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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Help! My life has spiralled out of control. 7 years ago,

Resolved Question:

Help! My life has spiralled out of control. 7 years ago, I made the mistake of letting a man move in with me and he has now taken complete control of my life. We're absolutely destroying each other. He came into my business and completely took over. I no longer see any of my friends from before I met him, I've worked with him setting up a business that he wanted (without being paid) for the last 2 years. He says that I've ruined his life and that he won't move out (although the property is in my name and I bought it before we got together). I have a villa in Spain which he now believes is his (I bought it 7 years before I met him). I'm consoling myself with a bottle of wine (or 2) a night whilst he's out socialising. I'm at my wits end with my behaviour, as is he, but it seems that I cannot live to his exacting standards. My family have seen a massive change in me recently and they are urging me to call an end to this abusive relationship. I just feel that I've been completely 'had'.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and painful reality you have been suffering for so long.

Customer:

So am I!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This nightmare has become a real addiction where you have been self-sabotaging enabling his further abuse and control.

Customer:

I'm not sure that I want this information to be public.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is obvious that there is nothing healthy or worthy in this relationship, that you need to allow your support system -close family and friends- to support you getting necessary psychological and legal assistance for you to start your rehabilitation process away from this destructive person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want this record could get blocked from public access a the end of the chat.

Customer:

I wonder if I am the destructive person though. Everything seems to be my fault.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This feeling and belief that you experience blaming you for your reality, is a typical symptom that people suffering of chronic serious abuse develop, due to the intensity and length of the abuse

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your insight becomes undermined by the abuse you allowed and then enabled for so long, and this is why this becomes from a trauma into a dependency, a real addictive pattern of self-sabotage and destruction.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why intense psychotherapy is essential for you to rehabilitate from it, otherwise you would get worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There is hope, but it could only become a reality if you choose your life, health , integrity and well-being instead of enabling the abuse and perpetuating your self-sabotage. This is a serious mental health disorder victims of chronic abuse develop, and that's why you need all this support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Are you still with me?

Customer:

Sorry, yes I am

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is something nobody in your shoes could or should face alone, please rely on all the personal and professional support you need to start your rehabilitation process and to rebuild your life away from this abusive and destructive person.

Customer:

Maybe it's me. It's just the hypocrisy of it all. He tells me off for doing something that he himself does. I can't figure the guy out at all. It's like he's playing a psychological game with me. Even minor things are an issue. We never laugh together - his sense of humour is sarcastic and he nit picks all the time. I feel that I have to walk 10 paces behind him all the time, that he has to be the centre of attention, always has to have the last word (even if I know he's talking rubbish) and he comes out with things about people that I have never considered. He tells me that he's an expert in body language and I think he manipulates people.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe he has serious mental illnesses, including narcissistic, borderline and antisocial traits, that's why he can be this destructive in your life, and that's why anything you do while exposing yourself to him would be useless leading to further abuse and exploitation, so more pain and suffering.

Customer:

If I don't tell him what he wants to hear, then all hell lets loose! He has an opinion on absolutely everything and it's his opinion that wins all the time. I have simply given up and let him do and say what he wants. He offends me a lot of the time with personal jibes and picky nonsense. His reputation is the most important thing to him and he tells me that I've destroyed his life, his reputation and his friendships. I am the one that's looking like the bad person here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, that makes perfect sense, it clearly depicts a person with narcissist personality disorder who has got seriously abusive to the point of victimizing you this much for this long, and his power resides in your vulnerabilities, they can only abuse those who allow them, and that's why very path to a healthy and fulfilling life, and to your rehabilitation process depends on you choosing to end this victimization, this addictive process and get all the support you need without further delay.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

With professional individual and group therapy you will work on learning to respect, love, understand, support and protect yourself, to develop a good sense of self-worthiness and assertiveness, coping skills and resilience, to know hos to set clear and healthy boundaries and limits so you would never allow anybody to use or abuse you under any circumstance.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, do contact your family and close friends and get their support and assistance to get professional support for you to start your rehabilitation process, and protect from this dangerous and abusive person.

Customer:

He just wants me to love him - he tells me that I'm a cold fish, which I am and I never do anything for him, which is true. We argue all the time, but he never listens to my point - I wonder if we're talking the same language half the time! If he's wrong, then he says 'Oh, I do apologise' in a really grandiose fashion. I think he's pompous sometimes which really gets on my nerves. I say 'you just want me to be like your mother', to which his reply is 'don't you dare talk about my mother'. Which is slightly odd, in my opinion.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's very cocerning


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me provide some books titles that could help you during this process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved


http://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392134387&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Individual psychotherapy should be complemented with group therapy for your rehabilitation to have the best chances, and once group therapy ends, you should keep regular individual therapy and active participation in a support group. Otherwise relapses would undermine any effort and progress you may have achieved.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly hope you choose to start your rehabilitation process and rebuild your life without further delay, otherwise you would have to afford further pain and suffering , undermining your mental, emotional, physical, moral, financial and spiritual health and well-being, and I do not believe you need nor deserve that all all, but only you have the power to choose if you want to follow that path or not with all necessary support it requires.

Customer:

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX the book about 'why is it always about you' and I've been trying to tell myself that he's not a narcissist and that the problem lies with me and that he's a really nice person. Alarm bells rang early on in our relationship when he texted me to say that I was the best thing that had happened in his life and that he loves me more than anybody else ever. I texted him back and told him that I loved someone who was far too old for me emotionally and it had affected me. What I should have texted him was that I loved him most of all too. We had an argument over it and he wrote out in a letter what he wanted me to say - weird, or what! Yes, I've been shit scared of him for too many years now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Please take good care and consistent actions to start your rehabilitation process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Also feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ , just make sure you state "For Rafael" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Customer:

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Consider joining a local support group for codependency. Let me get the link.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

http://www.coda-uk.org/?page=all

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Take gentle care and thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now.

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