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I am very sorry to know about this concerning and distressful situation.
Hi there, I am just on my way out to an interview, could we chat a bit later? Sorry, is that ok?
I am very grateful for your reply.
Sure it is, just join the chat and post something, so I will know you have come back, and we'll chat about it.
I am glad to support you and will be looking forward to dialoguing with you later.
Thank you :)
You're welcome :o)
Bye for now and have a great interview.
In the mean time I will share what i see form your story.
So you could read it once you come back and have time for it.
First this is about your long term relationship, you are just not dating without any form of commitment, but you have become and been living as life partners for the past three years. This means you have a greed to build a long term exclusive commitment, where you set each other's health, happiness and well-being as number one priorities in your lives, and from there everything else would be adjusted in order to promote your ability to build and promote a mutually fulfilling and healthy reality together.
In this reality, clear and healthy limits and boundaries must be set, where your core needs and expectations form each other must be very clear, so you both could respect them, and work on making sure good understanding, and from there consistent support and caring evolve.
But you described how for the past few months your partner has been deepening this close relationship with this coworker, who is married and has children, to the point of sharing everyday through FB, to the point you have felt uncomfortable with their level of closeness and intimacy, and for the time he invest on her. Sadly he does not see anything worn with it but refuses to acknowledge how the intensity, closeness and frequency of their relationship is affecting you and your relationship.
Hi there, apologies for the delay in responding
Yes, that is basically it, you've summed up well in the last sentence.
From his point of view, he is a great boyfriend. He is kind and considerate and has always taken my thoughts into account
He has lots of female friends, and he is close to some of them, this is ok, I am happy for him to have friends of the opposite sex. He is an outgoing guy and is a woman's man
He is not loud, or lewd and does not make any kind of inappropriate advances
He justifies that it is totally fine, that it is not an emotional affair because they do not discuss about your relationship, but that is not a good reason at all, but sounds like an excuse
but I have an uneasy feeling about his friendship with this particular woman.
Yes, to me it is an excuse, but if he is not willing to talk about it, it's difficult.
I see, and it does make sense for you to feel this uncomfortable, because of how it's been evolving, and he has already been lying about the level of intimacy they have
That's a core issue and big read flag, I 'd say it is more than a read flag,, it is already an issue since he is totally disregarding the impact it's been having in your relationship, and it in unwilling to make anything about it, but continues to deepen their relationship in those ways.
the thing is I cannot prove the level of intimacy they have. I only have suspicions or what I saw this morning on facebook...it doesn't add up to much. There is nothing 'sexual' or that UI wouldn't say to a very close female friend of mine...but at the same time, in my gut I know I am not imagining things
When incidents like the one you just described around this trip together happen, , they should not be dismissed at all, if you join that to the other concerns it gives you a bigger and very concerning picture.
Should I tackle it in a certain way? What is the best course of action?
Right. In this recent incident he complained about the trip, said it was boring and would have preferred to be there with you, but he preferred to go with her,and the FB messages show they truly enjoyed it and expect to have another nice times like that in future weekends, right?
Yes, he complained yesterday evening, saying it was such a pity that they couldn't ski much and sat around all day bored waiting for the bus to come home. I actually believed this! I felt bad for them and even sent the other woman a message (she is also my work colleague one day a week and we get on well together), saying how sorry I was that they didn't get much skiing, but I was glad they had some company (i.e each other). Then the message this morning, they both had a great time! she was the one who was saying she wished it was Sunday and that she couldn't wait to do something again. He did not respond directly, just sent her a smiley face.
I believe that the core point to be taken into consideration here is how you feel about his behaviors with this specific person, to reassess your core needs and expectations in this relationship, be clear about the boundaries and limits you need to respect in order for it to work, evolve and get stronger, healthier and more mutually fulfilling, instead of weaker. Here it is obvious he prefers to deepen this relationship than taking good care of your relationship, respecting your feelings and concerns. I do not think most people in his shoes, nor him would feel very happy and comfortable with you doing exactly what he is doing with his "friend". I do not believe he would feel even OK with it, It is not about another make friend, so that[s an obvious issue here.
He genuinely loves to ski, we had gone together the week before and had a fantastic time. I know he would have been a little disappointed not to ski
I believe you need to talk about these core needs, expectations, set good boundaries from them, and agree to fully respect them for your relationship not only to continue but to evolve,mature and get better.
You need to choose what and how much you are truly willing to afford about heir relationship, and then take consistent actions base don that. I he is able and willing to respect you, then you could make things work, otherwise I think it would just undermine your relationship more with time.
Yes, I know you are right. You've explained it well. It just hurts so much knowing that if I don't accept this relationship with her, it will be over for us. I know that's how it will be.
I am very sorry to hear that, then his priorities are clear for you, and it is this painful to come to terms with them, but it is obviously necessary for you, so you know what you are doing and what you chose to afford now and in the long run.
I am afraid it does not show a solid, healthy and mutually fulfilling future together. But you are the only one with the right and power to choose your won path, just be mindful about it.
Does it make sense?
Yes it does
I thought I might hear that everyone has friend of the opposite sex and it's ok for them to spend time together and I just being a jealous girlfriend!
Many people have friends of the same and opposite gender, but when the person's sexual preference allows more attachment and intimacy to develop because of the closeness and intensity of what they share, then clear boundaries should be set, otherwise problems would arise, unless you happen to have a non-exclusive relationship.
You just acknowledged that he will not think twice and end your relationship if you do not tolerate this behavior, then that is very clear showing this core point about reality.
I do never sugarcoat things, since any form of codependency is incompatible with any healthy approach to things, and while here with an answer , or through counseling and psychotherapy bad professionals would do exactly that to please you and get your money, it is incompatible with my personal and professional approach and values.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care.
Thank you very much for your advice.
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please keep in touch to follow up if you want.
...and remember to rate session
Bye for now.