Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
ok so give me the deal....
what is your desire with her and do you know what she wants?
I don't know I have a feeling that she is the right one, but I am also a little torn with wanting to experience things with new people...
is that why you ended things 5 months ago? because you wanted to experience more?
Anyway, we started going out just over a year ago and broke up the first week of October.
are you sure you dont desire her just because she is moving and feel worried about losing her for good?
It was a small factor
it was a mutual break up, although I had been thinking about it for a couple of months before
3 in fact
ok. how old are both of you?
and it was just that i wasn't sure at the time although I was having an amazing time with her
plus i needed space and to concentrate on things for a while
not uncommon to want some space to figure things out for yourself
but i was also torn between wanting new experiences as well as having cultural differences, but I think i have moved past that now
she is 24 i am 26
and do you know where her feelings are currently?
i live in london and she moved to NY one month ago
and so being together again would require either a long distance thing or a move
when we broke up there was no contact and we did not see each other for almost exactly 2 months
i contacted her on her birthday to reconnect and ended up taking her out for dinner
since then we have been speaking and i saw her last the night before she left for NY
nice and it sounds like she was receptive
yeah its like nothing ever happened
although she mentions the breakup more than i would have expected
and we literally talked about EVERYTHING last time I saw her
so tell me then what is giving you difficulty about this?
not knowing what she might feel and taking that risk by telling her what you desire?
which i found fun in the beginning but ended up feeling upset afterwards
and i also told her i wouldn't rule out a future together
its painful to go through it all but sometimes necessary to get to the next level and clear the air
don't quite remember how she responded but she smiled
yeah i am happy we did that
anyway, we have spoken on and off over the last month, she sent me a 'platonic valentines' message and has told me several times i should come visit her in NY, also stressing that I would be sleeping on the sofa
it sounds like you are both feeling each other out to see what the other feels
i told her over the weekend that I have a free week coming up and she wants me to visit but is double-checking with her flatmate and that she has nothing going on during that week
so it is looking likely that i am going
ok all that sounds great so tell me what is worrying you if that is the right word
and i have been in this situation before with a previous ex
i think its fear of fear in truth
meaning what...tell me more about that
fear of nothing happening and returning to london very upset
so putting your feelings and desires out there and her not being on the same page
I truly understand that but the other option is what?
to stay quiet and never know?
well i dont know
but i dont know if i want a long distance thing
if we were to get to that stage
its scary I get that but if your feelings are strong you deserve to let them play out
long distance is tough for sure...no doubt.
so i think what i really want is the security that we could rekindle at the right time in the future
but all that can get worked out if you both decide it is the relationship you desire
one step at a time for you
which sounds like i want to have my cake and eat it
but doesn't everyone want that?
you gave me a smile on that one
that is what I was going to say...we all want that
heres a silly line....
if we all had a crystal ball, none of us would get out of bed in the morning
weve got to take those risks or risk not living
by keeping it all inside and protecting from rejection
but what can i look out for to help me?
so there is no crystal ball here that gives us that answer...but we look more to how you feel and what you desire and acting accordingly and letting the rest fall where it will
i guess what i really want to leave with is hope
she is studying in new york
I think you go to NY and enjoy your time together, discuss your feelings and desires and that will help reveal what might be and that can give you the hope
the best time together and reconnecting is the glue to getting back to one another
easy times and fun and laughter
letting go even while there is risk
we will have fun and there will be laughter
i know she has made a really positive change in her life too
I know you desire the guarantee but that fun and laughter can lead to better intimacy and a deepening of your connection
and she has told me that i helped her to see things differently while we were together
that not everything has to follow a set path
everything you say to me sounds very promising
i also get this feeling that she is putting on a brave face a lot of the time
yes similar to what I am saying...to just be and see what develops...not saying it is easy to do but may be necessary especially with the distance
and when you are together you will be able to see that clearly and she may let that guard down a bit as she may not know what you desire
so you are saying i need to go and feel it out while having fun etc then if i see that i can express myself just do it?
please give me one moment. my child is up screaming. I am not leaving. just one miute please
that was my plan
I am here. so sorry.
yes that is what I am saying...go, have fun, feel it out, let things be and then talk about how you both feel and what you want
did you see what i wrote a few lines up?
yes I just responded
can you let yourself do that?
of course i can because that was what i was going to do
either way i don't really have a choice
and moping, feeling depressed and being quiet around her is not going to do me any favours
exactly. I think you are clear in what you know of yourself and I am proud of you for your insight.
she did say she felt i took her for granted while we were together
that is exactly right...get out there and live...it would be no different than with someone new...its all guesswork and dancing around one another
did you feel that?
i could feel it
i felt terrible my last 3 months with her
so she may need to see that special side of you and how you can care for you
and for her
the only reason it was so delayed was because i was terrified of hurting her
and be there for her when she needs
you are very thoughtful and so now let her see all of it
she had an operation recently and when she told me before what was wrong, i was one of the few people she had told
and i made sure i was in contact with her as much as i could be
yes because she relies on you and your strength
she got the results and she is fine
that is wonderful.
which made me so happy because i was so worried
so get to ny and take her on romantic outings in central park or a carriage ride or skating and just have fun and reconnect
should i express to her in person how happy i am
or should i not gush too much
I am sure. I can hear how much you care for her
we women like expression so you can express without gushing if that makes sense.
i would tell her serously
not in a celebratory way
you can tell her how happy you were that she shared it with you and that she is fine and how worried you felt and glad you could be there for her
you are a gentleman...I can hear it!
so a subtle reference to how i feel about her still
yes give it a few days and just be together and then let her know how you still care and what you desire
but that is a good place to start ?
