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Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
Type a hello when you join the chat and we'll get started, okay?
I can imagine how hurtful this is for you.
I can't tell you how often, though, I have had people here online and even in my office in couples therapy,
who have gone through this cycle.
And almost always,
the man starting to pleasure himself through porn is not a rejection of his wife,
but a response to his own feeling less than a man.
I would think this is what has happened to your husband.
And this sense of loss of his real manhood (being able to give pleasure to a real person who he loves)
has led him to hope that maybe if he masturbates to porn, it will somehow get him to perform in "real" life.
And then it becomes a habit.
So, my hope is that what I've written to you will open for you a sense of hope. Okay?
Because he needs to get treatment.
And if YOU are feeling hopeless, he will continue to slide into even greater hopelessness, okay?
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX understand all of that.
I just have tried to help and not blame him,if anything ive put all the blame on me
Right, this is also what I want you NOT to do.
the blame is not yours.
You did not create the PE, it's not because of you.
It's because of his stress, lack of exercise, aging, etc.
There are so many good treatment options today.
The blame is his letting it become an EMOTIONAL issue for him
and thus his being embarrassed to tell the doctor and get treatment!!
I dont want to feel like this but i cant help it, im trying my best not to show it to him and wont let him see me cry.
Well, I would like you to have him read our discussion.
there is no way for me to know who he is.
And yet, I've heard similar situations so often and he needs to know that he is making the situation
stay this way when he can easily make it better.
There are medications like PDE-5 inhibitors, Viagra and Cialis.
They have helped millions. Cialis now has a daily pill so that you two don't have to plan sex in advance and have him take the medication beforehand.
I love him more than anything but im so scared we wont be able to get back what we had before, how do i stop myself feeling like this? All i can see is the girls in the porn. And i feel physically sick at the sight of myself.
Many people get help by taking low doses of certain classes of antidepressants, which slow down the blood to the penis.
You will feel better if you and he are united in working on this.
Reread that, okay?
You will feel better about him and yourself if the two of you work on this together.
I want to get help but dont know how or where?
Sorry yes it would be better if we worked on this togethet. But what happens if it takes me time to like myself again, im worried that if he wont wait and watch it again. Cause if he did i dont think i could cope with it again, as i feel at rock bottom now.
Would therapy as couple help us at all as well?
I would prefer, though, that you seek a psychologist or psychotherapist who is certified as a sex therapist as well. Here is the UK organization's therapist directory:
Ask the therapist if he or she is experienced with PE and interview the therapist to make sure you feel confident in him/her.
But, please also review what I wrote above about medications that can help today.
Do you think you could have him read my answers to you together and the two of you become more hopeful together that you can beat this problem?
I think the medications you have talked about would help alot and i really do want him to get help fom his gp. I would even govwith him.
Hooray for you!
And yes im going to get him to read this with me.
It says you're typing, so I'll wait.
Double hooray for you!
I will do whatever it takes so we can both stop feeling like this.
Thank you so so much for help
You are so welcome. And remember: this is not because of you or your not being good enough or not attractive. NOT at all. It's about his being depressed at not being able to give you pleasure like he wants to and not feeling manly. So, if the two of you are united in this venture, you will have a great sex life again.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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