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hello.im 51 year old women ive been in a relationship with a lovely guy for 8yrs now.i had a horrific car crash last may and my boyfriend ended the relationship in august,i have barely made it through without him.however he as text me regularly and popped over to see me.i enrolled in a personal trainer course,last oct,it started in january this year,and my ex enrolled as well.h collected me and dropped me off each day of the course.he was my best friend and we never didnt get on.but it has been killing me doing this course with him.i failed the anatomy side because i was sooo emotional at the time,he has text me every day and came over all last week to do course work with me.yesterday was the last day and of course i was emotional as i cant understand how two people can get on so well yet not be together.also since august,he never said he loved me anymore on his texts yet on valentines day he text very early sayinghappy valentines and i love you! this was a shock to me...he even text me after the course yesterday saying ;i love you loads. i feel today though that its all over,i havnt heard from him today....i have no idea what is going on between us,i just no im madly in love with someone who ive had loads of ups and downs with,i believe he loves me,hes not the type who ever says those words..im just at the end of everything now,im trying to get well,but my heart is totally broken i dnt know where i stand or what to do,i decided today not to text as i need to protect myself,im so broken,where usually im very up togetyher person...im dying without him and have no idea where to proceed.i fear hes met someone else,but has denied he has,he also wouldnt be texting me and saying i love you if he was with another women,he would ignore my calls.he always replys immediately and always takes my calls or will call me...today has been quiet though..is it possible he just wanted the course out the way,to then be done with us,how cruel that would be,and hes not cruel person,i really dnt know what chance there is for us or what to do.i cannot make sense of anything and feel like death lease help or enlighten me i really cant cope anymore.ali
Thank you for replying. Let me read it.
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
The story you describe here is very sad and frustrating since it shows how your partner/boyfriend of so many years just chose to end the relationship that fast without allowing even a proper ending, but has also been pushing you this much by keeping you this close all this time
Could you please confirm that he has not given you any good, clear and acceptable reason to end your 8 year log relationship?
I can see how you state that he is a very nice person, bu at the same time the way he ended the relationship. leaving you when you were the most vulnerable, and knowing that he has engaged in keeping you this attached with his behaviors, do not show he is really taking into account your feelings and well-being, but wounding you even more.
I have no idea what could have led this person to leave you the way he did, what was obviously traumatic, nor why he is doing all these things hurting you even more, but what I can see is that these behaviors are not healthy, not consistent with any form of real respect nor affection.
I think that the more you expose to this person in this way, the more wounded you would get from it. If he really happens to care about you, the first thing he would have to do is to apologize for his neglectful and abusive behaviors ending the relationship the way he did. Being totally honest and open towards you about his decision and ending any form of manipulative behavior.
If he has chosen not to be part of your life any longer, then he needs to stop acting in ways to keep yu attached and hopeful about him, since this dos not help but hurt you even more.
Does it make sense?
hi,yes that makes a lot of sense. About 4years ago we went through a very distant time,i fell pregnant,but because of us being distant i didnt have any idea how to tell him.my son had a best friend from school and his father kept dropping him over to be with my son,my son was only 13 at the time,and i was working very long hours,the boys father came over regularly and was emotionally supportive,,,i had a miscarriage a few weeks later and eventually when my boyfriend found out he couldnt believe i had another man in my house.i fully understand how wrong it seems but it was nothing like you could think.ive always been honest,open and very loyal..i needed someone to talk to and thats all it was,my boyfriend stopped being intermate with me a nd kept bringing it up...we have gone over and over it,and i really thought we were over it as that was 4yrs ago,however he said to me only last week that it was that reason ,ive explained everyway i could and he understands that he wasnt there for me and wasnt supportive when id moved to eastbourne to be nearer to him,also we had issues bcause he never made plans for us to be together as such,i said we are both adults and need to move forward,thats the main issue we always had,i felt he wasnt commited to me and through that ,i couldnt tell him i was pregnant,it was harder still to tell him i had a miscarriage,but its all in the past now,,,i do believe hes manipulated me and i do agree he needs to apologise for any kind of closure to take place...it has made me ill,im a very attractive lady and we both do the gym and have a lot in common.i just dnt know where to go from here.the fact he hasnt text me today adds further to the hurt im feeling..i dnt know how to begin from here.
Thank you for replying.
I'm sorry to know that it was this tough, sad and frustrating for you for all that long...
Then there were serious and chronic issues
I believe that the first and most important step here is to end the pattern of attachment here
Staying close in touch could never help you heal from it but make things worse
Let's hope he does not contact you back, but if he does, I do not suggest you to keep trying to get in touch , even for getting an apology or to discuss the end of your relationship...
I think that at this point, that would only hurt you even more, deepening wounds and fueling attachment that you do not need, and that could never help you with your healing process
Your support system should play an active role here helping you to heal and move on stronger from this painful experience.
Most times psychotherapy would be the best way for you to get necessary tools and the best support to make of this process something effective and less painful, since there was so much invested in it, and his neglect and manipulaiton just made everything worse to the present.
The first need, right and responsibility that you have is to take good care of yourself, understanding, respecting, protecting, loving and supporting yourself, in that way you would know how to set good boundaries and never allow anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you. This has been a very painful experience, but you'd be able to heal and grow wiser from it.
Please do not expose to this person anymore, to ensure things get better for you and not more painful nor harder.
I'd like to suggest you to read this book
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
thank you your kind words.i will sign out now.i will not be needing any further advice on any matters in the future,this was a one off for me.
You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care.