yes it is!
to sort of break her in to me expressing feelings again
just nothing too direct
I always like direct but maybe not hit it with her day one...get comfy with one another again
no i am never direct unless i feel it is the right time
trust your gut then when it is the right time
i am asking whether subtly expressing my feelings, ie telling her how glad i am she is fine - is a good place to start and possibly get her thinking back on that wavelength
yes I do...but why be subtle? why not just speak directly about that?
maybe subtle isn't the right word
gently and not too strong?
for me telling her how happy i am that she is fine is a starting point to how i mean to go on if that makes sense
yes it does and I am in agreement with that approach
without telling her EXACTLY how i feel straight away
it gives her a clue as to where things may be going
yes I get it and I like the approach
do you think that by stressing i will be on the sofa and purposely sending me a 'platonic' valentines message is her trying to tell herself she still doesn't have feelings for me?
(please don;t sugarcoat this answer!!!)
not necessarily because she wouldnt want you to come across the atlantic if she didnt have feelings for you
but she keeps stressing platonic platonic platonic
I cant imagine asking a man to fly across the atlantic if I didnt have feelings for the,
yes I think she may be trying to convince herself
in one way i feel i can see through it, but on the other hand it makes me think she is really serious!!
i just hope she isn't seeing someone
and take things slow...she may not know how you feel and needs to test it out too
but do you think she would have told me if she was?
would she really be seeing someone and ask you to ny???
i don't know
I dont think the invite would be there is she was
she told me she had been on a date with someone quite soon after we broke uo
i forgot to mention that
thats okay...a date and if it were more than that you would not be invited there
but she said she couldnt even bring himself to kiss him
that was while she was still in london?
cause of you!!!
that wasn't a question
dont over think things if you can....
im trying but i cant help it
we never told each other we loved each other during our relationship
I know...it is hard. but lets think of this practically...a woman who doesnt have feelings for you or is invovled with someone else does not ask her ex to fly across the atlantic to see each other
i didn;t want to because i wasnt sure where it was going
and did you love each other?
at the peak of the relationship
so each of you hold back your feelings and expressions and if you get back then that might be an area for improvement
just before i decided i wanted to break up with her
then when i had decided, i sort of acted like nothing was wrong for a while
then i started to distance myself
and i think when i did that, then she thought i was taking her for granted and she decided that she wanted to break up to
and we had a couple of near break ups
but i was so scared
yes so better communication is necessary
i was happy for a month after we broke uo
and then you missed her
then after i started thinking about her more again
and started to miss her
so you know what is needed now. better communication and letting things play out how they will
and i could only think about the good things
yes because those memories got lost as you distanced yourself from her
go get them back!
remember what i said about the crystal ball
none of us have one but we trudge on and take risks
you can do this!!!
lastly what signs can i look for
to know that she feels for you?
i dont mean like feet pointing towards me, or her playing with her hair
touching you..holding your hand, cuddling, asking how you feel and what you want
i don't think any of that is going to happen
even talking about your break up are signs that she may want to repair it
you dont know that...
we did that A LOT last time i saw her
she would touch my arm a little sometimes
exactly so let it continue...she is feeling you out too
but nothing more
she has no idea how you feel
i have been way more open though!!
yes you have and you will continue to be
i asked her in person if she would rule out being with me again
and told her i wouldn't
i know that is not totally direct, but it was as open as i felt i could be at that point
don't really remember her reaction
thats fine...you can only be true to yourself but I think because it isnt completely direct she is trying to get a sense from you
she also asked me if she could come to a wedding with me in the summer
(which i don't have a +1 for)
well make that happen
these are good signs
and i said then before i knew the latter that i would take her if i wasn't with someone else by then
i saw the groom-to-be last night
i dont have a plus one
ok so then you share that with her or ask him if you are together with her could you bring her
i did ask even if i am with someone then
and he said no
because more people rsvp'd than they expected
ok so then you know and you will share that with her
i was going to anyway
and i'll tell her it was a shame because it would have been nice
so I think we have a good plan
you feel okay about it?
the one thing i really would love to happen there even if its on the last night
is to just be able to lie next to her in bed
and it may happen....
not in a sexual way
let things happen naturally and it just may be that way
i feel like there is one more thing i need to mention but i can't think of what it is
i guess i am worried that she is still going through this positive change in her life and whether it will affect things
the positive change could be a great thing and it could allow you to reconnect
or should i be trying to be a part of it
even though i sort of am in a platonic way at the moment
you are a part of it...she wants you in it
you broke up and now you are seeing if you can reconnect
let it be
obviously i am thinking that if there IS to be any cuddling, i need to initiate it
like everything else
let things play out and not over think all aspects
guess thats it then
you can do this.
come back anytime. I am here to support you
i know i just don't want my feelings to get the better of me
at the wrong time
breathe...its okay...let it all play out
i'm ok, its more inside that i am feeling all this
im not SO expressive on the exterior, usually
its all okay.
Breathe and be calm.
thats how i am
good then all will be well
you've seen the worst of me!!
how do i know where to find you again?
no Ive seen the best of you!!! honesty, care and compassion
haha i know was joking
if you need me again you start a new question and you write for Coach Jen K Only at teh beginning and it will come to me
hahaha funny guy
are you based in the US?
if you would be so kind to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. I than kyou in advance
because i am a night owl
yes I am in the US
I can see that
ah ok i thought so
go get some rest
well thank you so much i feel a lot better now
maybe i will speak with you once more before i go
(if I go)
and will probably want to chat when i come back
so i will speak to you soon
I am glad. come to me anytime...yes that sounds great
and good night
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