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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Co Worker acting oddly ???

Customer Question

Hi I need advice on the following, I work with a guy who is 10 years younger than me and we have become best mates at work, always having a laugh, doing projects togeather, wanting to work on same things, he has gf me bf... But recently it's like it has changed, he has started to stare at me more, looks jealous if I flirt with other guys and recently we argue lot n he don't talk at all n looks so upset, but as soon as I start talking he goes back to his old happy self, he keeps sitting real close too, my question is I guess do u think he fancys me as he has been asked before n said yeah but if I was 10 yrs younger but he really hates us arguing like really bothers him but never talks bout us as in when we argue etc he clams up but always says am his mate n we will never fall out never I'll always be his best mate, do u think he likes me just as friend n being nice or more????
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear Debra :

Thank you for your question.

Dear Debra :

It sounds like he is jealous because he wants your full attention all the time.

Dear Debra :

I feel like he does not want you to get close to anyone else because he likes spending time with you.

Dear Debra :

He doesn't want you to for another friendship with someone else and he gets ignored. He knows what you both have is very special and he does not want to lose you. Do I see him as looking at you as more than a friend. It does sound like he is very interested by what he says.

Dear Debra :

Saying you will always be best mates.

Dear Debra :

He is letting you know that he wants you in his life forever and nothing will ever come between you and him.

Dear Debra :

He gets jealous because he can not help how he feels about you. If you are flirting with someone he can not control his emotions, so he reacts by just not talking until you begin to talk too him.

Dear Debra :

You both have created a strong friendship together and I feel he does not anyone to get in the way of that.

Dear Debra :

If you are talking with someone else then he feels that is time you and him do not get to spend together. He also might think that you both are developing more than a friendship together as well.

Dear Debra :

I do think he fancys you and enjoys the connection you have together. I feel like he is comfortable with you and can be himself.

Dear Debra :

He started staring at you more because he is seeing you in a different way because I feel his feelings are developing for you more.

Dear Debra :

You work together often and this has created a bond. It is a bond where you both trust each other, you work well together, and you have a lot of fun, and are able to be yourselves.

Dear Debra :

I think the friendship too him has developed into something more. You asked me if you felt he was being nice. I do think he is being nice because he really has feelings for you.

Dear Debra :

Just him saying you both will always be best mates is a true sign there is more. He is telling you he wants you in his life forever.

Customer : We are working elsewhere on Tuesday n it finishes at 2 in the afternoon he said go for drink after then hesitates then says yes, I feel such strong tension but he says bout my age a lot as am 11 years older but asks when I got with my bf who 8 years younger did I cheat with ex or just got with him odd question to adk
Dear Debra :

The questions he is asking is him hinting to see if there could be a relationship with you. That is very interesting questions to be asking you. He is mentioning age to see if you are ok with him being 11 years older. he is trying to see if that bothers you and if he has a chance.

Dear Debra :

The more questions he ask about your past and about you is because he is interested.

Dear Debra :

He wants to see if he has a chance to form a relationship.

Dear Debra :

This is what you wrote on the other question: Customer : Hi thanks for answers but he 11 years younger not older n he did say he too immature to go out with older girl in his opinion n said very serious but said IDE have fun but just he is nice guy n don't want to hurt his gf, but he also asking bout another guy at my work as people say he likes me n I do him, as we all going on night out I said I don't fancy him n he goes woukd u sneak off with him to hotel I said no y he goes just thought u would

Dear Debra :

It sounds too me that he is trying to see if you like the other guy.

Dear Debra :

He wants to know if you are interested in the other guy and if you would cheat. It sounds like he likes you and wants more information on what your actions would be so he doesn't get embarrassed if he asked you out and he rejected him.

Dear Debra :

So he is going to start talking about the other guy to see your responses.

