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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 417
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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I was in a relationship with my ex for 6 years. Not all of

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I was in a relationship with my ex for 6 years. Not all of it happy. The last 2 years he'd been out of work and was depressed. The last year particularly had been tough. We were drifting on and off and many times I told him it wasn't going to work. He did during this time ask me to marry him, I said def not especially as he was not working. In October he got a job and I said it would be baby steps getting back on track but things were starting to thaw. He then became a bit elusive, being vague about meeting up etc. I wondered if he'd met someone, this was in November. His daughter told me he had. It was a woman 18 years younger and foreign and also homeless, ie hadn't got anywhere to stay.( he is 52 btw ). I flipped when I heard this and have sent him many angry emails and then afterwards apologised. I realise I maybe shouldn't have. I've met him once since to talk about it.


We were to meet for a coffee but ended up spending the next 9 hours together in a bar and drinking. He said he still felt the same about me but he has moved on now and happy. I'm devastated particularly as I have an operation tomorrow which I'm worried about and he hasn't even texted me or rung or anything. Stupid question maybe.. Will this situation ever change do you think ? He says it's all stressing him out and he can't sleep properly, but otherwise has not given me any indication he gives a fig. He's giving up my daughter to who he loves and her children. Update :On the day of the operation I received one curt text wishing me good luck and that's it. I have begged him via an email to reconsider giving us a fresh start and he didn't even reply. He adored my granddaughter who is 12 now and my daughter. My daughter also texted him telling how she wishes he'd see sense and nothing. Is there any hope for me/him at all ? What do you think? I'm giving up now :( Thanks x

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It honestly doesn't sound very promising. The question you must ask yourself is do you really want him if you must constantly beg and pursue him.

I am not saying totally give it up. That is your choice. I am saying totally back off and make no moves until he moves first. Make him pursue you if he desires a relationship. At that point you can make that decision. I would not wait on him though. Move on with your life. If it is meant to be and be is willing, it will happen. For your own sake do not force it.

Does that make sense to you? I really do want to be a help. Let me know if you have any further questions.

Thank you

John
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok thanks
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I don't mean to be rude, but that wasn't very helpful.
6 years this has gone on and he moves someone imediately in and I'm to just forget about it. Inot only that but a foreigner with nowhere to live. I realise obviously I have no way of changing things, but not much insight here.
Perhaps it was the way I posed the question.

Regards
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
It may be that I didnt read what your emotions well enough. I really mean that and I apologize. You are obviously are hurting and I simply answered the question. That is unlike me.

You are in pain and that is understandable. You have just lost a big part of your life. I often tell people going through break ups and divorce is very similar to grieving a death. In some ways it is more difficult and complicated, because this involves a choice.

There are several stages to grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. You have already experienced to a degree the first three stages almost simultaneously. You first denied to yourself at least partially that the relationship was over. You have obviously experienced an element of anger. Now you mention begging him ton come back.

The last stage before acceptance is depression. It is in this stage that you come to grips with the reality of your break up. It is ok to hurt. It is ok to cry and feel the pain. I know this stage hurts, but you must work through it to find acceptance which is the goal of grief. Don't rush yourself through it. Honestly you probably shouldn't rush into another relationship until you have fully processed your loss.

I apologize once again for my insensitivity. If you have more concerns please express them. I want to be a help to you.

Blessings...
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I didn't expect you to say anything like don't worry he'll be back but we did spend 6 years together and he has within a week or so moved a young foreign homeless person in. Thought there might have been some rebound remarks possibly. Not that I want to put words in your mouth. I realise I'm grieving and it's terrible. I've also just had an op too. But I can't say hey ho at the moment.

Regards
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
I honestly don't recommend pushing rebound. I am not stating this lightly. You need to take time to grieve your loss. You can move into another relationship as soon as you feel ready. I simply recommend you give yourself time to process this loss. I mean, do go ahead with your life. Enjoy yourself and your friends and such. Do thank time to grieve though as well. Remember the good times and bad. Process the memories as you would any other loss. If you rush into another relationship without properly closing this one out, your next relationship could suffer consequently. I hope that makes sense to you. Please let me know if you have further questions and I will do my best to respond accordingly.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Rebound as in that's what the woman he's moved in is I meant. Not me obviously.
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
I would call it more of second childhood than a rebound. From what I am hearing though he has never been very mature. This seems to be totally in tune. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. I wish I had a magic cure for you. This is not your fault, but you are going to hurt because if it. I would figure this relationship so t last long, but it is his choice for now. I hope you find comfort in the midst of all this.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 417
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC

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