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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Patience with a new relationship

Customer Question

Patience with a new relationship
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

How may I help you?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I am assuming that you are having some difficulties with a new relationship and would like some dialogue about this.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You may not be back online, because I cannot see you typing or responding.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I see you now.

Customer:

Yes please. I met someone a couple of months ago. He hasn't had a long-term relationship before whereas my most recent lasted 8 years. I've been single for about 2 years. We live in different towns and he is lovely, funny, great company and very keen. He's been to visit me several times. He says he really likes me. I got a bit carried away and started talking about how I only want to get involved with someone if it's long-term, I'm in my late 30s and looking to meet someone and eventually start a family. He was really taken aback as he said it is really early days and is just liking us getting to know each other. I can't believe I said it! i really panicked. I'm not sure what to do now.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I think that you can explain yourself and tell him what you told me - that is is keen , funny, and he he knocked you off your feet and were not about to keep your reserve in proper perspective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell him that you have embarrassed yourself and do not hope to drive him off. Explain that you have been so lonely and were knocked off your centre by meeting such an extraordinary man.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You understand that some thoughts need to be withheld, but now you have said too much and ask him to forgive you as you have now gotten a grip on yourself and just hope to have the opportunity to continue discovering each other at a more sensible or conventional pace.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

As an exceptional man he should be understanding and not be scared away.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I would imagine that you are very intuitive.

Customer:

thank you. I have sort of done this, he said that he understands. when we were just talking he said that he doesn't think he would have children for many years. even though we're at such an early stage, I can't help but think why should I bother with him as he will not want what I want so I may as well give up now. I know it's irrational but maybe I'm right? I don't think I can afford to waste much time if it doesn't work, I'm really scared of getting hurt. I think he's scared of being in a relationship, he is adopted and has some issues and says he is very very choosy when it comes to women. he worries that he may change his mind because what works now may not in a while. It's all gone a bit heavy.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell him that you want to be friends one day at a time and not worry about the long term. It will sort itself.

Customer:

Trouble is I definitely want to be more than friends, we are already. I know I'm falling for him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It is too early to just chuck it all out. I understand that you don't want to be hurt or form a relationship with someone with whom you may be at odds. However, if the connection is strong enough on both sides, then you may adjust to each others needs.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have already fallen for him and he may not be as deeply as you are, at least not yet.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

If you quit now or quit in several months the pain and loss will not be much different.

Customer:

yes that's it, I know I have. He says he realises he hasn't quite as much as me but he was to see if his feelings grow. he says he just needs a few months.

Customer:

I feel a bit silly though and I've put all the balls in his court. I just couldn't help it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Perhaps he cannot male a bond readily because he feels abandoned as a child and has a problem making bonds. He fears abandonent.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Why not take a chance and give this some time?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What you said to him is very sweet, and because of his background may have been the best thing you could have done.

Customer:

yes he has said that he fears abandonment. i should give it some time, you're right. he has asked me to meet his family but i've backed off because i felt like it means something serious. but i want to.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It will actually make it easier for him to think about commitment. You should him trust and allowed yourself to be very vulnerable. If he were a different person he would take advantage of you, but this perhaps very buoyant for his spirit.

Customer:

do you think i should meet his family now? he even talked about wanting to go on holiday together soon.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Tell him again that you would love to meet them. He IS very serious if he told you that. He is just very cautious.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Absolutely.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Just remember that he has been emotionally damaged by abandonment and you have to help him heal. I caution many people against going forward with relationships, but in your case I encourage you heartily.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Are you still there?

Customer:

yes sorry he's just called

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Good !

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have not scared him off. It is essential not to scare yourself by too much speculation.

Customer:

yes, I think it's me that needs the help with being calm and patient!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

And you can do that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

May I recommend a book for you?

Customer:

oh yes please do

Customer:

funnily enough he just told me he bought himself a book

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is ironic and funny.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Here is the book.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :



This is an effective workbook.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX it right now!

Customer:

and this is the one he has bought himself:

Customer:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/870910.They_F_You_Up

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


I checked the book. This may help him with his abandonment issues.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that your relationship has a wonderful chance to succeed.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I hope I have helped and shall keep you both in my prayers.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Is there any other way I may help?

Customer:

thank you so much elliot, i feel much more positive that we do have a chance. all the best.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

To you as well. You have a wonderful opportunity and it looks so good.

Customer:

can I just ask why you really think so? See how insecure I'm being!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Because this man really likes you and you like him. This is your relationship to lose because it is going so well. Be positive. Get the book. Use the self-fulfilling prophecy to be positive and go for success

Customer:

Thank you

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are so very welcome.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you