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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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i have been cheating on my girlfreind and breaking up and then

Resolved Question:

i have been cheating on my girlfreind and breaking up and then getting back together but it has stressed me out so much i dont know what to do without her ,im so unhappy and she is so good to me but costing me a bomb .
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'm very sorry to know about this perhaps overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me why you have been hiding your relation from everyone, and why have you been betraying her if you love each other so much?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be here, waiting for your reply to previous questions, for me to be able to understand your concrete situation so to provide sound support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you.

Customer:

i trust her and she is there for me 24/7 but i do not want to spent the rest of my life with her ,i do not want to hurt her as im not that kind of guy but it has me so stressed i dont know what to do.she loves me and i feed off that ego but i just cant commit im only 24 and she is 29 going on 30 and wants to setle down.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Customer:

its a mess of a relationship ,the reason iv been hiding our relationship is because i got drunk one night months ago and my best freind got jealous and he said the next time i see ur girlfreind im telling her

Customer:

rafael please help me as i will be waiting for your reply

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then is that is the case i do not see a good reason for you to keep her attached to you, fueling even more her hopes and affection towards you when you do not want and are not willing to keep her as a real long term life partner.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean you have been hiding her because of beign afraid your friend would tell her you were drunk, or about you betraying her with other women, or not truly in love with her-wanting to be with her as a real life partner?

Customer:

i know but she is my best freind & you are right rafael ,my freinds have told me to finish but i dont know how to .iv broken up with her 4 times in the past 18 months .

Customer:

and I keep on getting back with her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you told her what you feel, need and want, that you have been cheating, that you do not want and will not have a real long time relationship with her, have you been truly honest with her?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems you have not, and that's why you relapse and keep self-sabotaging while hurting her over and over again, this seems to have become a real addiction.

Customer:

betraying her again with other women i have cheated on her 3 times with different women,i am afraid to tell her i have been cheating her .rafael its a mess

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I do really believe that the only way you have to start taking good care of yourself and to stop hurting this person even more is by being %100 honest, so she will know that this is not good for her, and you would be able to start taking good care of your life too.

Customer:

she is costing me my hard earned money and time and my dreams are shattered ,she is not the one for me i do not dream about her i dont think about her etc........its sex i think i dunno im too stressed to know .my life is in chaos over this i have my brothers wedding in 2 weeks and i dont want her to come

Customer:

she has done nothing for me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do nor need to hurt yourself nor this person even more, perpetuating this destructive vicious circle would only create further pain and suffering, then the only way to break it is to be totally truthful with yourself and honest towards her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean it is mostly about good sex and getting a lot of benefits from you?

Customer:

she just loves talking about we shuld go to paris ,amstredam and italy she loves the cannabis aswell amd good times i always feel she is a bullshiter and i never see her freinds which is very weird

Customer:

i dont want to be hated by her either .i know this girl 18months

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If that is the case it would be like she's been using you too, and that's why she is this pushy and fine with your behavior, the secrecy involved and everything else...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I am sorry, but I think this person is not healthy at all, but could know very well what she is doing, and is taking advantage for your vulnerabilities, manipulating you this much, and you just said it's mostly sex, then I think you are seriously self-sabotaging here, she is not your friend at all, because a good friend would never use or abuse you in any way, and she has been doing that all this time, while you know about it and have been doing the same. You have become addicted to her.

Customer:

her freinds know i cheated on her in june 2013 after she found a earing from another girl i slept with so she took me back 2 weeks later .her history is her having a good time and i feel because she good everything from daddy e.g credit card and free hoildays that she thinks im going to provide for her .she has about 1000euro s in her bank she is a qualified nurse and spends all of her money ....so please rafael understand that it is tough for me aswell i have 10grand saved she has nothing not even a car

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

All the issues you have described here seems to show that this is a very addictive, so a destructive relationship, because of denial, dishonesty, manipulation, secrecy, justification, avoidance and many more core issues always resent in addictions, and this is why I do not think this person truly loves you as you said before, i think you try to convince yourself of that to perpetuate the addictive relationship, but it is obvious you are only getting sex from it, and she is getting all the material benefits you offer.

Customer:

i think your right she puts on such a show ,but i think ur right i am very easily lead by her and like my best freind said iv become fasanated by her

Customer:

she knows im insecure with my job

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe you and can imagine how hard it is for you, and know that only you know how tough it feels, but also know because of my professional that this is not something healthy, I do believe this person has been using and abusing you financially-materially being very well aware of your vulnerabilities, and you have truly believed she loves you, but even common sense shows you that this could be anything but love, that it is a very addictive relationship, which can only destroy you and enable her abusive ways too, she is not a victims here.

