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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very sad and perhaps overwhelming situation.
Could you please clarify or confirm that it is his ex-wife who has died but not his children?
exwife has died
Thank you for clarifying.
Could you tell me what's your biggest fear now about this situation?
he has been in contact every day but says he cant really make any plans with me cause they may need him they both have a girlfriend and a boyfriend
I see. You mean he has left and travel far away to stay with them or close to them, and if so for how long?
Was this a plan both of you discussed and agreed to follow before he left for the funeral?
his son and daughter at the min is staying at their home house he was divorced 15 years he lives half a hour from them i could not go to the funeral as it was not my place to go i have not met his son or daughter he can hardly tell them now
You mean he has never told them he was in a relationship with you? Have you just started dating?
He was divorced for 15 years, right? Then was he single all these years without dating at all but only you and only recently stared this relationship?
no we where on and off for 4 years i wanted a realtionship he didnt then i went no contact for few mths time without me realised that he wanted me we only got things back on track a month ago thats why he says hes afraid of losing me
and he always said any realtionships he had he kept them seperate from his kids
I see, then you have known each other for these past years but your relationship was never solid nor stable... He always kept them secret?
But he is an adult and has been divorced for all these years, it is very unusual for a mature man to do that, what could point at a very limited and unhealthy way to approach relationships, with his own adult children and women. Then it is in fact concerning since he has been the one not truly wanting to be in a relationship, but now he makes these statements abut being afraid of losing you...
Then which are his and your needs and expectations in the present abut this type of relationship you have?
he had talked about getting engaged at christmas but he says now he will have to leave it because of his kids which are 22 and 19 and do it the next year he broke my heart before bynot wanting a realtionship he has been very good to me since we got back
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating and sad situation, it is very concerning to know you have been in this type of relationship for the past 4 years and facing the very same core issue, and taking into account the reality you have depicted here, I feel very concerned about the concrete chances for this relationship to finally start maturing and growing as a truly healthy and fulfilling one for the present and in the long run, because of the serious issues these person seems to have.
i told him today i should of met them long ago and he says i will but will be possibly be a year he lives 40mins from me he had planned to come to my house on sat nite passed but rang and asked if i would go to him on case his kids needed him we had planned to be together 14th weekend of feb but says he will have to play it by ear the son and daughter is at university in england they may be returning in a few weeks
It's very frustrating and concerning indeed, this behavior matches a teenager hiding from his parents since afraid they would punish him if finding out he has been doing something wrong. I strongly invite you to carefully assess your core needs and expectations in this relationship and to set clear and healthy boundaries and limits, in that way you would know if this person is truly able and willing to respect, understand, love and support you the way you need and deserve, meeting your basic needs and expectations as adults in a mature relationship.
Does it make sense?
do i not have to try and understand him with their mum just dead they would not want to meet daddys girlfriend but then again they have been divorced 15 years
I think a core mistake here is the assumption that his behavior hiding this core part of his personal life is totally fine, fueling further secrecy and justifying enabling a more codependent relationship with his adult children, making it appear that it would be sinful and unacceptable, even abusive if he dates with anybody else since he divorced their mother. This is just a very unhealthy and dysfunctional way of approaching things, and I am very concerned about the way this person has been building this unhealthy reality for all this long an dhow you have been taking this much and wonder how much more you would be able to afford like this.
They are not little children, he has not just abandoned their mother and a few months ago and feel afraid of presenting his lover who destroyed their family, that is not the case at all, it is absolutely the opposite, and that's why I do not feel very hopeful about your relationship with this person because of the serious personal issues he has.
This is why I suggested you to carefully set good boundaries and be very realistic for you to see if this person truly deserves you and is willing to work on building a healthy an d mutually fulfilling relationship or not.
what good boundries would you advise
To start by setting a concrete tie frame for him to introduce you to his children as his partner for example. I beleive it shoudl nto go beyond around 6 months from now.
That his towards and promises should be followed by consistent actions without excuses, otherwise you would not be able to trust him again, since that would mean self-sabotage and further wounding.
It seems the core issues here have been around lack of honesty, consistency,commitment, setting acceptable priorities, and more, so all these core issues must be addressed for them not to be perpetuated even more.
Does it make sense?
thankyou for your advice very helpful
You're very welcome
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