Hi, thank you for responding....and at such a late hour. I understand and agree with everything you have said. However, I may not have been clear on a few points....we do not live together anymore...I moved out with the intention of cutting all ties because it was abusive (verbal and emotional) and he had started to get physical. I recognised 'red flags' and raise them, tried to resolve them as and when they happened but, he 'played me' and I did not make any real progress. I continued to stay because I didn't recognise his behaviour as abuse because I have a lot of abuse in my past. I have had counselling, he belittled that, I then did it in secret, but could only get so far as I was going back to the situation. The counselling was for me (to unlock the affects of my past), not for us. I recognised our siutation as 'difficult' but only realised our situation was abuse when a friend used the word when responding to something I told her in confidence (i.e. his rage and him attacking me)...and it took me 16yrs into the relationship confide in anyone about this.
No, I have my own place and have had for 4yrs. I cut all ties, but he tracked me down after about 8mths. I kept him at arms length, but we have gotten close over the past 2yrs.
Especially after I had another difficult sutuation with a business partner who told me that he loves me (not mutual, strictly business) and he stalked me and ripped me off financially. My ex, became the 'rescurer' in this scenario. I guess this has made me feel guilty about my feelings toward the sadness he emotes and cannot (will not) shake. I feel I can't trust people (well men) and now I feel beholding to him and as if he is the only one I can really trust, in spite of what he has done in the past.
Ps. My abusers were all male i.e. a babysitter, a boy at school, an ex boyfriend, my father, an ex boss, an ex counsellor etc.
So, I know if I say, I will have to find a way to live outside this sadness that he (and his family) exude....but my lack of trust is making it hard to walk away.
And, yes, he went to 4 counseling sessions with me...he used it as ammunition to attack me. Then, not so surprisingly, admitted they/I was right and apologised. the usual cycle...attack, apologise, normal....attack, apologise, normal...lots of days ruined with silent car journeys, seething and looking out the window...