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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5313
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Me and my husband have been together 8 years and married 2years.

Resolved Question:

Me and my husband have been together 8 years and married 2years. We have 4 children.
We had a good sexlife and we were very close. For the past year or so my husband has been having problems with premature ejaculation, at first i never said anything as didnt want to upset him but after about 6 months i spoke to him about it and we both tried differrent meythods to controll it which none worked. He keept promiseing he would see a doctor to see if they could help but never has.
The problem is now for the last couple of months things of got worse
Its like he only wants me to get his realease and thats it. Ive tried spiceing things up by dressing up for himeven tho ive put on 12lbs and he knows how i feel about that ,i still tried and last week i had the stockings and everything on and he just laid there with his eyes shut life less and he went soft.
I told him how awlful i felt and that it was like he was thinking of someone eles even tho he said he wasnt.

4 days ago i was on his phone as he had mine and i was looking at his history feed on the internet and i could belive that he had been watching and searching porn quite alot every time i was out.
I asked him about it and first he denied it and said it was all in my head.
Then 2 days ago he confessed(because i went on) he said it was to see if he could get any tips from it at first and then finally said it was to pleasure himself.
I feel to let down,hurt,betrayed very unatractive, fat, ugly and absoulutly useless.
I havent stopped crying i cant bear to look at myself in the mirror. If i was slimmer like i used to be and looked like the girls he had been watching maybe i would have been able to satisfie him and he wouldnt need to watch other girls. I feel such a fool for getting dressed up for him he was obviousely think of the girls when he closed his eyes and then saw me and lost his erection.
I dont want him to look at me or touch mr i cant bear to look at myself.
I dont know what to do. How can i stop feeling like this?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.


Type a hello when you join the chat and we'll get started, okay?

Customer:

Hello

Dr. Mark :

Hi.

Dr. Mark :

I can imagine how hurtful this is for you.

Dr. Mark :

I can't tell you how often, though, I have had people here online and even in my office in couples therapy,

Dr. Mark :

who have gone through this cycle.

Dr. Mark :

And almost always,

Dr. Mark :

the man starting to pleasure himself through porn is not a rejection of his wife,

Dr. Mark :

but a response to his own feeling less than a man.

Dr. Mark :

I would think this is what has happened to your husband.

Dr. Mark :

And this sense of loss of his real manhood (being able to give pleasure to a real person who he loves)

Dr. Mark :

has led him to hope that maybe if he masturbates to porn, it will somehow get him to perform in "real" life.

Dr. Mark :

And then it becomes a habit.

Dr. Mark :

So, my hope is that what I've written to you will open for you a sense of hope. Okay?

Dr. Mark :

Because he needs to get treatment.

Dr. Mark :

And if YOU are feeling hopeless, he will continue to slide into even greater hopelessness, okay?

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX understand all of that.

Customer:

I just have tried to help and not blame him,if anything ive put all the blame on me

Dr. Mark :

Right, this is also what I want you NOT to do.

Dr. Mark :

the blame is not yours.

Dr. Mark :

You did not create the PE, it's not because of you.

Dr. Mark :

It's because of his stress, lack of exercise, aging, etc.

Dr. Mark :

There are so many good treatment options today.

Dr. Mark :

The blame is his letting it become an EMOTIONAL issue for him

Dr. Mark :

and thus his being embarrassed to tell the doctor and get treatment!!

Customer:

I dont want to feel like this but i cant help it, im trying my best not to show it to him and wont let him see me cry.

Dr. Mark :

Well, I would like you to have him read our discussion.

Dr. Mark :

It's anonymous.

Dr. Mark :

there is no way for me to know who he is.

Dr. Mark :

And yet, I've heard similar situations so often and he needs to know that he is making the situation

Dr. Mark :

stay this way when he can easily make it better.

Dr. Mark :

There are medications like PDE-5 inhibitors, Viagra and Cialis.

Dr. Mark :

They have helped millions. Cialis now has a daily pill so that you two don't have to plan sex in advance and have him take the medication beforehand.

Customer:

I love him more than anything but im so scared we wont be able to get back what we had before, how do i stop myself feeling like this? All i can see is the girls in the porn. And i feel physically sick at the sight of myself.

Dr. Mark :

Many people get help by taking low doses of certain classes of antidepressants, which slow down the blood to the penis.

Dr. Mark :

You will feel better if you and he are united in working on this.

Dr. Mark :

Reread that, okay?

Dr. Mark :

You will feel better about him and yourself if the two of you work on this together.

Dr. Mark :

Agreed?

Customer:

I want to get help but dont know how or where?

Customer:

Sorry yes it would be better if we worked on this togethet. But what happens if it takes me time to like myself again, im worried that if he wont wait and watch it again. Cause if he did i dont think i could cope with it again, as i feel at rock bottom now.

Customer:

Would therapy as couple help us at all as well?

Dr. Mark :

Yes.


I would prefer, though, that you seek a psychologist or psychotherapist who is certified as a sex therapist as well. Here is the UK organization's therapist directory:


http://www.cosrt.org.uk/find_therapist.asp


Ask the therapist if he or she is experienced with PE and interview the therapist to make sure you feel confident in him/her.

Dr. Mark :

But, please also review what I wrote above about medications that can help today.

Dr. Mark :

Do you think you could have him read my answers to you together and the two of you become more hopeful together that you can beat this problem?

Customer:

I think the medications you have talked about would help alot and i really do want him to get help fom his gp. I would even govwith him.

Dr. Mark :

Hooray for you!

Customer:

And yes im going to get him to read this with me.

Dr. Mark :

It says you're typing, so I'll wait.

Dr. Mark :

Double hooray for you!

Customer:

I will do whatever it takes so we can both stop feeling like this.

Customer:

Thank you so so much for help

Dr. Mark :

You are so welcome. And remember: this is not because of you or your not being good enough or not attractive. NOT at all. It's about his being depressed at not being able to give you pleasure like he wants to and not feeling manly. So, if the two of you are united in this venture, you will have a great sex life again.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me. If the answer has been helpful, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark :

Hi. If you could give a rating before leaving the chat, I would be most grateful.

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5313
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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