am not a native speaker so please understand my crap English=P

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem, this is my second language too.

Customer:

Cool! Kind of a relief=

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you tell me for how long have you been dating, and for how long have you known each other?

Customer:

we have been known each other for two years and a half

Customer:

dating for two years I would say

Customer:

Really don't know who can talk with about this, most people would just simply say oh, dont be silly, just leave

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, thanks. Has he shown this problem in other areas of his life or is it exclusive of dating?

Customer:

welll

Customer:

actually we both have a little bit social problems

Customer:

just a little bit

Customer:

like we both become really unwilling when our promised meeting-up with friends is coming...even if we know we would actually have fun if we go

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Fear of commitment, of too much intimacy, or of exposing yourselves to others becoming too vulnerable to be hurt?

Customer:

but at that moment, we just try to work out any reason to decline the offer=P

Customer:

well...both his mother and his sister had been deeply hurt by men

Customer:

so I know sometimes they might vent on him as he is the only man at home

Customer:

so I don't know if he is afraid of being hurt or hurting me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it would make perfect sense for him to feel this way, because of painful experiences around those very close people in his life.

Customer:

yes. I do understand this part, that's why I try to give him as much time as he needs, but sometimes I just wonder is it a dead-end road or there is still a chance, we do get along really well and match perfectly, we had never argued even once in two years together

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times when people present problems around commitment or intimacy, it is because they directly suffered or witnessed painful situations related to these areas, like it seems to be his case, since his mother and sister suffered because of it.

Customer:

He can be close to me, actually quite close to me...we are just like a couple, but he said his feeling for me was neither fading away, nor developing, his feelings for me developed more in living with someone sense rather than towards a relationship...that's what confused me a lot

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe this could continue the same way and even get worse, if he does not work at the personal level on these core issues-fears, since as you just said, it is not about you having an issue undermining your relationship, but his personal fears-problems getting in the way, leading him to sabotage it and leave.

Customer:

Yes...but he said if it was a case and he was that kind of person, he has to just accept that and being single for the rest of his life=P

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I beleive you need to reassess and identify your core needs and expectations about this relationship, and be clear about boundaries and for how long you feel you truly want to wait for him to work on these issues in order for your relationship to mature and grow.

Customer:

I did, and I made it clear that I will leave whenever I'm not satisfied in this exclusive dating thing

Customer:

but could you please give me some advice on if he just simply doesn't like me enough to have a relationship with me

Customer:

because he is still happy to be in this situation with me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if he is not willing to work on himself and make real improvements, because he does not acknowledge that these are issues that need his attention and effort for him to heal and grow from them, taking full responsibility for them and committing to make changes, then it could be hopeless to expect this person would change at all, since he is literally telling you that he is that way and that he will continue the same.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The core issue here is that no matter how much this person likes you, it is obvious it is not enough for him to change his mind and choose to work on himself around this serious issue, which is very sad and frustrating for anybody in your shoes, but he is literally telling you this.

Customer:

Yes, damn this honest guy, sometimes girls just like playing the saver=P

Customer:

I see what you mean

Customer:

anyone might think about these themselves but it's always great to hear them from others

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a relationship to develop and grow healthy and become a truly fulfilling experience, it must be mutual, both partners need to offer and share he same core needs and expectations, commitment, respect, sensitivity, affection and passion, values and maturity level, otherwise it would become dysfunctional and not truly a happy experience for both.

Customer:

but how could he work on this? anything I can suggest him

Customer:

is there anything I can help with?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think he needs psychotherapy to work on these core issues, otherwise he would not significantly improve.

Customer:

hehe...then it is hopeless=P he wouldnt want to since he sees it as a minor weirdness

Customer:

just thought maybe I could learn to help=P

Customer:

naive? yes, but kind of the only way

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By being totally honest, open, truthful with yourself and honest towards here, setting and keeping healthy and clear boundaries, so you would not enable his neglectful behavior, hoping he would value your love and work on himself.

Customer:

hehe

Customer:

He is actually cool in our dating

Customer:

He is not lack of anything as a bf

Customer:

Just not the committeemen part

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he does have serious issues, and if he chooses to deny or avoid them, to work on them, it would be unrealistic to expect he would get any better with time, since what uses to happen is for these traits to get deeper and stronger.

Customer:

yes...I understand that part

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see and believe you, then if you are willing to afford this status for years, then no problem, but most women in our shoes would not want that for the long run.

Customer:

well...I just simply don't know if it is because of me or his problem. What if other girls can make him commit in the end, I just don't know, and I don't want to rush him to deal with it before it is sure his problme

Customer:

problem*

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could endlessly speculate about it and never find out. That's why I said, you choose for how long you are willing to afford being in a relationship under these conditions and with these limitations, 1,2, 5 more years? Then if it does not change as you expect, you would leave if it does not work for you, or you could continue if you think that's what you need and long for and are willing to afford.

Customer:

Sure...sorry, I guess I ask these questions mainly from the aspect of what is better for him. I just literally have no worries for myself since I can leave whenever I'm not happy anymore.

Customer:

Anyway, thank you for your advice and talk...it's feeling much better to talk about this with someone

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

Customer:

I appreciate it

Customer:

Take care and happy Chinese New Year

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and please remember to rate session. Thanks.

Customer:

hahaha

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The same for you!

Customer:

I will make sure you get what you deserve=P

Customer:

bye for now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This should be a wonderful new horse year.

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