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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Broke up with my girlfriend almost 5 months ago. Have seen

Resolved Question:

Broke up with my girlfriend almost 5 months ago. Have seen her since, but now she has moved to New York and I may be seeing her next week. Thinking about getting her back but need advice!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

ok so give me the deal....

Coach Jen K. :

what is your desire with her and do you know what she wants?

Coach Jen K. :

hi

Customer:

I don't know I have a feeling that she is the right one, but I am also a little torn with wanting to experience things with new people...

Customer:

hi

Coach Jen K. :

is that why you ended things 5 months ago? because you wanted to experience more?

Customer:

Anyway, we started going out just over a year ago and broke up the first week of October.

Customer:

Not completely.

Coach Jen K. :

are you sure you dont desire her just because she is moving and feel worried about losing her for good?

Customer:

It was a small factor

Coach Jen K. :

ok

Customer:

no

Customer:

it was a mutual break up, although I had been thinking about it for a couple of months before

Customer:

3 in fact

Coach Jen K. :

ok. how old are both of you?

Customer:

and it was just that i wasn't sure at the time although I was having an amazing time with her

Coach Jen K. :

makes sense

Customer:

plus i needed space and to concentrate on things for a while

Coach Jen K. :

not uncommon to want some space to figure things out for yourself

Customer:

but i was also torn between wanting new experiences as well as having cultural differences, but I think i have moved past that now

Customer:

she is 24 i am 26

Coach Jen K. :

and do you know where her feelings are currently?

Customer:

i live in london and she moved to NY one month ago

Customer:

no

Coach Jen K. :

and so being together again would require either a long distance thing or a move

Customer:

when we broke up there was no contact and we did not see each other for almost exactly 2 months

Customer:

i contacted her on her birthday to reconnect and ended up taking her out for dinner

Customer:

since then we have been speaking and i saw her last the night before she left for NY

Coach Jen K. :

nice and it sounds like she was receptive

Customer:

yeah its like nothing ever happened

Customer:

although she mentions the breakup more than i would have expected

Customer:

and we literally talked about EVERYTHING last time I saw her

Coach Jen K. :

so tell me then what is giving you difficulty about this?

Coach Jen K. :

not knowing what she might feel and taking that risk by telling her what you desire?

Customer:

which i found fun in the beginning but ended up feeling upset afterwards

Customer:

and i also told her i wouldn't rule out a future together

Coach Jen K. :

its painful to go through it all but sometimes necessary to get to the next level and clear the air

Customer:

don't quite remember how she responded but she smiled

Customer:

yeah i am happy we did that

Customer:

anyway, we have spoken on and off over the last month, she sent me a 'platonic valentines' message and has told me several times i should come visit her in NY, also stressing that I would be sleeping on the sofa

Coach Jen K. :

it sounds like you are both feeling each other out to see what the other feels

Customer:

i told her over the weekend that I have a free week coming up and she wants me to visit but is double-checking with her flatmate and that she has nothing going on during that week

Customer:

so it is looking likely that i am going

Coach Jen K. :

ok all that sounds great so tell me what is worrying you if that is the right word

Customer:

and i have been in this situation before with a previous ex

Customer:

i think its fear of fear in truth

Coach Jen K. :

meaning what...tell me more about that

Customer:

fear of nothing happening and returning to london very upset

Coach Jen K. :

so putting your feelings and desires out there and her not being on the same page

Customer:

yeah

Coach Jen K. :

I truly understand that but the other option is what?

Coach Jen K. :

to stay quiet and never know?

Customer:

well i dont know

Customer:

but i dont know if i want a long distance thing

Customer:

if we were to get to that stage

Coach Jen K. :

its scary I get that but if your feelings are strong you deserve to let them play out

Coach Jen K. :

long distance is tough for sure...no doubt.

Customer:

so i think what i really want is the security that we could rekindle at the right time in the future

Coach Jen K. :

but all that can get worked out if you both decide it is the relationship you desire

Coach Jen K. :

one step at a time for you

Customer:

which sounds like i want to have my cake and eat it

Customer:

but doesn't everyone want that?

Coach Jen K. :

you gave me a smile on that one

Coach Jen K. :

that is what I was going to say...we all want that

Coach Jen K. :

heres a silly line....

