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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi, I met john 3 years ago. He has 2 girls and his ex wife

Resolved Question:

Hi, I met john 3 years ago. He has 2 girls and his ex wife was not involved with him or kids. He had split from a girlfriend that mentally cruel to him. We got together for about 5 weeks. I was basically a shoulder to cry on but we was really good friends. It filtered out as he was in a bad place and he went back to her. I just got on with my life. Christmas Eve he put a card through my door to say thanks for all my kind words and he has turned his life around and would like to say thanks and meet up. He left his mobile number. After speaking to my daughter , I got in touch. We have now seen each 3 times. On our second date he turned round and said if I was to go out with any other man, he would not be bothered but he loved being with me as we get on brilliant. His girls are now young ladies and I get on really good with them. My problem is do I stay with him after what he said as it's sticking in my head. I feel he is going to hurt me as what he said was brutal to me. Also I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. Or shall I leave with my head held up high as I not taking any crap and I'm not desperate for a relationship. I've been on my own a while. I'm confused and can't understand what he wants. But I don't want to be just for now.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like XXXXX XXXXXkes you a lot, but from what you said, he has not resolved his issues with his past relationships. That usually indicates someone who cannot be fully devoted to a new relationship.

There are also some concerns regarding a relationship with John. One, he originally used you as a counselor to help him work through his past. Then he disregards XXXXX XXXXX and goes back to his ex. That is putting himself first, not a good thing to do to someone.

Two, he shows up in your life again but his motivation is unclear. He hints at how well you both get along, but still seems reluctant to commit. Plus it is still not clear if he has dealt with his past relationships yet. And what prevents him from not just up and leaving you again if he felt the desire to do so?

Third, there are many questions regarding his motivation as to why he suddenly has shown up again. Is he contacting you because he just ended a relationship with someone else and you again are acting as the "rebound" person? Or was he free before this and now realizes his mistake in ending your original relationship?

In all, it seems that he might not be a good person to be in a romantic relationship with. Being friends with him might be a great option, but once you consider being romantically involved, that brings up his previous betrayal and his current relationship status neither of which benefit you. Being friends with him would still give you the benefits you have now and also remove you from getting hurt by him again. Plus, if your gut is telling you that moving on now would be better for you, it is good to listen. Something is not sitting right about this with you and you are the best judgement about what you want and don't want in your life.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate








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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate. We are romantically involved as we was last time. So it's quite difficult to just be friends. He came back and pursued me. I know his last lady friend was casual and I think it finished before he came to see me again. When I asked him what he wants from us. He says just let's concentrate on today. Am I expecting too much from him at this moment. Or am I justified in pinning him down for an answer as to ask are we going to make a go of this. He says he still has issues with the ex but in a way he is glad he went through it as it's made him realise what he doesn't wants. He says I'm one of the nicest and good people in his life. But you don't talk to nice people like that. Even when we are honest with people.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information.

You have a right to know his intentions in the relationship, which seems to be what you are asking him when you bring up what he wants from the relationship. And given how he was with you in the past, it is ok to have some issues with trusting the future and his motivations. So there is nothing wrong with asking him to give you more. He cannot expect to give you whatever answer he wants without considering your feelings. You are half the relationship.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5802
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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