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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 535
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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i caught my girlfriend flirting on facebook with someone from

Customer Question

i caught my girlfriend flirting on facebook with someone from her gym. She says nothing happened even though she also had his name in her phone under a girls name. At the time this happened I was sleeping in the spare room of my ex's, she said she did it only for attention as she didnt like I was still in my ex's house albeit in the spare room. She swears nothing happened and did mention in between the flirting (over 100 msgs in 20 days) that she loved me and hoped to be with me if I ever left my situation which gives me some comfort. I didnt see the phone msgs, the facebook ones were not too explicit but playfully spoke about nudity, how in shape there both were, she even offered to go round and cook for him which wasnt nice to read but they never spoke of anything like how great a night in bed they had or anything like that but like I say the phone msgs could have been more explicit....i love her so much that I just want to forget it and move on but this horrid feeling creeps up on me and I cant bear to be around her, its pretty horrible for us both. Can we get passed this?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 3 years ago.
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though. I do have a couple questions first though. Are you still living with your x? Is she still communicating with this gentleman? I want to help you, but the answers to these questions and any other details might be helpful in doing that?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

hi, no I am not living with my ex, and my girlfriend is no longer in contact with the guy from her gym.


 

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 3 years ago.
Well, that would have been my first step. It is good that both of you were willing to take that step. That proves you are committed to making this work. It looks to me you both need to work on forgiveness. I know you say you have talked, but I believe you need to set aside a time simply to with on forgiveness. There are at least three steps to seeking forgiveness:

1) Acknowledge the pain you have caused. Both of you have hurt each other and it is nobody's fault but your own. You both need to acknowledge your Blame and the pain you have caused.

2) Admit your blame to one another. You have acknowledged your pain to your self. Now admit your blame to each other.

3) Accept the consequences of your behavior and your honesty. Admit the blame with no strings attached. An apology is not real unless without strings.

After apologizing, be willing to accept the apology of the other. Give the other time to accept yours. Remember this works both ways.

Does this make sense to you? I hope this is a help. Let me know if you have questions.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

she does apologize constantly but says her actions are justified. I think she has an issue with telling the truth as there are a few examples of her being caught in a lie but I wont go into those. I have already forgiven, otherwise I would have ended this, I forgave her before I confronted her as I already made my mind up I couldn't leave her but I am really struggling and just want the horrid thoughts to go away. Is there anything I can do on my own to help my thought process? It seems whenever we tackle this together we end up shouting at one another, and it is her doing most of the shouting.

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 3 years ago.
Wow, honestly other than talking it out, it is mainly going to take time. If she has honestly earned your distrust with deception, she is going to have to earn your trust with her honesty. I know this isn't what you were asking for, but it sounds to me she was hurt by your remaining in the home of your x as well. I am not blaming you for anything nor am I really say she deserves an apology. It sounds like you have legitimate concern. I do believe it would move you closer together if you were to address the issue of your x. Just assure her that you are done with your x and that she is every thing to you. Seriously, other than that, give it time. Expect her to be honest and give her a chance to prove herself. Over time you will grow more trusting and as you trust her more she will feel more freedom to prove her loyalty.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 535
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 3 years ago.
Thank you so much for your positive rating! I hope in my feeble attempt, I was able to help you at least a little. I do believe you are willing to do what it takes, so hang in there. Expect the best and don't distrust her unless she proves you wrong. As you expect her honesty hopefully she will be inspired to even more openness. If you ever need any more advice feel free to contact me...
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 3 years ago.
Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC

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