Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counsellor for Answers ASAP
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I think many things could be at play here. Yes menopause could contribute to mood swings and difficult feelings but if she has felt neglected for 11 years then this could be more of a long standing issue.
She may need some time to sort things out...she has had a few medical issues that can feel overwhelming and this can cause additional stress and desire to be on her own.
If she would consider going back to counseling together then that could be a great place to start...but it may be where she needs the space to see how she feels.
not easy for you at all, but as you know we can't hold on tightly when someone wants something different.
If she feels that menopause contributes to her mood issues then having her see a doctor for that is a good idea but I think her feelings about the relationship are longer standing and need to be addressed.
The hardest thing for any of us to do is to let go a bit when someone asks for it...the fear of loss is too great. But holing on doesnt make it stay.
tell me some thoughts...and welcome.
its true they are long standing but we have never had time to take a breath. when jamie was born she got the blues and i had to get the socail worker to get her seen to. we were in a run down area of london which spurred us on to move. I had debts and need to pay them off and so started the circle of overtime. unfortunately when those debts went others took over.
in terms of your work..you were doing what you needed for your family...and yes there were costs to that...her feeling neglected.
as you said its hard especially when we have been through so much.
she is dealing with a lot and her decisions may feel abrupt
would she go back to counseling with you to see if repairs can be made?
it was hard and the cost to me was that I didnt see much of him growing up
or is she giving you no choice and her decision is final
I have asked
yes and you were doing what had to be done for your family...not easy on all involved
and she says the damage is done and that she doesnt care,
I want to go back as I feel the distractions and I feel more adult about it if their is such a thing
its was as if I was going into battle
the statement of she doest care just leads me to feel that some sadness and possibly depression are there. if she would be willing to be seen then that can all be looked at including how menopause might play a role into her apathy
and also how you feel and can be open and less guarded in therapy
now I feel that if we went so much would be gained
yes i think so
yes I agree. and she is refusing?
I feel that my side is not being considered
and that it is justified to all but her
it may not be right now...but not with malice but because she cant if that makes sense...
her feelings are overpwoering right now and that is where the care needs to be.
its as if her issues are forefront and mine are secondary
not easy for you but the same as you wanted validation i therapy the first time I would suggest that her feelings become the focus
yes and they are!
I am trying to understand her
and it doesnt mean yours arent valid or wont be recognized but it sounds like she needs to be forefront now...can you give her that
she felt neglected and now she needs to be acknowledged.
but want her to look around her and to think about how her actions might affect others me
you might not agree with it but if you hold onto a position that only hurts you in the end
she is not able to do that right now and if you sit in that argument she will move further away from you
im not sure if I need to leave
so a statement to her might sound something like this....
it seems like i am forever being challenged by her
honey, I love you dearly. I see your pain and I hear your feelings about neglect. I did what I thought needed to be done and I am so sorry for how you felt through it all. I want to do what we can to repair this and have you feel cared for and responded to."
thats nice I will use that I have the valentines card
that that can go in
excellent. that response is from a caring place and not a challenging one.
it lets her know that you see her feelings
I keep thinking that she will one day see what I have been doing and appreciate it
it doesnt mean you get put on the back burner for good but right now she needs to feel that you care and can see how she might have felt
at moment i am the villian
yes and there are inherent differences between men and women
she needs the touchy feely stuff and you were being a great provider yet she was feeling neglected
exactly emotions and factural
they mean the world to me and it was only ever them
so we all have to open up our minds to experience the others space
yes and men and women give differently
she needs the touchy feely now...can you give it to her without having to make her see the things you desire her to see?
i would work and then take them on holiday loading the debt then having to work more overtime vicious circle
and yes your needs are important but right now I think she needs that from you
yes and you are a good man but it wasnt working truly for anyone
I am patient
but would like a way of getting her to a councellor
so be open with her...be vulnerable...put the pride away for a bit and let her see you understand her expereince without defending yours
not sure if that is possible she is pretty stubborn
yes I think that would be good too. but start here and then go from there.
although she did say she was shocked to hear that she had been going through menopause
when we are stubborn as women it is because we are hurting...take your time with her and be genlte and caring
she wants to go out more with her friends is that her making up for lost time
or something else
yes because she is trying to find herself again...
can you give her that space?
but dont know as a man what the boundaries are
should I get annoyed or disturbed if she wants to go on holiday
I think you are good man with lots of pride...be gentle and caring and help her feel loved through the touchy feely
she may need that time to feel free and it may help her to miss you and the family unit.
we all have those moments-mid life- hard to negotiate but holding her too tightly doesnt get her to stay. she needs some wings now
its a shame its that what I want us to be a family
she said i should move out at christmas
then said nothing afterwards
not sure if its knee jerk from hre
she is feeling a bit lost now...give her the care we have spoken about and go from there.
but will try
yes it is. but you have done many difficult things in your life.
ironically i will be around more now as job is changing
most probably too needy for her at moment
find that balance..give her some space and care for yourself...
were splitting bills now, although that caused a funny comment as i said it would mean more time for her to do her things to which she replied that she wouldnt be able to as she wouldnt be able to affoard it
so not sure what the message is there ..lol
exactly...this tells me that giving her this time could help her realize and reconnect.
but you must not "show her" just let her be and give her the acknowledgment of her feelings/
she felt neglected by her mother as well, she left her with friends when she was a child so that she could work, beginning to think this is a deep issue
yes it is long standing.
even more reason for that councellor
the quiet love and support will go a long way here. she tries to push you away but cant
sorry could you elaborate on the last bit
yes all the ways we have been talking about...the gentle care that is needed
so how to get her to counselling thats the million pound question
wish me luck
yes and dont rush with that one...she will feel threatened. in time you can suggest that you would like it if you could both get back in it
yes I wish you luck. you can come back and request me anytime.
just put for coachjenk only at the start of a new question
please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my work.
I am here when you need and happy to support you. I wish you the best
happy valentines day for tomorrow, mine might be the ok corale but the thought will be there
ty and I wish you a great one too filled with love!!!
have a great rest of your day and evening
ty bye for now
bye and ty in advance for a positive rating