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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi my name amanda. I kicked my partner out a month ago because we had money problems and it was getting to me,the first few days he was saying he missed me and can't live with out me. Then I started speaking to another man which he was jealous of he was that bad he used to come to my home to see who I was with asking me not to do this and is it what I wanted. I decided I weren't ready to move on I loved him and wanted him back so I've asked what he wants and his reply was I want u back so I told him we are not getting back together unless he comes home and his reply was il think about it and il tell u when I no. What is there to think about if it's me he wants me back. He doesn't leave me alone always telling me he loves me. I told him not to contact me till he has an answer and he agreed but then he still consist on txtin me but it's not about what I've asked him. I tell him there's no point and that we may as well go our separate ways since it's been a month and he's says he doesn't want that and he wants me so y when I've said if you want me back you will come home does he need to think about it. We hav had 2 talks to resolve it any we jus keep going through same stuff and it results in us arguing and getting no were

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this sad, frustrating and concerning situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about his money problems and other core issues you were having in the relationship before the breakup?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I imagine these problems were chronic and serious enough, to the point of you feeling overwhelmed and unable to keep going because of his passivity, lack of accountability and efforts to work on making real changes and improvements, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine he got frustrated and upset when knowing you were talking to this other man, but you decided that you wanted to work on healing your relationship, so ended such communication and directly told him to come back in order to work on it. Unhappily his words, and specially his actions are showing you that he does not truly feel the need and that he is unwilling to get back to you to work on healing your relationship and your family.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

I had to pay a big debt back and he wasn't working so I was complaining about it saying he needed to find work but I worry about everything so I jus kept getting on his case. I felt like he wasn't there for me and didn't care because it was my debt so everytime we argued he would disappear out all day and leave me seeing to the kids knowing I had things on my mind but him disappearing all day didn't chelp it then that turned into another argument, he said that he did that because I would get on his case anyway so he jus decided to stay put the way there was no point comin home to more arguments. It's like

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Si you were the one financially taking care of your family?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very serious, I am sorry to know it was like this, then you were totally right, he was seriously neglecting you and your family, while using-abusing you emotionally and financially, not taking any real responsibility.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

It's like when he new about this other man he wouldn't leave me alonebut when iI question what it is he wants he tells me its u I want. Iwas out this weekend while he had the kids and he was cconstantly txtin me telling me he loves me and wants me back so I gave him the ultimatum about coming home he said he needs to think about it told him there is no contact untill he has answers but he stil keeps txtin but isn't in contact as much as he was at weekend it's like there's someone else something is stopping him from comin home but I don't no what is he says he wants me back

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But now, that you want him back, has he already worked an on those areas and made real changes in such a short period of time? Everything you said seems to point that he's got even worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, but what I see here is that your partner is a very immature, manipulative, neglectful and abusive person, who does not truly care about you. His words trying to persuade you of how much he loves you, while his actions continue to be this neglectful and abusive, show he is dishonest and a destructive presence in your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

So you think that's what he is telling me really isn't what he feels and that he's jus trying to control me but doesn't want me to be with anyone else because I no myself that if he wanted me back then he would of been home before now I do think something isn't right but I don't no what it's like he doesn't want me to give me the answer because he knows if it's not the answer I want then I will walk away and move on as I've told him this several times told him I'm not going to keep doing this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, sadly i do believe he is trying to continue manipulating you, making you believe he loves and cares about you, while all of his actions shows he does not care, but wants to control you and keep you attached to him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

I guess I no what I have to do now I can't believe he's told me all these lies don't understand y he doesn't jus let me go n move on with my life because in away I've got used to being on my own and maybe he has also and that's why he hasn't showed any actions

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember that every time you allow him into your life, without him truly respecting you nor your family, you end enabling further manipulation, neglect, abuse and wounding, and that is something you nor your family need nor deserve at all.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

I understand what your saying I jus can't understand whyit is he keeps ttelling me u no I want u and that I wantyou back but needs time to think about things surelyif you don't want to sort a relationship out then he would jus says he doesn't

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Because of selfishness, manipulation, codependency, a very distorted way of addressing things, personality problems making feel empowered to use you that way to please his ego.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

So the moral of the story he doesn't want me back

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think he would not let you go that easily, but would perpetuate his manipulative ways as long as you allow him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He does want you to stay there attached to him, while he perpetuates his selfish, responsibility free life style.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

Yeh this is my thoughts he wants his cake and eat it wants to do as he please but then wants to come back to me when he is then bored. It's jus annoying I jus want to no what is what family and friends are telling me he's just a Messer and to leave him to it but easier said than done but I never contact him I'm very stubborn but so is he were both Taurus star sign which is a bull I don't like to give in but neither does he but the thing is by giving him the ultimatum I am the one who has give in

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please look for counseling or psychotherapeutic support, and a codependency support group, for you to truly work on taking good care of yourself and family and not to perpetuate this vicious self-sabotaging circle that could only wound you and your family more, and that's something you do not need nor deserve at all.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

Thanks I won't need counselling like I said I am getting used to being on my own I jus need to ignore everything he's says because it isn't true and that's y it was getting to me like it was thinking well if that's how he feels why has he not done anything but I've got my answer really

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please get all the help from your support system to stick to taking good care of yourself and family in order not to get trapped into this vicious circle again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the direct link to my profile here: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ You can contact me using this link, and make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the times.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. I'm glad to know this has been helpful. Please take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you have any other question that I may help you with?

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

Maybe he is jus getting me back for all the times I said I didn't love him and that I didn't want him anymore but it wasn't true I was jus mad because he's jus messing with my head but I do think he is with someone else he didnask me on the Saturday jus gone to talk which we did and then he was saying he wants me but how I exspect

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

Him to come back jus like that after me going out meeting and talking to other people after a week of splitting up and he was saying he wants proper love towards him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I strongly suggest you not to trust words but only actions. In that way nobody would use, abuse or manipulate you.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

But me talking to other people and telling him was to get a reaction out of him which I got with him telling me all his feelings it's like a game

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person truly respects, cares and loves you, that person does not hurt, abuse, neglect or manipulative you. See his actions in time and be clear about what they show you about him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and the last thing you need here is to play games , he has been doing that all this time, so it would not help but create further illusions that would lead to further self-sabotage.

JACUSTOMER-5dzrv4tq- :

I no what you mean but this isn't the first time were he's had to think about things as we have only lived together for 5 months before that he had his own house and everytime we had arguments he would run back to his place so I gave him an ultimatum then if he wants us do work then we do things property and that means he moves in and gives his house up and that's what he did. Everytime we argue I tell him to get out my house and what's he's saying is that my house doesn't feel like his everything in it Belongs to me and not him but it's jus like excuses. We split several of times but he didn't live with me at that point this is the first proper one since living together and I don't think he's coming back this time like he always ends up doing

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then this is an old pattern that started much before you started to live together, thus it should not be used as an excuse to perpetuate all the serious issues created by his choices and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle and good care, consistent actions, and feel free to contact me, since I will continue to support you as possible. Bye for now.

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