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

if we all had a crystal ball, none of us would get out of bed in the morning

Coach Jen K. :

weve got to take those risks or risk not living

Coach Jen K. :

by keeping it all inside and protecting from rejection

Customer:

completely right

Customer:

but what can i look out for to help me?

Coach Jen K. :

so there is no crystal ball here that gives us that answer...but we look more to how you feel and what you desire and acting accordingly and letting the rest fall where it will

Customer:

i guess what i really want to leave with is hope

Customer:

she is studying in new york

Coach Jen K. :

I think you go to NY and enjoy your time together, discuss your feelings and desires and that will help reveal what might be and that can give you the hope

Coach Jen K. :

the best time together and reconnecting is the glue to getting back to one another

Coach Jen K. :

easy times and fun and laughter

Coach Jen K. :

letting go even while there is risk

Customer:

we will have fun and there will be laughter

Customer:

i know she has made a really positive change in her life too

Coach Jen K. :

I know you desire the guarantee but that fun and laughter can lead to better intimacy and a deepening of your connection

Customer:

and she has told me that i helped her to see things differently while we were together

Customer:

that not everything has to follow a set path

Coach Jen K. :

everything you say to me sounds very promising

Customer:

i also get this feeling that she is putting on a brave face a lot of the time

Coach Jen K. :

yes similar to what I am saying...to just be and see what develops...not saying it is easy to do but may be necessary especially with the distance

Coach Jen K. :

and when you are together you will be able to see that clearly and she may let that guard down a bit as she may not know what you desire

Customer:

so you are saying i need to go and feel it out while having fun etc then if i see that i can express myself just do it?

Coach Jen K. :

please give me one moment. my child is up screaming. I am not leaving. just one miute please

Customer:

that was my plan

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

I am here. so sorry.

Customer:

its ok

Coach Jen K. :

yes that is what I am saying...go, have fun, feel it out, let things be and then talk about how you both feel and what you want

Customer:

did you see what i wrote a few lines up?

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

yes I just responded

Coach Jen K. :

can you let yourself do that?

Customer:

of course i can because that was what i was going to do

Customer:

either way i don't really have a choice

Customer:

and moping, feeling depressed and being quiet around her is not going to do me any favours

Coach Jen K. :

exactly. I think you are clear in what you know of yourself and I am proud of you for your insight.

Customer:

she did say she felt i took her for granted while we were together

Coach Jen K. :

that is exactly right...get out there and live...it would be no different than with someone new...its all guesswork and dancing around one another

Coach Jen K. :

did you feel that?

Customer:

i could feel it

Customer:

i felt terrible my last 3 months with her

Coach Jen K. :

so she may need to see that special side of you and how you can care for you

Coach Jen K. :

and for her

Customer:

the only reason it was so delayed was because i was terrified of hurting her

Coach Jen K. :

and be there for her when she needs

Coach Jen K. :

you are very thoughtful and so now let her see all of it

Customer:

she had an operation recently and when she told me before what was wrong, i was one of the few people she had told

Customer:

and i made sure i was in contact with her as much as i could be

Coach Jen K. :

yes because she relies on you and your strength

Customer:

she got the results and she is fine

Coach Jen K. :

that is wonderful.

Customer:

which made me so happy because i was so worried

Coach Jen K. :

so get to ny and take her on romantic outings in central park or a carriage ride or skating and just have fun and reconnect

Customer:

should i express to her in person how happy i am

Customer:

or should i not gush too much

Coach Jen K. :

I am sure. I can hear how much you care for her

Coach Jen K. :

we women like expression so you can express without gushing if that makes sense.

Customer:

i would tell her serously

Customer:

not in a celebratory way

Coach Jen K. :

you can tell her how happy you were that she shared it with you and that she is fine and how worried you felt and glad you could be there for her

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

you are a gentleman...I can hear it!

Customer:

so a subtle reference to how i feel about her still

Customer:

thank you

Coach Jen K. :

yes give it a few days and just be together and then let her know how you still care and what you desire

Customer:

but that is a good place to start ?

Coach Jen K. :

yes it is!

