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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have messed up a "relationship" by admitting my feelings

Resolved Question:

I have messed up a "relationship" by admitting my feelings too soon and he does not feel that way. He does not want a relationship. How can I get over him? And how do you think there is a way I can resolve things with him in the future? How do I make him want me back?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this distressful and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify the scenario? You said you "messed up a relationship", right? What type of relationship you had-have with this person?

Customer:

Thanks for being here to answer my question!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Customer:

I met him last summer

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you said he does not want a relationship. Then he does not want to continue, start a new one, change and old relationship you had?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

OK

Customer:

and we had been "dating" from my point of view

Customer:

but from his point of view it was obviously not that kind of thing

Customer:

I told him how much I liked him and he said he liked me too but he has always said that he doesn't want a relationship but it might change...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How is that possible? You date if you are not only friends but have romance, sexual relationships and share more. or you would be friends with benefits, right?

Customer:

I don't know if it's me or whether it's him, or the situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let's see, how were you "dating " for all this time? What were you doing together for you to believe you were dating?

Customer:

yes, I think in his view it was "friends with benefits"

Customer:

Going on dates

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Were you romantic... I see!

Customer:

yes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that's very sad, because if you did not explicitly agreed to be friends with benefits and were sharing like that, it is obvious and normal for you to feel and think you were dating.

Customer:

yes exactly

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious this person was not very open and honest, nor respectful and caring towards you, to keep sharing-dating you this way, and now say that you were only like friends with benefits.

Customer:

he said to me that he "thought of me very highly but was not keen enough for a relationship"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

So all these months this person was sharing this much-dating and now tells you that it was not dating, that you do not have a relationship and that he does not want one, but expect you to keep being his "friend with benefits?

Customer:

no, he does not want to see me anymore

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he has been using you.

Customer:

that's exactly what I said to him

Customer:

that he just wanted me for sex and nothing much else

Customer:

and he then told me to stop contacting him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very sad, frustrating and wounding, since you were already dating and when you start giving even more affection, passion and commitment, he told you that you never really dated but just had benefits.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No way, this is very shocking and abusive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it's clear this person does not truly care about you, nor even respects you.

Customer:

i bumped into him recently and he was then acting all over-friendly and polite

Customer:

and i just told him i had to go

Customer:

and he was all "it's good to see you again"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Otherwise he would never have done something like that for all these months and now just ended your relationship this way.

Customer:

i know that in the grand scheme of things this stuff does not really matter, but it has been messing with my head

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It does, it is not nice but very painful, it is abusive, this person was using you to please himself, while never taking you seriously, and now leaving that way is awful.

Customer:

yep

Customer:

anyway

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But in your question it seems you blame yourself for "admitting your feelings too soon". You were already dating, so you did not do anything wrong.

Customer:

thank you for listening to my rant

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This person does not deserve you at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Customer:

but i should have just not jumped into bed with him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not expose to this person, to be used or manipulated by him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, but he did it and kept it while not telling you that he was not taking you seriously.

Customer:

i won't

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

it is always really handy to have an extra outside perspective

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

We all need that, specially when tough things happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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