Hi, thank you for responding....and at such a late hour. I understand and agree with everything you have said. However, I may not have been clear on a few points....we do not live together anymore...I moved out with the intention of cutting all ties because it was abusive (verbal and emotional) and he had started to get physical. I recognised 'red flags' and raise them, tried to resolve them as and when they happened but, he 'played me' and I did not make any real progress. I continued to stay because I didn't recognise his behaviour as abuse because I have a lot of abuse in my past. I have had counselling, he belittled that, I then did it in secret, but could only get so far as I was going back to the situation. The counselling was for me (to unlock the affects of my past), not for us. I recognised our siutation as 'difficult' but only realised our situation was abuse when a friend used the word when responding to something I told her in confidence (i.e. his rage and him attacking me)...and it took me 16yrs into the relationship confide in anyone about this.
No, I have my own place and have had for 4yrs. I cut all ties, but he tracked me down after about 8mths. I kept him at arms length, but we have gotten close over the past 2yrs. Especially after I had another difficult sutuation with a business partner who told me that he loves me (not mutual, strictly business) and he stalked me and ripped me off financially. My ex, became the 'rescurer' in this scenario. I guess this has made me feel guilty about my feelings toward the sadness he emotes and cannot (will not) shake. I feel I can't trust people (well men) and now I feel beholding to him and as if he is the only one I can really trust, in spite of what he has done in the past.
Ps. My abusers were all male i.e. a babysitter, a boy at school, an ex boyfriend, my father, an ex boss, an ex counsellor etc.
So, I know if I say, I will have to find a way to live outside this sadness that he (and his family) exude....but my lack of trust is making it hard to walk away.
And, yes, he went to 4 counseling sessions with me...he used it as ammunition to attack me. Then, not so surprisingly, admitted they/I was right and apologised. the usual cycle...attack, apologise, normal....attack, apologise, normal...lots of days ruined with silent car journeys, seething and looking out the window...
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX just wanted to be clear.
Re. Trust. I have never considered myself as someone who does not trust...if anything, I am confident, if reserved, sociable person and am able to make normal, happy friendships. But, I am beginning to feel that I am afraid to trust anyone who wishes to get any closer than that.
I have had a lot of unwanted attention, and although I listen to my instincts, I am finding that I don't listen to them because I question if my radar is 'on pointe' or if it is my 'I have had my trust abused, so maybe I am being overcautious and not cutting this person some slack'...that's when things like my ex-business partner happen. I never liked him really, he was 'harmless', energetic and very sweet. But, he slowly creeped closer and closer...I ignored my 'I need to get as far away from him as possible' signals by looking for other queues to support my feelings. But everyone else just 'smiled and put up with him because he was harmless'....so, the door was nudged open...it snowballed from there...
So, the trust issue is...not trusting/acting on my instincts...because they do seem to be right...I guess I am used to my action being 'ignored' or 'questioned' by someone who had an agenda...
Thank you :) and thank you for your advice at such a late hour.
I guess there is no avoiding it...I just need to do what I know I need (and want) to do...a little bit of courage is called for....and little less guilt, if I can...
Have a good evening.