Customer:

to sort of break her in to me expressing feelings again

Customer:

just nothing too direct

Coach Jen K. :

I always like direct but maybe not hit it with her day one...get comfy with one another again

Customer:

no i am never direct unless i feel it is the right time

Coach Jen K. :

trust your gut then when it is the right time

Customer:

i am asking whether subtly expressing my feelings, ie telling her how glad i am she is fine - is a good place to start and possibly get her thinking back on that wavelength

Coach Jen K. :

yes I do...but why be subtle? why not just speak directly about that?

Customer:

maybe subtle isn't the right word

Coach Jen K. :

gently and not too strong?

Customer:

for me telling her how happy i am that she is fine is a starting point to how i mean to go on if that makes sense

Coach Jen K. :

yes it does and I am in agreement with that approach

Customer:

without telling her EXACTLY how i feel straight away

Customer:

it gives her a clue as to where things may be going

Coach Jen K. :

yes I get it and I like the approach

Customer:

do you think that by stressing i will be on the sofa and purposely sending me a 'platonic' valentines message is her trying to tell herself she still doesn't have feelings for me?

Customer:

(please don;t sugarcoat this answer!!!)

Coach Jen K. :

not necessarily because she wouldnt want you to come across the atlantic if she didnt have feelings for you

Customer:

but she keeps stressing platonic platonic platonic

Coach Jen K. :

I cant imagine asking a man to fly across the atlantic if I didnt have feelings for the,

Coach Jen K. :

yes I think she may be trying to convince herself

Customer:

in one way i feel i can see through it, but on the other hand it makes me think she is really serious!!

Customer:

i just hope she isn't seeing someone

Coach Jen K. :

and take things slow...she may not know how you feel and needs to test it out too

Customer:

but do you think she would have told me if she was?

Coach Jen K. :

would she really be seeing someone and ask you to ny???

Customer:

i don't know

Coach Jen K. :

I dont think the invite would be there is she was

Customer:

she told me she had been on a date with someone quite soon after we broke uo

Customer:

i forgot to mention that

Coach Jen K. :

thats okay...a date and if it were more than that you would not be invited there

Customer:

but she said she couldnt even bring himself to kiss him

Customer:

that was while she was still in london?

Customer:

!!

Coach Jen K. :

cause of you!!!

Customer:

that wasn't a question

Coach Jen K. :

dont over think things if you can....

Customer:

im trying but i cant help it

Customer:

another thing

Customer:

we never told each other we loved each other during our relationship

Customer:

not once

Coach Jen K. :

I know...it is hard. but lets think of this practically...a woman who doesnt have feelings for you or is invovled with someone else does not ask her ex to fly across the atlantic to see each other

Customer:

i didn;t want to because i wasnt sure where it was going

Coach Jen K. :

and did you love each other?

Customer:

we did

Customer:

at the peak of the relationship

Coach Jen K. :

so each of you hold back your feelings and expressions and if you get back then that might be an area for improvement

Customer:

just before i decided i wanted to break up with her

Customer:

then when i had decided, i sort of acted like nothing was wrong for a while

Customer:

then i started to distance myself

Coach Jen K. :

fear

Customer:

and i think when i did that, then she thought i was taking her for granted and she decided that she wanted to break up to

Customer:

and we had a couple of near break ups

Customer:

but i was so scared

Coach Jen K. :

yes so better communication is necessary

Customer:

yeah

Customer:

i was happy for a month after we broke uo

Customer:

up

Coach Jen K. :

and then you missed her

Customer:

then after i started thinking about her more again

Customer:

and started to miss her

Customer:

exactly

Coach Jen K. :

so you know what is needed now. better communication and letting things play out how they will

Customer:

and i could only think about the good things

Coach Jen K. :

yes because those memories got lost as you distanced yourself from her

Coach Jen K. :

go get them back!

Coach Jen K. :

remember what i said about the crystal ball

Coach Jen K. :

none of us have one but we trudge on and take risks

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

you can do this!!!

Customer:

lastly what signs can i look for

Coach Jen K. :

to know that she feels for you?

Customer:

i dont mean like feet pointing towards me, or her playing with her hair

Customer:

yes

Coach Jen K. :

touching you..holding your hand, cuddling, asking how you feel and what you want

Customer:

i don't think any of that is going to happen

Coach Jen K. :

even talking about your break up are signs that she may want to repair it

Coach Jen K. :

you dont know that...