Customer : Today he was confiding in me bout his gf saying not going well but really loves her n nearly crying now vonfused
Customer : To add on he was very upset as him n his gf are bad at the moment and he was saying how much he loves her and half wants to be with her half don't and the fact that he is really down after 3 years could be losing her n seemed genuine, he said never date anyone from work not professional so now very confused but he said I am only person he trusts enough n wants to confide in he has no one else to talk too bout it, what do u think??
Dear Debra :

He is telling you about his girlfriend because I feel he is very confused about his emotions right now.

Dear Debra :

I feel he has these strong feelings for you and I think it is playing a part in how he feels about his girlfriend.

Dear Debra :

This can happen when you begin to create a friendship and a bond with each other. You often go home to the per on you love wondering what it would be like if you were with someone else. These are normal thoughts when you find yourself attracted to someone else. But before people move on from a relationship they have to picture their life without the one they love because they might not every be able to get them back.

Dear Debra :

Right now he does not know what to do so he is confiding in you to see what your opinion is going to be if you tell him to stay. He could be trying to see how you would react to see if he has a chance with you as well.

Customer : You see am confused too as everyone around me says obvious he likes you but sometimes he flirts very openly other times he doesn't n gets annoyed if I act rude or flirty, but he always wants to be around me n do everything togeather at work n looks jealous when I flirt with other guys n again others say they notice this, but then he will say oh go for that lad I'll high five u it's weird, that makes me think am in friend zone n then says sister to me, but most times he calls me BMA which means best mate always, I just don't get him but fact he crying over his gf he must really love her. But why say these things then be another way towards me?? Also he use to text me lot n ask why he don't know he said don't want to upset his gf, do u think she thought something going on??? Please let me know ur views
Customer : To add on his gf trying to push him to move in with her n threading to join army if don't n he says only girl loved n sometimes hates her but don't want her to be with anyone else surely he would not tell me this if thought more if me but other stuff then makes me think likes me
Dear Debra :

It sounds like the girlfriend is jealous of you and must have thought he had feelings for you. He also might have told he that he had feelings for you.

Dear Debra :

It sounds like she is looking for more in the relationship and he is not willing to commit just yet. It could be many reason and he might be torn on wether he wants to spend his life with her. He sounds very confused about everything when it comes to his girlfriend.

Dear Debra :

The reason why he says things like best friends is because he is trying to convince himself that is all he feels for you like a sister. But he knows deep down there is something more, but he is trying to think another way.

Dear Debra :

He has many signs that he has feelings for you, even talking too you about his girlfriend is a sign. That is very common that a person goes to someone they have feelings for and talk about problems with their relationships.

Customer : The thing is he said never cried over her before n has took her to see his family abroad n don't want to lose her but she upset his mum n his mum not keen on her etc I said try n make work he goes I want too but not ready to move out, but prior to this he says lot bout my age like blimey 10 years older at n keeps saying it lot, then will say would not go out with older woman which makes me think I know he really likes me as a friend lot n don't want to hurt feelings but don't know if he sees me like that as does say type of girl likes mega thin lol but he encouraging me to keep my fitness up as started gym etc n he being very supportive. But just the flirting I mean few weeks back he actually had split with his gf n same night went out n kissed someone else,. But around that time I noticed looking back he tryed to touch my hand at work n leg I moved away n was very toward me, but he never talks about us like that n then changes n telling me to go for other men at work for fun etc I don't get it
Customer : To quickly add on don't people more so men confide in friends more than love interests or am I wrong here?? But he not one to show feelings at all can tell kinda guy he is n fact he told me I said shocked n he goes I have no one else I can tell
Dear Debra :

It is very common for men to confide in their love interests.

Dear Debra :

Men often talk differently to men when they are confiding in a women.

Dear Debra :

He is pouring out his feelings because he is trying to see how you feel about him being with his girlfriend. You mentioned they did break up before.

Dear Debra :

It sounds like the relationship is a little rocky right now. I think there is too much pressure for him to move in and it might just end the relationship. Some times people put too much pressure on someone they love thinking that they will do what they want, but it often back fires because people like to not be pressured into doing something they do not want to.

Dear Debra :

If someone is not ready to move in with someone and they do, they will be unhappy because they were forced. It is best for him to decide what he wants to do.

