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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi ya, I am afraid that this gets worse by the day, following

Resolved Question:

Hi ya,
I am afraid that this gets worse by the day, following on from the last conversation with you. As I may have mentioned my girlfriend has been going through the menopause and has had a hysterectomy, I gave her valentine cards writing what you suggested in one of them. The others content was just the normal loving stuff. I asked her if she had read the card on the way in to work that morning and she said that she had a lot to take in.
I then suggested that I move out for a while to give her space, all done via text. At the moment she is saying that she doesnt know her own mind but it appears that I cant do right for doing wrong. I have been very calm in responding to her but am frustrated at her lack of committment to this. I have moved away from my son to give her breathing space but I dont want her to lose the momentum. I really do love her and want her in my life but she needs to get help with this but from past experience she will just box me up and put me in the corner pending disposal..
I have been out of sight since friday 14th a valentine day to forget...
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question.

Dear XXXXX :

When a woman goes through menopause their bodies go through a lot of changes.

Dear XXXXX :

She also had a hysterectomy and that is a lot to go through. She has many emotions she is experiencing that is even confusing to her. It will take time for her to understand these emotions and what she really needs is understanding and support.

Dear XXXXX :

I know that it seems that she needs space to think things through, but what she really needs is someone to understand what she is going through.

Dear XXXXX :

I want you to contact her and try to set up a time and a place where you both can just talk.

Dear XXXXX :

Some times changes in life effect relationships, but you need to remind her of the very first time you fell in love. Things like old pictures and memories of all those special moments you shared.

Dear XXXXX :

It also helps to recreate your very first date and reminisce about that night or day that you first began to fall in love. Life some times gets in the way when it comes to focusing on each other.

Dear XXXXX :

When two people first meet it is exciting, new and you want to learn everything about the person. You also want to impress them. But as time goes by life events happen and you get into routines.

Dear XXXXX :

The reason why is in life everyone has obligations, work, running a household, there is a lot that happens in life.

Dear XXXXX :

But there has to be some times made for each other.

Dear XXXXX :

Time has to be put aside to reconnect the love you once had for each other.

Dear XXXXX :

You mentioned you moved out and I feel that you should take the steps to try to move back in. People often need the person they push away because they are looking for them to understand. It is not that they need that space.

Customer:

Hi Debra,

Customer:

Have you seen my previous question

Dear XXXXX :

No I have not

Customer:

I have been trying desparately to help her in this but an being seen as a villian in this. She refers it to constantly poking her with a stick but its the desparation showing through I cant see her moving on this or getting help.

Customer:

can you see my first question or shall I attach it

Customer:

its not a problem

Customer:

I am actually agreeing with you on the support side, I feel that with what she is going through no one else will ever give her the support that I can and am prepared to give.

Dear XXXXX :

Very true, I feel she really needs you right now. You would be the one that understands what she is going through because you went through it with her.

Dear XXXXX :

You were their through so much.

Dear XXXXX :

She just does not know what to do because she is going through a lot in her life. She no longer feels the same and she does not know how to adjust to how she now feels.

Customer:

the problem is that I am unable to get my point across to her she doesnt accept that she has a problem only that she is in this condition

Customer:

I am no angel but I have been really tested with her

Customer:

we dont get on and it seems that I can do no right and she sees that I am trying but sees me getting it so so wrong

Dear XXXXX :

Here is what I want you to try. I want you to not point out any problems and try to see if you both can reconnect. Some times people need an escape from their problems. She feels like everything is wrong because she is not understanding her emotions right now.

Dear XXXXX :

She needs a break to not think of anything. You and her need to have a nice evening together, maybe dinner and just talk about things that brought you together.

Dear XXXXX :

She needs time to understand those emotions and changes she has gone through.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel that she knows she is experience all these emotions and that she is having problems, but I feel she is not ready to face these problems. I think she just wants that time to think, but she also needs you there for support.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel you should set up a time for you both to just have that special time together to reconnect your love for each other.

Customer:

I did work a lot of overtime to pay off my debts and the bills and spend time at work providing which is where she gets the neglect from

Customer:

but it was work and the money paid for the holidays and other stuff

Customer:

she told me that she has suffered 11yrs of neglect which is about the age of our son and she did have baby blues in the first year.

Customer:

apparantly when she was younger her mum had to work and placed her with friends so that she could work so am wondering if this is the basis for her neglect accusation. If it is she seems to have a problem with both of us

Customer:

She herself has major debts and is paying them off now.. so I would have thought she may have understood better but she seems to spend and spend putting it on the cards.7

Dear XXXXX :

Childhood plays a huge roll in how people are as adults.

Dear XXXXX :

It seems that you working overtime might have triggered the past and how she felt as a child.

Dear XXXXX :

You mentioned the baby blue and that is very tough to get through and it takes time to understand those emotions.

Dear XXXXX :

You were trying to do a good thing by trying to make your life easier by getting out of debt, but she looked at is you weren't paying attention too her. This is why it is important now to make the time, you both have a chance to make this right, to fix the past by being there now.

Dear XXXXX :

Even though she has debt all she saw was that you were not there for her. But now she needs to forget the past and reconnect this relationship now.

Dear XXXXX :

You both have this opportunity to reconnect all over again and fall even deeper in love with each other. You want to look at a relationship as like you just started dating. It is time to impress her, show her that yo are there for her and always will be.

Customer:

I have been trying maybe too much its a difficult time for us both but Ive been getting nothing back but knock backs. I do so want to be deeper in love with her but more so for her to me.. thats the problem. I really do understand what your saying but trying to get her to see it is a different thing altogether..

Customer:

Im off to my hotel so will be offline..thank you for you help it is reassuring.

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