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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi I was seeing a man very casualty from last March He is 44,

Resolved Question:

Hi I was seeing a man very casualty from last March He is 44, never married and no kids. I am 36 never married and a 15 year old daughter. Basically I never slept with him until November. Anyway he always seems so distant but when we get together we spend the night and talk etc. Well he was with me Friday. I told him I was going on a date sat. He didn't seem to want to listen etc. He looked awkward. In the morning before we slept together I said I was only sleeping with him as I had strong feelings for him. He said now I feel like a bastard.............well I have never felt so sick after his remark. He then said he fancied me physically and that was it. He then made a remark about his mother saying never take on another mans kids............he left saying enjoy your date etc, Welll I am not coping at all, my head is wrecked. I feel worthless, I text the next day to say I couldn't belive what he said and how much it had hurt...no reply. I am a mess
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The situation you describe here is truly painful and it shows how shocked you have felt because of this person's hurtful words and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious this person felt very upset by what you told him about having a date, while you understood there would not be any issue since you did not have a serious exclusive commitment, right?

Customer:

I am not sure if he was upset, I honestly think he couldn't care less. The comment I feel like a bastard to me was him saying out loud I am using you in a cruel way? maybe honest way?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about the type of relationship you had with this person, what was your agreement? Were you supposed to be exclusive and not to date other people?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have to agree with you about how cruel and wounding his words were, and I believe he did say that because he was not pleased to know about your date, and out of lack of respect, since you were sharing as adults under rules you agreed, and he did not respectfully XXXXX XXXXX you about any issue he had with it, but just chose to react in that abusive way, ending every communication.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is this the very first time this person reacts in this abusive way towards you?

Customer:

We met in Maqrch, we dated, then he said he was not in relationship mode. I told him to get lost at this point. He was and is going through a lot of financial bother, should go bankrupt but too proud. So I let him go. Two months later he sent me a message via facebook, pretending it was sent two months prior. Then two weeks after a midnight call which he said was not him. So we got back in contact and agreed to get the sexual frustration over with. Yes silly. It was the cruel way he said it I do not understand

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then he was the one who did not want to have a committed relationship, was avoiding you, not being direct nor honest, and finally reacted this way ending all communication without further explanation.

Customer:

In a nut shell

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it's been his own insecurity and immaturity issues what have been undermining the capacity and willingness for him to work on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily no matter how hard you may try, when a person chooses to be and stay in that mode, only he could choose to change, otherwise it would be the same, and I do not think you want to afford further wounding.

Customer:

Or is it at this age I have been just used for sex ;( You can say it lol say what you think. Also where do I put my head?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to learn from this painful experience in order to avoid further wounding, so you would only trust a person who deserves your trust and affection, otherwise you would expose yourself to be used and abused, what could never led to real fulfillment in relationship no matter how much a person may feel love and attachment to another.

Customer:

How do I stop being angry and feeling stupid? Do you think he had zero feelings for me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think he has no feelings towards you otherwise he would not have reacted in such way, but it i s obvious his attachment and feeling are not healthy since they have not evolved with time but got distorted, and instead of growing into further openness and honesty, it became this hostile and wounding. Please come to terms that you this person feels and thinks in very different ways that you do, and that's why your relationship did not evolve as you expected. Your anger is a normal reaction to feeling used and abused by this person, then do not deny it, but do not attach and fuel it even more, it go go away by itself, just focus on learning from this painful experience for you not to expose to anything similar again, that way it would be helpful for you to take even better care of yourself.

Customer:

Ok last question, if he contacts me again what do I say? or do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That depends on what you expect from this person. Do you still feel you truly want to keep sharing with him at any level, and willing to afford what it could take, now that you know more about him, his personality , feelings and ways he sees you?

Customer:

I suppose, I jjust struggle with the fact people are dishonest, don't understand it. awful! Before I said how I felt about what he said. I told him I had a great wee date and we where heading out Sunday. I wasn't trying to hurt him just make a bad situation better. Ie a friendship, trying not to hurt. His reply was good for you ;(

Customer:

The sad face mine lol

Customer:

he sent a happy face lol

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why whenever people expect to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships, it is essential to first make sure you know each other well enough so you know you do have the same value and belief systems, standards, maturity level, and share the same core needs and expectations, that your personalities truly match, so that you could work as a real team to make things even better for both of you. This takes time, patience, a lot of sharing and obviously mutual honesty, respect and caring.

Customer:

I know, I was a silly women. He is not in the right place. I think he thought I wasn't good enough because I ahd a child. Well I hope he finds what he is looking for. Unfortunately for me I will be left feeling crap and as if he thinks I am worthless. That stings

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There will always be people thinking in very different ways,no way yo control that, but we can always learn from experiences so we would not expose ourselves to those who are not compatible with who we are, pour values, expectations and life style. We 'd focus on those who could share in healthy ways to make our lives even better, and that's what make it worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need and deserve people who can truly respect you, care about you, make your life happier and better, and not to get wounded, used or abused. Now focus on what truly seems worthy and leave behind what does not help you in your path. Motherhood is not a reason for shame but for pride.

Customer:

Thanks for the shoulder ;)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could try rating again now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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