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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been married for 20 year and known my wife for 28 yrs.

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 20 year and known my wife for 28 yrs. In the past few years things got a little stale on the rel;ationship side and also sex (which was never that important to me) last year i found my wife had been txting and seeing her ex husband. I challenged her about this and she admissted it but said that nothing ever happened and she was just meeting him as a freind as she was feling stale too. This stuck in my mind though and I eneded up contacting an ex girlfreind who i knew 35 yrs ago. She livesin Cornwall 280miles from me (i live in birmingham). Anyway I told my wife about her and that i wanted to be with her so wamted out marriage to end. She eventully agreed to this and so for the past 3 months i have lived seperate from my wife under the same roof and been slowly sorting my things out. I have been vistiing my ex girlfreind most weekends and spend christmas together and fell in love.
Me and my wife We went to Family mediation on friday to discuss what needed to happen. Over this past weekend I have been so emtotional as i have realised over the past few weeks that I dont want to leave my wife, house, campervan and all the things we have built up together and that i still ove her more than my ex girlfreind. I havet told her as i am torn apart now between the love for my wife and the love for me ex girlfrend but have decided i need to end it with my ex. trouble is I dont know how to find the courage to tell her. She is very poorly and disabled and i feel so rotton for contacting her and leading her to fall in love with me. I just dont know what to so as my mind is in turmoiland i cant sleep for thinking about te stress and upset thats coming
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this sad, frustrating and distressful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a very sad situation, since it seems your wife's actions pushed you away, and as a reaction to what you found out about her and her ex-husband, you felt you needed to look for the fulfillment you were not experiencing in your marriage for years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me if you have carefully discussed about your change of mind with your wife, to see if she is truly willing to work on healing your marriage that she truly loves you enough too and is willing to end the relationship/sharing she has with her ex-husband too to make it possible?

Customer:

I have not discussed my change of mind yet. She says she still loves me and i am confident that if i said i want ed to try again she would agree. She is useless on her own and feels her world has been turned upsdie down and cries a lot so i know she would take me back and start again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you are this sure about your decision and her feelings for you, then please, my suggestion is for you, as soon as possible to talk to her about it, and do the same with your ex-girlfriend.

Customer:

I

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would have to go there and meet her, and honestly and in gentle and empathetic way tell her what has happened, how you feel and apologize for what happened.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The more facing reality the harder and more painful it would be for everybody involved to cope with the unavoidable challenges this situation presents.

Customer:

Hi Thanks., I know this is what i need to do it is just the feelings of guilt that I am fidning it hard to cope wit mainly for contacting me ex and forming a relationship such that she fell in love with me and trusted me. She feels that she has been very lucky finding me as she lives on her own, doesnt have much money and isquite poorly and disables and feels she landed on her feet when I told her how i felt about her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No doubt this is a very sad and perhaps would become a traumatic experience for her, but you need to decided what you are willing to afford from now on, and make a decision, take full responsibility for it and for the actions that must follow in order to prevent further wounding and pain, in consistency with your caring about this person's well-being.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could offer a healthy friendship if that would be acceptable and good for her and for your wife, getting counseling or psychotherapy support for her to work on healing from it, and it would be her support system even if limited what would need to play an active role for her to heal from this tough life situation.

Customer:

OK thank you. I know this is not going to be easy. I wish I had never done it in the first place. It has been so hard facing up to reality when i have been sorting through all mine and my wifes belongings and evidence of the life we have had together

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is and would not be easy at all, but the last thing you want to happen is for it to get even more painful for this other person, that would not be acceptable. Before you were truly feeling you wanted to rebuild your life, and both as adults chose to work on it. Now you are aware that you were confused and made a mistake, and that's why you need to take full responsibility for that and be proactive, preventing any further pan from arising.

Customer:

OK thank you I will try my best

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There was no intention to hurt her at all, it was just a unfortunate situation that happened where all of you got confused and pushed by circumstances, then please do not torment yourself because of these mistakes, and focus your energy on doing your best to prevent further pain and play a healthy role in this person's life as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welocme.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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