Dear Debra :

Love is not about pressuring someone it is just about wanting to spend the rest of your life with them. If you are willing to break up with someone because they will not move in, then you lost them. This is not how you love someone. In order for someone to be happy they need to be able to make up their own mind.

Dear Debra :

Moving into with someone should come natural.

Dear Debra :

It should never be forced.

Dear Debra :

I see signs that he is interested in you because when someone loves someone that is the person they go to when things in their life are wrong and confusing. It is because he trust you and knows you are their for him.

Customer : But why say sister n get annoyed when people talk bout us I don't get that
Customer : Guess wonder where things go as I am with someone I love very much but this guy gets my desires going n I feel very attracted to him, on Tuesday we got paired up to visit a different work site but he said go for drink after as probably finish mid afternoon surely if just saw me as work colleague would not suggest that?? But I know he wary mixing pleasure with work as he mentions it a lot n asked how I got with my bf as met him at my work, he longer works there though
Customer : Hi r u able to answer last question please??
Customer : Hi
Dear Debra :

Hello I was just reading your response.

Customer : To add on today he saying more to say bout his gf that he tell me tomorrow but another guy coming with us which bit annoying but I said do u still want drink after he goes yeah nip for one
Customer : It's ok no worrys
Dear Debra :

He seems to be still having trouble with his girlfriend. I would like to talk about the person you are currently with and love very much. Some times when relationship progress they get into a routine and things are not as exciting as they use to be. When you first start dating things are exciting new and you are learning about the person. You are trying to impress each other. But then things in life get in the way. Then life becomes routine. It is common to be attracted to someone else and find them desirable. That is a natural instinct. But you also want to think about how you feel about the person you are in love with as well. You want to wake up tomorrow mourning and picture the person you are currently with no longer in your life. This helps in understanding your feelings. I do feel like this person is very interested in you, but is nervous about doing anything.

Dear Debra :

I think it is because he feels you are with someone and he is not sure how you feel.

Customer : Also guy coming is guy he thinks I like as he keeps saying to other guy I want him on night out which do but as friend like trying to push me on him in way
Dear Debra :

That is only to see if you like hm.

Dear Debra :

*him.

Customer : Think that's kinda it I do love my bf very very much but yes it's routine n same thing n nice someone especially younger paying attention to me etc n guess exciting but I too am unsure as I kinda want to kiss other guy but then think it would never b realtionship just fling but unsure but I feel it sounds alful if he don't know won't hurt n hate saying that as he means world to me n think u right guy wary as he still has gf I have bf n don't want to ruin my realtionship but does like me, do u think he would try anything tomorrow at the pub??
Customer : R u sure not because he he don't like me so pushes me on him?? But did notice he looked gutted when he knew he was coming too
Dear Debra :

I think he was disappointed he was coming.

Customer : Still don't get y he looks annoyed n red though when people talk about us
Dear Debra :

But I also think he pushes you on him to see what you will say.

Dear Debra :

I feel like he wants you to himself.

Dear Debra :

ou both are in relationships so it is hard to really know what each other is feeling.

Customer : When he hadn't work on section long last year we went out n I got very drunk n then he kinda knocked me back saying got gf ur like sister but that was bout 7 months ago n he got more toward me
Dear Debra :

At the time he pushed you away because he had a girlfriend, but now their is trouble in the relationship.

Dear Debra :

Things most likely changed.

Customer : I can tell different with me now asks questions bout type of men I like giving me advice on clothes etc asking if IDE cheat quite diff but guess am confused as I know I love my bf so much but there is something with him that's gone on along time n I know he feels it to but won't admit it n thnk h worried bout our situation as we work together n have partnersr
Dear Debra :

Some times relationships need to reconnect and one way of doing that is to recreate that first date with each other.

Dear Debra :

Life has so many responsibilities and those get in the way on focusing on each other.

Dear Debra :

When you become attracted to someone else it is new exciting and there are so many emotions on how you feel. There is no responsibility because you both see each other at work, it fun and exciting.