Customer:

so i feel she knows how to manipulate me .i dunno its just its tough im a very good lucking lad i look after myself etc...i got f**ked over by everyone except her

Customer:

i feel ur right and i always feel she is using me for my body and my money

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think the only victim here is you, that she is an expert manipulator and has found in you one more vulnerable person she could use and abuse, materially-financially.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is love & sex addiction and she is an expert doing what she is doing, since no healthy, mature and honest woman would play this way this way.

Customer:

she loves going for meals 24/7 & then she might pay for e.g coffee or pay for lets say diesal but when it comes to my birthday etc...

Customer:

she loves smoking cannabis the odd time and i hate that as i feel she will bring me down .even my 50year old freind said it and she will get pregnant on purpose

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please look for a good professional psychotherapist since this is a serious addiction and she will not stop, she will do everything in her power to perpetuate it as long as you get money in your pocket and were this willing to give it to her.

Customer:

u are right but i am afraid i wil end up trying to get back with her .

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and concerning, and the more you exposed yourself to this person, the harder it would be for you to heal and be free from it. As you can see, in your mind you tell the story that she is the victim here because of you cheating, but in reality this is part of her manipulative game, and the worse you feel about it, the more empowered she feels to use and abuse you.

Customer:

iv never seen any of her freinds since last october and she s very hidden like me and she never put in a relationship on facebook and guys keep on trying to add her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely I do think the same

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why you cannot make this work for you unless you choose to, and that means by facing reality and telling your support system about it, getting necessary individual psychotherapy and looking for a support group.

Customer:

she tells me about her freinds and there are all sluts and who there are haviong sex with etc....the question is would she be meeting anyone ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times people like her do these with as many victims as they could get, you can be sure about that.

Customer:

because she says id never cheat on u ...now her brother knows we re back togther amd her freinds all know but like...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These are very smart and skillful people manipulating others to take advantage of them, fueling love and sex addictions since they gain from them

Customer:

she says id never cheat on u ...and that she wants to go travelling the world and who is going to pay for it ? ME

Customer:

WE HAVE SEX UP TO 10 TIMES A DAY

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, that's why she "loves" you,and the very moment you stop spending money with her, you will see how her "love" vanishes, that you are not "good" any more for her.

Customer:

and she says she never meet anyone like me ..she has addictive personality.rafael one more thing before i go ...when she gets drunk she acts completely different she doesnt want to have sex she get narky she gives out etc..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you, this is sex-addiction n=and she is a professional, I can tell you so many stories just like this, and most times people in your shoes only face reality when they have wasted all their money, investments and even put at risk house and basic needs, everything because of their addiction.

Customer:

we lived in an apartment for 6 months i moved out on purpose because she bearly wanted to pay rent and she said why should i have to pay rent ...when she s only there certain days of the week

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, do look for a good professional therapist, trust your support system and find a local support group for sex addiction, otherwise the pattern would be for you to get more addicted until you have no more money to give her, only then she would leave you alone, but would always be ready to get you back if you get more money and benefits for her.

Customer:

like she has done nothing in our relationship i mean nothing

Customer:

as in how has she helped me ...?

Customer:

she never pays 50/50

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please trust your loved ones otherwise you would keep self-sabotaging getting deeper into this devastating addiciton.

Customer:

ok i will contact a counsellor asap

Customer:

its very tough to try and love someone who u gave so much time to

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to comes to term with reality that a person like her, will never do anything for you but to exchange sex for money and benefits in a covered way, but as long as you keep self-sabotaging believing she loves you when everything shows you she doesn't you would not get any better.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember this you do not love her, you are addicted to her and she is a professional who has been using and abusing you, because she knows very well of your vulnerabilities and addiction to her.

Customer:

infairness u dont know her but u obviously know these kind of girls .its mad

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do so as soon as possible

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do, and there are many like her, many

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

i dont have any further questions as i know what i need to do ,i have to meet her tomoro so whats the best approach ?

