Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about your situation. Could you please tell me more about it?
What led you to get married in the first place then?
It takes two people to start the marriage path, and both do shape the way it evolves and grows, whether it happens to become more or less healthy, meaningful of fulfilling.
I am sorry to know you have this medical condition.
Did you marry him because you truly loves, respected and wanted to build a life together?
For how long has he been this lazy, non-supportive and selfish?
I see, that's very sad, but a common reason for women to get into marriages, and most times it just do not work well
I see, that's very sad.
Then what are good reasons for you to have been into this dysfunctional and non-fulfilling marriage for this long?
You are this independent woman who has felt this unhappy for this long, and your life quality has not significantly improved but deteriorated because of this marriage, right?
All those are very common reasons for people to get married and stay married regardless the pain they suffer, but reality pushes them even more to come to terms with what is truly healthy and worthy and what is not.
The problem with marriages and relationships is that if both persons are not mature enough, have serious personal issues, an dare not truly compatible at core levels, no matter how much love one or both feel they have, it would not be a healthy but a destructive form of love, and it would not make their lives better and more fulfilled but worse and unhealthy.
No, not all relationships or marriages become bad or dysfunctional. I have to say that many are dysfunctional and unhealthy, most not truly fulfilling and some truly good, and that happens because both partners do really work together as a team, respecting understanding, supporting and taking good care of each other, with real, healthy love, empathy, affection and passion, having same core value and belief systems, needs and expectations, and obviously compatible personalities and life styles.
Not many people do work on themselves, but perpetuate personal issues, which literally shape their relationships, undermining them. So it takes both working on themselves at the personal level, and as a team to build and promote a healthy and fulfilling long term relationship.
Words and nice sharing for a few occasions could be very pleasant, but you only happen to know about a person's integrity, maturity, heart and intentions through long term experiences, close sharing at different settings, and specially when facing challenges and problems. In the consistency of their actions you can gradually learn about them, how honest, real and caring they happen to be or not. Many times...
...people could be very persuasive because of having good social and coping skills at an ego level, and be very manipulative to the point you would not realize they are not being honest, but with time, in the consistency of their words, feelings, efforts, decisions, actions, support and caring, you would see if they are genuine or fake.
If you do not truly feel you love your husband, that you are not compatible, that even if working hard there would not be enough happiness, fulfillment and wholeness in your marriage as a healthy couple sharing at multiple levels, mentally, emotionally, sexually, socially and at many more, then it would not be healthy to perpetuate it, since even marriage counseling would just make obvious all these dysfunctions and incompatibilities.
I do suggest you to take time to know this person better, since as I explained before it is only through direct sharing in time that you could start knowing about him an dhow well you could work together, otherwise you could easily fell full passion and excitement, but never know if they are based on reality or just on your expectations and hopes because of how you feel inside and the role the other person plays.
By being fully truthful with yourself and honest towards him. Taking full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions and setting consistent boundaries and limits from there.
I do not think it is a good idea to stay into a marriage while getting into knowing other people, since it creates confusion, distorted attachment and extra issues that make everything harder for everybody involved. But only you have the right, need, power and responsibility to choose what you want to afford here, taking into account your concrete reality, assessing pros and cons.
Then as I just said, you need to carefully assess your priorities, what you want to do, when and how, being clear about the pros and cons of each main option, and then stick to that, truly commit to work on that.
You can and should only control yourself, and if you do a good job taking goo care of yourself, no matter how well your husband does the same, you would be able to heal and grow, rebuilding your life in ways consistent with your individuality, core longing and needs.
Just remember that you are the one who shape your own life and reality, and that if you allow or enable other people to interfere in such process, then you would have to afford the consequences. Thus please be careful and never to do something just because others, or society tells you that's the way it should be, even more when your self, and won experience through pain, have shown you better how things work.
Does it make sense?
I believe you need and deserve to build a healthy, meaningful and truly fulfilling life. It is tough, but necessary, viable and absolutely worthy.
Absolutely. Your first need, right and responsibility in life is to take good care of yourself, by being unconditionally truthful, caring, respectful, gentle, compassionate, understanding and supportive with yourself. From there you would know how to share and develop relationship with other people, never allowing anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you.
You are the boss of your own life, become an excellent professional taking good care of yourself, never self-sabotaging; it is your life, and you deserve to enjoy it, and only you have the power to make it worthy and enjoyable, around those able and willing to respect, understand, support you, and share with you in healthy and fulfilling ways.
Makes sense, right?
I agree. Most times in situations like this, which are very common, codependency plays a huge role undermining people's ability to take good care of herself, enabling what is unhealthy and dysfunctional.
You're very welcome.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
This is the direct link to my profile: http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ You can contact me using this link, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.
Right, taking good care of yourself allows you to clearly assess your reality, what is compatible with it, and what is unhealthy or does not help it to be good and fulfilling.
You're welcome. I will be here to support you.
Please remember to rate session. Thanks.