Dear Debra :

When you go home you go howe to a routine. But people can change that by creating that spark again.

Dear Debra :

Having a romantic dinner together and talking about memories you both shared. You can also pull out old photos of all the memories you both shared.

Dear Debra :

You want to create the relationship you are in now just like you first started dating.

Dear Debra :

The guy at work is a challenge too you and he is fun, you both get along really good.

Dear Debra :

It is very easy to be interested in someone that thinks the world of you and sounds like he is interested as well. I think it is affecting his current relationship because he is torn on his feelings for you.

Customer : Hi sorry for yesterday it took me offline and couldn't get back on hope your ok??
Customer : Ok so today we went to do training at other site, he seemed ok today but went football last night n said he in lot pain on leg generally we all had good time then whilst having lunch got onto subject off drink after, he said to other guy ur welcome to join us if u like but other guy said was ok he then went outside for cigarette whilst we finished lunch n my guy goes leg really hurting after this gonna rest, I said don't u want to for drink he said I swear no other reason don't want to go but just don't feel very well if honest, n we r out in couple weeks all of us, so fair enough I said just odd he suggested n asked other guy then seems suddenly went like that, what do u think?? He always like that when we are alone togeather goes weird I feel he really likes me as person n friend but that it as another opportunity but no, but him n his gf not as bad as were he said
Customer : Hi hope ur ok?
Customer : Hi
Customer : Can u see what I typed??
Customer : Hi r u there??
Customer : Hello
Customer : Hi
Dear Debra :

I am here.

Dear Debra :

It seems like he was not feelings well and didn't feel like doing much.

Dear Debra :

I do not think it has anything to do with his feelings for you.

Dear Debra :

I think he was just in pain and didn't feel up to doing anything.

Customer : Hi I think my phone playing up sorry
Customer : Mmmm but y suggest go for drink when other guy there then change mind odd I thought
Dear Debra :

I think he felt bad. he didn't want to disappoint him if he wanted to go out.

Customer : Also it's odd he thinks I like other guy I reckon n seemed bit more distant but I noticed he stares lot at me still n when I saw guy I knew n chatted looked jealous but in car way home he saying well I was not worth cheating too much hassle in way to see what he say he like defo I can't be bothered y glad u understand n kinda laughed then changed subject
Customer : Do u think he thinks I don't like him like that or fact is he works with me don't want to be weird between us or feels guilty on his gf as said don't text me at all now as she getting funny bout it
Dear Debra :

I think she is jealous of you because she knows there is feelings between you to.

Customer : I guess I kinda think yep we going for drink then bang let me down think he would had gone if really said c'mon but felt he should want too really why I think he does really like me lot and don't want to hurt me but as friend, mainly down to fact I got bf n him gf n he is nice guy n don't want to hurt anyone but feel be nice to know how he truly felt
Customer : But do u think he generally fancys me or just sees me as very good friend
Dear Debra :

His girlfriend might have not wanted him to go with you to have a drink. It sounds like that is where his problem might be in his relationship I think she is jealous and it is causing a problem in the relationship.

Customer : Just when try talk bout it he very quickly changes subject but his actions make me confused
Dear Debra :

I do think he likes you. He is confused as well that is why he is all over the place because his emotions are saying so many things.

Customer : I doubt he tell her we were but he seemed wary staying out late he not said as such it's bout me but said don't text n I said us she getting funny he goes yeah n don't want to piss her off
Dear Debra :

She is defiantly jealous of you.

Dear Debra :

He might have been worried she would check on him.

Customer : Could be his age I guess but everyone at work say we like married couple I laugh it off he just goes quiet n weird, I doubt I'll ever know as I am with my bf him his gf n we work togeather, fact his actions make me wonder n he akways trying to get me to go out do stuff etc I know or think he does like me but won't cross that line
Customer : He does say she goes through his phone though but I said she only do that is suspect ur cheating he goes not but put a like on Facebook of random girl n she went mad but still loves her
Customer : I think yeah likes me then next minute no he just being super nice n friendly he said today I look very smart haha that's more friendly then fancy isn't it?
Dear Debra :

He is torn on what to do about his feelings.