Customer:

she s 29 she is knowns for doing drugs years ago but an extremely good lucking blondle

Customer:

my freinds all know her game

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can tell you with certainty that anything you do implying exposing yourself to her would not work, because of this addiction and her expertise manipulating you-men, you would get just deeper into it. I always suggest people in your situation to need every form of communication, literally, and to do everything else I suggested, or it would be hopeless and helpless. You cannot dialogue and become friend with "cocaine" or with a "robber", can you?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would only have a real chance to rehabilitate from this addiction/person if you end every communication with her and choose to trust your support system, the healthy and supportive people from family to close friends, to help you commit to psychotherapy and not to relapse, with a good support group too.

Customer:

true ,its mad how people out there use each other & i mert this girl at work so we hit it off i always got a bad feeling though around her all her freinds are jokes and there dont care about her ...why ? because they know what she s like...perhaps ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, it is very obvious for somebody who spends a little time around a person like her, to find out about her ways.

Customer:

she lives at home ,she s addicted to shopping and then found out she got a loan of 4000grand from a bank ...what for ? her ex boyfreind was a joke i was a junkie and all he wanted to do was smoke weed ..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For me it is not hard to see all the patterns present, and that's why I tell you with certainty how serious this is, and truly hope you choose to start your rehabilitation process right away, before adding extra pain, suffering and consequences destroying your life with tit.

Customer:

this guy was a waster but she probably got every penny out of him ...and she says she was only with 2 or 3 guys all her life and then she was drunk one night and said that i v been loads of guys ....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, it perfectly matches reality around people like her, they have serious addictions, are expert manipulators, and do everything in their power to take as much advantage as they can from people willing to do it.

Customer:

example rafael she gives out about people ..example her freind katie saying that she uses these men and that she loves breaking up marriges etc...all she does is give out about her freinds she only let me meet them once or twice ...why is this rafael?

Customer:

ok i hide alot of things on facebook and i wouldnt put in a relationaship status and my viber id never put her in my profile id be sending dirty messages to other people aswell

Customer:

so im no sunshine either and i would fantise about other women while having sex with her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is addiction, and a person being a real professional abusing people like you

Customer:

i cheated on her several times because i was so unhappy

Customer:

she tells me im perfect .u could be great at anyting etc..

Customer:

she lives at home with her mother and her mother gives out about her with drink ...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, it makes sense. She will keep the same approach as long as it works for her

Customer:

her mother has heart to hearts with me about she does this and she doesnt save and she s no car ..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer:

i feel bad because i gave up all my freinds for this girl ..now i have no freinds rafael

Customer:

i spent 24/7 with her.sleep work sex and good times at my expense

Customer:

so i need to rebuild my life

Customer:

im 24 im fit good lucking ,women no problem but this addiction is serious

Customer:

i actually had a gambling addiction 3 years ago so this would be more of it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is for sure, then it is about getting back your health and life, of getting deeper into this addiicton, you choose.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do get therapy ASAP

Customer:

i will have

Customer:

to

Customer:

i will have to confront her tomorrow what is the best way to end this

Customer:

what really hurts is she was my best freinds

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do nto suggest you to expose to her as I said before. You could send an email ending it, and that's it

Customer:

how about a txt or call her ...

Customer:

its valentine s day today

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I know, and that's why it is hardrr, but again, remember that she is like cocaine

Customer:

i havent bought her anything ;-)

Customer:

she is very addictive

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think it is better a brief email, and nothing more, then block-erase her contact-account-address and commit to your rehabilitation process or you wound not be able to make it work.

Customer:

i will let you go after this question i have one more fear of her finding out i v been cheating on her ..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you start this process right away, otherwise you would suffer much more.

Customer:

i dont know why

Customer:

sher she doesnt know any of my freinds or has a contact number for them

Customer:

and she hated going out in my hometown and only wanted to go out in her hometown

Customer:

she wanted me to move to her town and move in with her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These fears you have do only fuel even more your addiction , self-sabotaging and enabling her abuse. lease do not keep reinforcing these patterns or it would be hopeless

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times people like her do control everything they can to make things work for her, and that's why they would avoid exposing themselves to people and situations that are not convenient for their plans.

Customer:

and what would her plans be ?

Customer:

good times with me obviously but she s isolating herself from everyone else

Customer:

she did that with her last boyfreind ............what is that about ..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Isolate and alienate you even more, fuel your dependency, your addiction to her and her life style, so you could be more vulnerable and manipulated by her.

Customer:

jasus thats scary

Customer:

but ur so right

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That way she controls things much better from her addictions to her life style, using men like you to get material and financial benefits.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take consistent action with the right support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember to rate session

Customer:

i will .thank u for ur time this has been extremely great advice

Customer:

its going to be tough

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