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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Boyfriend having an affair?

Customer Question

So I moved to Belfast in September with the idea of moving back to spain after xmas. However I then fell in love with my housemate, stayed and got a new job in order to continue with him. Through-out the relationship there were issues which made me doubt my trust in him, such as messages found, lies found out and a past he never spoke about (He used to sleep around a lot). I work nights (11-6am) and went to work last weekend, knowing he had friends coming down from his hometown for a few drinks. Upon returning I found him passed out asleep with his phone opened and an unread message. After reading through the messages sent to him and from him, they were from an unsaved number, however I almost surely recognise the number from his old phone which used to be one of his regular hook ups. The messages started with the other guy asking if they 'were still on tomorrow night' sent at 11:52 (when I would be in work). Then after confirming they were and a bit of chit chat which included that they were friendly and both drinking with friends, he then messaged saying he couldnt speak at the moment after my partner had tried to ring him. Then at 04:23 there was a message sent from my boyfriend asking if the contact was 'free at the moment', again aware I wasnt home at 6. All in all this was a breaking point for me, as I found out also that his whatsapp on his usual phone (which is currently broken and hes using his old SIM and phone) has the same number as his old mobile (The one he is receiving messages from now), the whatsapp never had any messages on it whenever I asked to use it. Upon asking and confronting him about it, he replied that it was a 'joke' and did it to amuse himself as the guy was 'obsessed' with him. However then lied and said he left his phone upstairs when he went to the shops in the morning, I could see it in his pocket however. Upon bringing it up again, he said to me that he sent a message to he guy and told him to never talk to him again, he however deleted this text apparantly so he doesnt have access to the number for my sake. He also burst into tears when I said that I cannot deal with it and suggested that we call it a day. Since then he has been more loving towards me. Constantly telling me how much he loves me ect.


I love this guy so much, but I dont see how the other guy which he never speaks to apparantly would know about him using his old number again, especially not on whatsapp, and even so- what did he mean about being 'on for tomorrow night' still. HELP me I need advice and guidance, im all alone in belfast so cannot rely on friends or family.


I should also add that I do believe he loves me, he does everything for me and helps me out with whatever I need, even paid for me for 2 months when I was out of work. He always looks out for me and makes sure I feel alright, also we are so loved up when we speak day to day. I just think maybe he cannot let his past go? Or perhaps after confronting him he will stop whatever is going on?

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question.

Dear XXXXX :

What I see is someone that truly loves you from what you have described. When you love someone so much you get so worried that you are going to lose them that there are so many things that come in question.

Dear XXXXX :

I believe that the guy that was messaging him could have an obsession with him. He could very well be telling the truth.

Dear XXXXX :

There is a lot about numbers being in question, but maybe this person just always contact that old number.

Dear XXXXX :

It is very clear that he is very upset over the situation and doesn't want you hurt over it. He has told you how much he loves you and him crying over it shows me that he truly cares.

Dear XXXXX :

He does not want to lose you and is willing to make sure things go right for now on. I do not believe that anything was going on I think this person could have been texting to act like they were going to meet when they weren't.

Dear XXXXX :

I want to talk about the past. Everyone has a past, but not everyone wants to talk about their past because it could be just bad memories they choose to block out.

Dear XXXXX :

It is ok if he does not want to discuss his past, but he might as time passed. People often open up unexpectedly the more comfortable they get with someone. When he does you just listen. It takes a lot some times for people to open up.

Dear XXXXX :

You feel in love with him and changed all your plans. This is a relationship that is worth holding onto. It is ver obvious your feelings towards your partner.

Dear XXXXX :

The number was an unsaved number which means this is not someone he contacts. If a number is XXXXX in a phone it is someone you contact often and are important. This person was not important enough too him to log it into his phone.

Dear XXXXX :

You mentioned you thought it was an old number from an old phone which mean it could have been an old friend. People keep old numbers for years because they don't contact the person then all of a sudden they do and they never had the new number so they think it never changed. People forget to give everyone their new contacts.

Dear XXXXX :

You know he lied about leaving his phone upstair, but I think he might have lied just because he is nervous. Even if someone is innocent they tend to panic and lie without even thinking, then the lie gets bigger, when they know the real truth.

Dear XXXXX :

You mentioned he use to sleep around a lot. But people do change when they found the right one they want to be with.

Dear XXXXX :

You both are in a committed relationship and it is clear he does not want to lose you.

Dear XXXXX :

I can tell he loves you and I feel that you both should start over and focus on each other. That person he was talking about just could be a friend.

Dear XXXXX :

It also could be someone that likes him but he doesn't like the person back. He agreed to not speak with that person because it bothered you. That is someone that truly cares about you. You come first in his life and that is true love.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you very much for putting my mind at ease, I am aware that I over think things and am generally slightly insecure due to being cheated on in the past.


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Thank you very much for your question. When new relationships begin your focus is getting to know the person and it is fun, exciting. But then as you develop more feelings for the person things begin to change. Then different emotions tend to take over and questions arise. You begin to wonder how committed and what is the level of feelings the person has for you.Then some times the past plays a part in how you treat the new relationship. I want you to look at things this way, some times past relationships end in a negative way, but it does not mean your new relationship will be the same. You want to enter this relationship with positive thoughts that things will be different this time. It is very hard to trust when you have been hurt in the past. But you have to build trust in a relationship. You want to focus on the relationship and loving each other. One way to help get rid of those insecurities is ask more questions. If you question anything, ask him so that you can ease your mind. This will help and stop that wondering. If you feel something is wrong or you are wondering why he did a certain things, just come right out and ask. This way things will not get too far and it will stop those thoughts. I feel that you are first in his life and you are very important too him. I want you to just focus on loving each other and build a strong, trusting relationship. Love is such a strong emotions and I feel you both love each other very much. You both have a connection and I feel you just want to keep building your relationship.

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