Customer:

we did that A LOT last time i saw her

Customer:

she would touch my arm a little sometimes

Coach Jen K. :

exactly so let it continue...she is feeling you out too

Customer:

but nothing more

Coach Jen K. :

she has no idea how you feel

Customer:

i have been way more open though!!

Coach Jen K. :

yes you have and you will continue to be

Customer:

i asked her in person if she would rule out being with me again

Customer:

and told her i wouldn't

Customer:

i know that is not totally direct, but it was as open as i felt i could be at that point

Customer:

don't really remember her reaction

Coach Jen K. :

thats fine...you can only be true to yourself but I think because it isnt completely direct she is trying to get a sense from you

Customer:

she also asked me if she could come to a wedding with me in the summer

Customer:

(which i don't have a +1 for)

Coach Jen K. :

well make that happen

Coach Jen K. :

these are good signs

Customer:

and i said then before i knew the latter that i would take her if i wasn't with someone else by then

Customer:

i saw the groom-to-be last night

Customer:

i dont have a plus one

Coach Jen K. :

ok so then you share that with her or ask him if you are together with her could you bring her

Customer:

i did ask even if i am with someone then

Customer:

and he said no

Customer:

because more people rsvp'd than they expected

Coach Jen K. :

ok so then you know and you will share that with her

Customer:

i was going to anyway

Customer:

and i'll tell her it was a shame because it would have been nice

Coach Jen K. :

correct

Coach Jen K. :

so I think we have a good plan

Coach Jen K. :

you feel okay about it?

Customer:

the one thing i really would love to happen there even if its on the last night

Customer:

is to just be able to lie next to her in bed

Coach Jen K. :

and it may happen....

Customer:

not in a sexual way

Coach Jen K. :

let things happen naturally and it just may be that way

Customer:

ok

Customer:

i feel like there is one more thing i need to mention but i can't think of what it is

Coach Jen K. :

ok

Customer:

i guess i am worried that she is still going through this positive change in her life and whether it will affect things

Coach Jen K. :

the positive change could be a great thing and it could allow you to reconnect

Customer:

or should i be trying to be a part of it

Customer:

even though i sort of am in a platonic way at the moment

Coach Jen K. :

you are a part of it...she wants you in it

Coach Jen K. :

yes.

Coach Jen K. :

you broke up and now you are seeing if you can reconnect

Coach Jen K. :

let it be

Customer:

obviously i am thinking that if there IS to be any cuddling, i need to initiate it

Customer:

like everything else

Coach Jen K. :

let things play out and not over think all aspects

Customer:

ok...

Customer:

guess thats it then

Coach Jen K. :

you can do this.

Coach Jen K. :

come back anytime. I am here to support you

Customer:

i know i just don't want my feelings to get the better of me

Customer:

at the wrong time

Coach Jen K. :

breathe...its okay...let it all play out

Customer:

i'm ok, its more inside that i am feeling all this

Customer:

im not SO expressive on the exterior, usually

Coach Jen K. :

its all okay.

Coach Jen K. :

Breathe and be calm.

Customer:

thats how i am

Coach Jen K. :

good then all will be well

Customer:

you've seen the worst of me!!

Customer:

how do i know where to find you again?

Coach Jen K. :

no Ive seen the best of you!!! honesty, care and compassion

Customer:

haha i know was joking

Coach Jen K. :

if you need me again you start a new question and you write for Coach Jen K Only at teh beginning and it will come to me

Coach Jen K. :

hahaha funny guy

Customer:

are you based in the US?

Coach Jen K. :

if you would be so kind to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. I than kyou in advance

Customer:

because i am a night owl

Coach Jen K. :

yes I am in the US

Coach Jen K. :

I can see that

Customer:

ah ok i thought so

Coach Jen K. :

go get some rest

Customer:

well thank you so much i feel a lot better now

Customer:

maybe i will speak with you once more before i go

Customer:

(if I go)

Customer:

and will probably want to chat when i come back

Customer:

so i will speak to you soon

Coach Jen K. :

I am glad. come to me anytime...yes that sounds great

Customer:

thanks again!

Customer:

and good night

Customer:

bye

Coach Jen K. :

thank you for taking a moment to rate my work. I dont get credit until you do

Coach Jen K. :

bye

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

ty

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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