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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi. Ive been going out with the girl who i believe to be the

Resolved Question:

Hi. I've been going out with the girl who i believe to be the love of my life for over 5 months now. She is 35 and i am almost 35. I'll give you some back ground...

She was with a guy since she was 15 and married him when she was 22. From what she told me it was a very turbulent marriage, he treated her badly and over the years she developed an eating disorder which she told me he contributed to causing!! Family members told me he would have slagged her about her weight etc..She is now quite thin, but healthy.

He had an affair about 6 or 7 years ago, she took him back but then realised he was still seeing this other woman. Again she took him back and they tried to work things out. However, almost 2 years ago they had a party in the house and he went to bed, leaving his wife downstairs with their neighbour (a male). My girlfriend and this guy ended up kissing and her ex husband caught them, a fight broke out and the neighbour left. Her ex husband then proceeded to give her a beating, leaving her hospitalised!!
Even after this as time went on her and her ex husband saw each other now and again until he decided last summer he wanted to go to Australia, she told him if he got on the plane the marriage was over...he left in August. She cried a lot when he left but decided that was it and it was time to move on and rebuild her life
We met then only a few weeks later and we fell in love within a couple of months. We are great when we are together and i get on well with her her family. (I know her family were glad to see the back of her ex). Her friends and have family, even my girlfriend, have told me how happy she has become since we've started going out...that it's the happiest she has been in years.

Sometimes however she still talks about him, she promises me she's not in love with him and that she loves me and that it's not about her and him anymore and that i am her future. She admits though a part of her still loves him. He contacted her a few weeks ago looking to take money from their joint savings account and she agreed. She gets mad though when she sees posts or photos of him on facebook. (She blocked him on facebook ages ago, it is through mutual friends she sees photos and posts. ) She tells me she just wishes he could move on and meet someone.
Her anger when she sees these things worries me, i think is she still in love with him? If she is in love with me why should stuff like that still bother her? My gf admits also she is still trying to get over him and that everything that happened is still pretty raw in her head so it's going to take time.

She tells me she just wishes he could move on and meet someone. Also about 6 weeks into our relationship she emailed him to tell him she had met me and wanted to make a go of things....his reply was " i just wanted to go to Australia to see if i could live without u!!!"....When he emailed looking money he told her he had seen pics of us on facebook, that she looked happy and he was glad she was happy!!
She assures me the divorce and their house will be sorted this year, but so far nothing has happened.
We have booked to go on holidays in a few weeks which i'm really looking forward to, we have weddings to attend and we are going away for her birthday in August.
I'm so in love but so confused. I believe her when she tells me she wants me in her future but her ex will be home sooner or later and i feel threatened by him and i'm terrified of losing her
If you need any more info let me know, i just need a second opinion on this.
Thanks.
P
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very distressing and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The scenario you describe is very clear, showing how much your girlfriend suffered in her marriage in ways that could only happen when love and attachment get deeply distorted, to the point they become destructive, very abusive and violent, mentally, emotionally and physically too. What is much more alarming here is that regardless of all the abuse and violence involve, causing so much pain and suffering in her life, she did always got back with him...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe the fact he left was a unique chance for her to have a break from such a nightmare, but that her wounding, with the distorted affection and attachment are still very fresh, and you just started dating after he left, what makes things very challenging here , and your concerns and fears realistic based on their chronic pattern of always getting back together regardless the serious issues they have had in all those years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you are a real blessing in her life, and that she can see you really care about her, there is no doubt about it from your words, but that time is necessary for her to work on her rehabilitation process from what has been distorted in her, so she could truly heal, grow and make necessary improvements from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nothing can guaranty she would not get back to him as soon as past factors reappear, but you cannot base your life and relatiosnship on the past or the future, but only focus on working on the present , making of it real, healthy, fulfilling and enjoyable. Then time would empower your affection, attachment, passion and promote her rehabilitation and growth processes, as long as she allows an d actively commits to it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes it does, thank you. She has told me a few times that even if we weren't together and he came back looking to reconcile with her that she wouldn't, that she has learnt so much in the past 5 months and simply couldn't go back down that road again....but we won't know i suppose until he comes home!!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. It is very good to know that she has been able to acknowledge and make this commitment with herself to not get back to this abusive and destructive person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But it is only time what will show how well things evolve, now you can and should only focus on building this relationship as good as you can.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Has she got individual counseling or psychotherapy to work on her rehabilitation process?

Customer:

Oh yes, she has done so much to help her with her emotional healing. She attends reikki once a month and this has helped her no end. He has wrecked her emotionally, she gets easily stressed and would sometimes shut me out...but in fairness she always recognises this and apologises. She has had family trouble lately too but i've been there for her through it all and she is very appreciative of it.....you think its worth hangin around then? :-)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are the only one who could answer that question, since it depends on what and how you feel towards her, the affection and trust, hope and resilience you have to cope with all the present and future challenges. Some people in the same situation feel the can and want to afford the risks and challenges it would take, while others would feel overwhelmed by it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it really depends on your feelings, personality, resilience, what and how much you are willing to afford here.

Customer:

I have no intentions of letting her go....i love her too much and i suppose i just have to believe her when she says that i'm "the one" now and not him. People have told her before she met me her eyes looked dead....but she has now become a new person this past 5 months, i can see it myself when i look at her old pics and you can see a sparkle in her eye now....she's a very beautiful girl......her family think the world of me and treat me so well....but i guess they just see the difference in her and that she is now being treated the way she deserves to be treated

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That sounds really wonderful, and I fully support you, feeling the way you feel and hope, makes it absolutely worthy for sure.

Customer:

Great. Thanks a million for your help....it's a relief to finally get chatting to someone about it. I suppose she does see me in her future otherwise we wouldn't be going on hols in 4 weeks or away for her birthday in August :-)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I feel glad to know it has helpful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely! Please enjoy every minute in this relationship, and that would always make it worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

I will..thanks. Take care

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. You too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember to rate session, Thanks.

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