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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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How do I tell if my marriage is over?

Resolved Question:

How do I tell if my marriage is over?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation. Could you please tell me more about it?

Customer: I have been married for 6 years, looking back I don't think I should have got married as I am very independent but I conformed to societies ideals.
Customer: My husband is very different to me, he is selfish, and lazy
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What led you to get married in the first place then?

Customer: And he gives me very little support and affection. This has been going on for many years, and I found his lack of support particularly bad when I found out I had Graves' disease
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It takes two people to start the marriage path, and both do shape the way it evolves and grows, whether it happens to become more or less healthy, meaningful of fulfilling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you have this medical condition.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Did you marry him because you truly loves, respected and wanted to build a life together?

Customer: I got married because I hit 30 and thought I had to get married and have kids etc
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long has he been this lazy, non-supportive and selfish?

Customer: But that didn't work out and I had a miscarriage
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, that's very sad, but a common reason for women to get into marriages, and most times it just do not work well

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, that's very sad.

Customer: I think he has always been this way for the past 5 years at least, but it becomes more apparent after a miscarriage or serious health issue
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then what are good reasons for you to have been into this dysfunctional and non-fulfilling marriage for this long?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Social pressure?

Customer: I don't know really, I think maybe because I took a vow, maybe because my parents are divorced, maybe because I don't want to accept failure
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are this independent woman who has felt this unhappy for this long, and your life quality has not significantly improved but deteriorated because of this marriage, right?

Customer: Maybe I don't want to be alone
Customer: Yes, you are right, but it's hard to accept
Customer: I know deep down he loves me, but he was very spoilt as a child
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

All those are very common reasons for people to get married and stay married regardless the pain they suffer, but reality pushes them even more to come to terms with what is truly healthy and worthy and what is not.

Customer: And recently something else has happened which has confused me even more
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The problem with marriages and relationships is that if both persons are not mature enough, have serious personal issues, an dare not truly compatible at core levels, no matter how much love one or both feel they have, it would not be a healthy but a destructive form of love, and it would not make their lives better and more fulfilled but worse and unhealthy.

Customer: an ex from
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I listen

Customer: 20 years ago has contacted me, and I met him for lunch for old times sake. We laughed and chatted and he was very attentive to me etc
Customer: And this has mAde me question my relationship even more. But then I think do all relationships become dull and boring after time?
Customer: I feel trapped
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, not all relationships or marriages become bad or dysfunctional. I have to say that many are dysfunctional and unhealthy, most not truly fulfilling and some truly good, and that happens because both partners do really work together as a team, respecting understanding, supporting and taking good care of each other, with real, healthy love, empathy, affection and passion, having same core value and belief systems, needs and expectations, and obviously compatible personalities and life styles.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Not many people do work on themselves, but perpetuate personal issues, which literally shape their relationships, undermining them. So it takes both working on themselves at the personal level, and as a team to build and promote a healthy and fulfilling long term relationship.

Customer: Right, I understand. So what should I think of this ex coming back into my life?
Customer: I know it's a separate issue from my marriage. I just don't know what to do next
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Words and nice sharing for a few occasions could be very pleasant, but you only happen to know about a person's integrity, maturity, heart and intentions through long term experiences, close sharing at different settings, and specially when facing challenges and problems. In the consistency of their actions you can gradually learn about them, how honest, real and caring they happen to be or not. Many times...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

...people could be very persuasive because of having good social and coping skills at an ego level, and be very manipulative to the point you would not realize they are not being honest, but with time, in the consistency of their words, feelings, efforts, decisions, actions, support and caring, you would see if they are genuine or fake.

Customer: Ok, so what do I do?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not truly feel you love your husband, that you are not compatible, that even if working hard there would not be enough happiness, fulfillment and wholeness in your marriage as a healthy couple sharing at multiple levels, mentally, emotionally, sexually, socially and at many more, then it would not be healthy to perpetuate it, since even marriage counseling would just make obvious all these dysfunctions and incompatibilities.

Customer: Ok, my husband and I have agreed to try and do more of our own thing to see if this helps. I just think we woll
Customer: end up living separate lives.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do suggest you to take time to know this person better, since as I explained before it is only through direct sharing in time that you could start knowing about him an dhow well you could work together, otherwise you could easily fell full passion and excitement, but never know if they are based on reality or just on your expectations and hopes because of how you feel inside and the role the other person plays.

Customer: The next problem will be how to approach ending the relationship as he lives in my house
Customer: And do I need to end my marriage before getting to know the other person better ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By being fully truthful with yourself and honest towards him. Taking full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions and setting consistent boundaries and limits from there.

Customer: Plus my husband and I have just paid for our annual holiday, I don't want to miss out on that!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think it is a good idea to stay into a marriage while getting into knowing other people, since it creates confusion, distorted attachment and extra issues that make everything harder for everybody involved. But only you have the right, need, power and responsibility to choose what you want to afford here, taking into account your concrete reality, assessing pros and cons.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then as I just said, you need to carefully assess your priorities, what you want to do, when and how, being clear about the pros and cons of each main option, and then stick to that, truly commit to work on that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can and should only control yourself, and if you do a good job taking goo care of yourself, no matter how well your husband does the same, you would be able to heal and grow, rebuilding your life in ways consistent with your individuality, core longing and needs.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just remember that you are the one who shape your own life and reality, and that if you allow or enable other people to interfere in such process, then you would have to afford the consequences. Thus please be careful and never to do something just because others, or society tells you that's the way it should be, even more when your self, and won experience through pain, have shown you better how things work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Yes I think so. So really I need to put myself first and look after myself and be strong with my choices?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you need and deserve to build a healthy, meaningful and truly fulfilling life. It is tough, but necessary, viable and absolutely worthy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. Your first need, right and responsibility in life is to take good care of yourself, by being unconditionally truthful, caring, respectful, gentle, compassionate, understanding and supportive with yourself. From there you would know how to share and develop relationship with other people, never allowing anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are the boss of your own life, become an excellent professional taking good care of yourself, never self-sabotaging; it is your life, and you deserve to enjoy it, and only you have the power to make it worthy and enjoyable, around those able and willing to respect, understand, support you, and share with you in healthy and fulfilling ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Makes sense, right?

Customer: I think from what you say I have been too soft and put his needs over mine.
Customer: Thank you for your help and advice, it has given me food for thought
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree. Most times in situations like this, which are very common, codependency plays a huge role undermining people's ability to take good care of herself, enabling what is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the direct link to my profile: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ You can contact me using this link, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer: So I need to look after myself first and put myself first and build my own life, then I guess I will be stronger in making the decision whether to end the marriage? Is that right?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, taking good care of yourself allows you to clearly assess your reality, what is compatible with it, and what is unhealthy or does not help it to be good and fulfilling.

Customer: Ok thank you. I might chat with you again, thank you,
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. I will be here to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember to rate session. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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