Dear Debra :

The married couple comment is interesting.

Dear Debra :

That is like hinting around that he is interested.

Customer : I know I thought that too but what bout smart comment?? Just pure staring saying wow u look smart haha
Dear Debra :

Him staring at you I am sure he is thinking about his feelings for you.

Customer : But what happens now I just carry on being good friend n not make any hints etc as way his head is at mo n night out stay away?? Am confused??
Dear Debra :

You want things to remain the same, comfortable. You do not want that akward feeling when you both are together.

Dear Debra :

You want drop hints and just see what happens.

Customer : But today seemed it bit when alone unsure y think he thought I was annoyed bout drink I did say was looking forward to it but understand, I feel was excuse though still as felt uncomfortable for some reason
Dear Debra :

I think he was thinking alot

Customer : But most people expecting us to do something night out but it won't happen I know he probably go weird on me again
Customer : What guilty drinking with another girl which I understand but tomorrow he be all round me again I know that as others around
Customer : What do u think??
Customer : Just the drink thing bugging me that's all it's like he uncomfortable with me
Customer : But guess he didn't say not going for drink I said u still wana go as u look in pain n he goes well honestly not well n that is only reason I don't want to go no other
Dear Debra :

So he said it was just because he was in pain, so he had no other reason. I think if he was not in pain he would have went.

Customer : He said I swear no other reason that is reason y not going but we all out in couple weeks
Customer : So I just carry on as normal n guess be same as I don't want to lose him n he has said that many a time n calls me "BMA" still n says I akways will be
Customer : Do u think best way?? U still there??
Customer : Hi Debra u still there as logging off in min
Dear Debra :

It is very clear that he does not want to lose you from his life but it seems his girlfriend might have a problem with you contacting him.

Dear Debra :

It sounds like he is torn on what to do that is why he is always up and down on his emotions.

Customer : Hi again sorry I confided in close friend of mind who I trust, she said it could be case he generally just sees me as friend but very fond of me and knows nothing ever come of it as age difference, she said seems he likes to control when he wants to give me attention and flirt not fair on me..... I still am very confused as like she said men n women can just b friends n thinks maybe am thinking too much n he just has soft spot but not so sure.....
Customer : its odd as he calls me BMA our name but other times sister then he flirts sometimes n has touched my leg before n even my hand n shoulder etc at work, he stares n always try's to get my attention n gets jealous when I flirt with other guys, he tells people he likes me but if I was 10 yrs younger n he not with his gf, he always likes to pair up with me n feels most comfortable with me compared to my colleagues... These r some signs I think he does like me but a friend could do same guess, please I know keep asking but it's bugging me and feel I am maybe overseeing things
Dear Debra :

Men and women can be friends. There are many friendships with men and women. Friendships were two people stay friends and their is no attraction to each other. It is very common for a man and women to be friends. Special childhood friends.

Dear Debra :

It sounds like he might have a probably with the age difference, but I think he would get past that if he just let his feelings go.

Dear Debra :

He has feelings for you but is some times backing off out of fear.

Customer : Hi sorry it been a while, I thought maybe saw me a friend but Thursday was all over me, pouring me drinks constatly touching me on my shoulder bout 6 times when walking by, was staring lot n being really toward me, on my lunch break he normally goes canteen but wanted to come with me and another colleague I go with, he held basket walked with me and paid for my lunch... He said would miss me as I was off Friday but said as I am funny he always says I look smart and funny?? Unsur how to take that. Only thing I noticed other girl he sits next to like me losing weight but she is thinner and I we him checking her out quite a lot but he don't talk same way as he does to me but does show her stuff on phone sometimes but no flirting etc but guess wonder if likes her secretly but he not same no where near guess as he sits right next to her
Customer : Guess worrying he may like her bit as talks bit to her but not in same way as me they more work related or odd time bout stuff like holidays he wants to go on etc but he not like he is with me but I seen him checking her out few times but not me unless he does when am not looking

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