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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, I am head over heels in love with someone. Things have

Resolved Question:

Hi, I am head over heels in love with someone. Things have not been good between us since October and haven't been intimate since November. His Nan is dying and has days to live, but over the last two weeks I have found messages to two different girls saying he loves them to bits. He has said he lied to one of them and didn't mean it. I think I may have pushed him away and he felt he needed love through this bad time in his life. He says he has seen me do things in the past which has meant he thinks I have cheated, but I haven't. As we have been distant since nov/dec, I am wandering if he has needed the support to get through this bad time, or am I making excuses for him? I would be grateful for your input.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very concerning and frstrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long you have been together, and based on what evidence he has accused you of betraying him?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How old is this person and could you clarify what you mean when you associate his need for support and his betrayal with other women?

Customer: I have been seeing him for a year. When I to out I tend to be flirt but never do anything. He thinks he has seen me kiss my best friends' fiancé, and I have had my picture taken with a guy cos I knew him, but showed him as I had nothing to hide.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that's his evidence to state that you were betraying him and his excuse to have these relationships with these other women? Or did you end the relationship by October-November of 2013 and it is in that period of time that he has had these other relationships?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

According to your message he did not deny his words of love to one of them and said he was lying to the other woman, right?

Customer: No it is in the last couple of weeks (as far as I know) that he has been texting these girls but I wouldn't know. Do you think because I have behaved this way he is searching for love, security etc from someone else?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I wonder how could you trust a person who presents these serious behaviors, or do you have a non-exclusive relationship, or ended the relationship before he started having these other relationships?

Customer: We finished before Christmas as he wasn't giving me the attention I felt I needed.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but I cannot see how an adult could "search for love an security" by being unfaithful, and to justify such behaviors in that way is obviously very codependent, and could only enable further behaviors leek that. Do you have then a non-exclusive relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Thank you for clarifying.

Customer: I have never felt exclusive with hi,
Customer: him tbh.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then in a month time he has already had at least two other women who he has been telling them he loves them very much, and you believe that these behaviors are a normal need for support and security?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then if you have never been exclusive that means it should be fine for both of you to have other romantic and sexual partners, then what would be your biggest concern here?

Customer: No I don't. I said I never want to see him ever again, but because of his family situation, I feel like I have been shallow, craving attention while his Nan, bless her doesn't have long left in this world.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he is telling you that he still loves or wants to be with you while doing the same with other women, what is the problem, since you had a non-exclusive relationship, which ended last year?

Customer: Biggest concern it's I need an outside opinion whether you think imam wasting my time? It has been an on off thing since Christmas so in my head we are together but maybe he sees it differently
Customer: He says we were exckusive
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, it's a little confusing, if you said that you "never felt exclusive with him" what would be the problem, even more now that you are not in a relationship any more? Were you expecting to get back together and this time have an exclusive relationship?

Customer: Yes
Customer: I guess he has a different outlook and now doesn't want to deal with me or the situation because of his home situation
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but even when his words tell you that you were exclusive, you never felt that way, and his actions show he has been with other women in this brief period of time since the relationship ended, then I do not see how a person who is this dishonest could meet your core needs and expectations at all.

Customer: Even though a close member of his family is dying ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, so he not only does not recognize past issues, but has engaged in these behaviors and also is telling you that he is not willing to deal with it because he is busy with his life situation, which is not incompatible with his relationships with those other two women to whom he told he loves them very much , right.

Customer: Oh. I guess I need to accept to let go then. I'm struggling with that
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Grieving a situation like this is never easy but could you please explain how you justify grief with dishonesty and this type of romantic and sexual behavior,the energy and time has has to invest on these other women while refusing to work on the relationship you had?

Customer: I feel like I have pushed him away to behave like this because of the way I have behaved in the past. He tells me now he can't deal with me because of the home situation.
Customer: How can I expect him to fight for me when he is grieving at home?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with your last statement, it seems clear that regardless the obvious reality, which is very painful, you have a hard time facing it and coming to terms with the fact that this person is not only unwilling to work on restarting your relationship and working on it, but that he has already started having these other relationships with these other women this fast.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry could you explain what do you mean when saying you cannot expect him to fight for you because of his home situation? He is busy with his home situation for sure, and also with his other relationships, then what do you mean by that?

Customer: I think I'm in denial not wanting to believe he is in other relationships.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That seems to be the case here.

Customer: so I have answered my own question really, that I am making excuses for him because of the home situation.
Customer: sorry, I mean you have helped me answer my question
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I do strongly suggest you to look for professional individual psychotherapy to work on coming to terms with reality, working on your own healing process and to effectively cope with the challenges your present situation presents, having necessary tools and support.

Customer: I am still in contact with him via text shall I stop?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Real answers, correct ones are always without ourselves, and other people if helpful, could only facilitate the process of becoming more aware of them.

Customer: sorry I don't understand your last comment
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think that would be a consistent necessary action if what you expect is to start your healing process and to grow from it instead of attaching even more to this person and to fuel any further codependent dynamic between you.

Customer: Ok thanks.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry I mean: "Real answers, correct ones are always WITHIN ourselves"...

Customer: Thank you for your time.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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