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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ive been in a relationship for 6 months now and tonight my

Resolved Question:

I've been in a relationship for 6 months now and tonight my boyfriend said he wants to end this relationship. My boyfriend suffers from depression and his told me a couple of times now that he wants to end it. Then I say yes that's fine but what are the reasons! The answer I get back is that " my head is messed up and all I want to do is play games on the computer., not even go out and it's not fair on you also I'm confused. Com. Before i left he said I feel so quilty that I never did any thing for your birthday or valintines day and that you do everything for me. Also in conversation I told him I want this relationship to work and I missed u, so the repley I got was " you could have not missed me because you never called or txted for two days". I replied by saying you could have.
I even got him to see a shrink and she even told me that his got personality disordered and along with other issues infact this is what his got...
Faulty Thinking?
If you consider a cycle of thinking, emotions and behaviour one influencing the other, which influences the next (and so on); one important cog in this wheel is our thoughts.



When I hear someone who talks in terms of “should”, “Must”, “Have to”, and “Got to”… I become alert to faulty thinking.
When you think in rigid, demanding ways it is a sign that your thinking may be unbalanced.
Your thinking is based on your beliefs about yourself and others. Sometimes our beliefs are not accurate or realistic and that effects our thinking… making it ‘faulty’.
•All or nothing thinking - Seeing things as being black or white with no ‘shades’ in-between.
•Over-generalisation – when we take a one off negative event as evidence of an enduring pattern. “He didn’t ring, this always happens. No one will ever love me.”
•Mental Filter – When we dwell on a single negative detail to the exclusion of everything else.
•Disqualifying the positive – We maintain negative beliefs about ourselves, by discounting positive experiences and compliments from others. “Anyone could do that, it was nothing special.”
•“Shoulds” – We place ridged and absolute demands on events, ourselves and others, not allowing for normal imperfection in ourselves, others and the world. “I should be able to do that by now”, “He should know how I feel.”
•Jumping to conclusions – drawing negative conclusions without having evidence.
•Mind reading- We believe that we know what others ‘must’ be thining. “She will think I’m stupid.”
•Predicting the future – we predict that something will happen. We discount any evidence to the contrary of ourbelief (see other thinking faults) and we predict negative, unrealistic outcomes, with no evidence: “I’m going to fail.”
•Magnifying or minimising – we exaggerate the importance of negative things (like your mistakes) and reduce the importance of positive things
•Emotional reasoning – using your feelings to inform facts. “That scares me, I’ll lose control.”
•Personalisation – we attribute responsibility unfairly, and unrealistically to ourselves or others. “It’s all my fault.”

It is likely that your thoughts will be faulty in a few different ways.
E.g. Claire has gone to her friend’s dinner party. She realises that she hasn’t said very much, but has been listening and engaged in the conversation happening around the table.
Claire thinks: I’m being quiet, they all must think that I’m and stupid, I should be saying more or I won’t be invited to any more parties.
Claire’s thinking errors: Jumping to conclusions, mind reading, Shoulds, over-generalisation and predicting the future.

We all have some errors in our thinking, however when our thinking is causing distress or holding us back from achieving things that we want to (and can) achieve, we need to challenge these thinking patterns.
Can you identify your faulty thoughts?
What was the situation?

Infact the above is from the shrink and I need to tell you that when he says he loves me I just smile and then he will say it after an hour and still I smile. Then he questions me why I'm not saying it back!!!! Please advise me because I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I do know he loves me because his always kissing me when he thinks I'm asleep and says I love you so much and that your the live of my life.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine how frustrated it could be for you to face the fact that your boyfriend wants to end your relationship this many times in this short period of time you have been dating, but only you know how painful it feels.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person develops depression and does not really commits to work on rehabilitating from it, or from anxiety, personality disorders, addiction or any other mental health problem then life could become very dysfunctional, and relationships would suffer for sure too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me what gives you hope your boyfriend would change his mind and be able and willing to truly work on his rehabilitation process and on your relationship, once he is refusing to continue an d is openly telling you he only wants to play games in the computer?

Customer: Today I phoned him and he spoke to me like nothing was said. During conversation I told him I could not sleep last night and he just replied saying "baby your worrying over nothing ghats why your up all night".
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very concerning and frustrating. How do you feel now?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His words and behaviors really seem to show how immature and unstable he could be.

Customer: When we go away on holiday his a new man and that's what I want back. We went to Rome and he kept saying it felt like we are in a movie that's how romantic you have made it. When his away from the computer his so wonderful even the family like him. When his away from the game his so romantic and I do not know what happens after a few days of us being ok.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

All the serious issues you previously mentioned would not disappear because of his irresponsible and childish ways to address things. He seems to have an addiction to computer and games, besides of depression and personality problems, otherwise he would not present these instability.

Customer: Having conversation with him as made me feel a little better and it was me who ended the call by saying I needed to go and that I will see him tomorrow night . The reply I got was ok see you then.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope he chooses to take responsibility for his feelings, choices, actions and problems, and commits to mature and rehabilitate from these core issues, otherwise I do not see how your relationship could evolve, instead of perpetuating same dysfunctional pattern.

Customer: One thing I've noticed is that he hates people even his house mates. As his always saying the annoy him in many ways. All I know is that I feel so lost with out him because his always been here for me. I got rapped two years by my ex and the person I'm with now helped me to put my ex away for 8 years has he was a witness. After a year we got into a relationship and his the one who helped to get over what happened to me.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know you suffer of this terrible trauma.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now I see why you feel this attached and grateful to him. At the same time explain why you have been having a hard time coming to terms with the fact he has serious personal issues and mental health problems he has not addressed, and unless he gets treatment, he would get worse.

Customer: Whilst In conversation last night I told him I will get another shrink for him, but he said no. Tomorrow gods will I may be able to change his thoughts about seeing different shrink .
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you could take good care of yourself and that he respects you, ends any form of manipulation, neglect or abusive behavior and commits to his rehabilitation process, since only by taking full responsibility for everything that depends on him as a real adult, he would be able to build a healthy and fulfilling life as an individual, and in relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is that OK?

Customer: Yes thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. You can contact me using this direct link to my profile , just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care, consistent action, and remember to rate session.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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