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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2816
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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i have been with my girlfriend for just over 4 years she is

Customer Question

i have been with my girlfriend for just over 4 years she is 32 and i am 28, we have traveled together round the world. lived and worked together in various places and spent allot of our free time doing lots of adventurous things together. we dont argue much and i would say she is my best friend.

unfortunately for the last year or so i have been having real feelings of doubt and frustration about the relationship. i cant get it out of my head. i seem to fancy random women and feel frustrated sexually alot of the time. when i think about the next step e.g.marrage and kids i think i want to do these things but i just cant see her in that future. i feel so bad she hasn't done anything wrong but i just feel that i want to have the freedom to meet other women. then other times i feel like i don't want to leave her. i try ed to talk to her about all this stuff but she dosn't really here me and i guess she just thinks everything will be ok between us. i don't know what to do. these thought s and feelings are dominating my life now and i just want to find a way to settle my mind again. if i leave here will i be able to meet someone to have the future that i want?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know you have been facing this frustrating and distressful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify what you mean when you say that "she doesn't do anything wrong", while at the same time you say oyu have tried to talk to her about these issues, but she "doesn't really hear you"?

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

hello?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for being here

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

well when i try to talk to her about the situation it dosent go in

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she has been a truly healthy, caring , understanding, loving, passionate and supportive girlfriend, how could it be that she does not even listen to your concerns and what is affecting you this much, including your sexual frustration, doubts and other problems?

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

your not making any sence

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me try to explain it a little more then

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

ok

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

explain

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

you still there?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you talk to her about your sexual frustration, doubts, problems in the relationship, and she does not listen to you, disregarding what you say, feel and what bothers you this much to the point of not having hopes about a future together with her....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

yes, I am here

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

i just don see here in that future

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

then how could she be a good and supportive, loving and caring girlfriend?

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

but i still want that future

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

i worry i am being selfish

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

and that things will work them selves out

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I totally agree with you, if in the present she is unable and unwilling to even acknowledge these core problems, to expect you would have a happy and fulfilling life in the long run would be very unrealistic

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

and sexually i dont thik she can satisfy me anymore and i dont know why

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think being honest, open and realistic as you seem to be could be selfish at all, it seems very mature, responsible and assertive, essential for you to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

its just sort of happend

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

i worry that i will not have time to meet somone else and get the life i want

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

is 28 too late?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus every concrete issue affecting you this much must be addressed, and both of you work on it in order to find out, you can make it work for both of you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What do you mean too late when a person is 28?

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

and how do i leave somone that i live with and share loads of stuff with?

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

28 too late to go and meet another single woman who wants what i want

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are the only one with the right, need , power and responsibility to choose what you really need, want and are willing to afford or not in your life. Thus you need to assess the pros and cons of this relationship in the present, and in the future, be clear about your core priorities, needs and expectations, and based on that choose what you want to afford or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you tell her about all these serious concerns and problems, and she disregards XXXXX XXXXX she has a real serious issue totally undermining your relationship integrity and potential for grow. The last option you have is to look for a good couples therapist to support you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A good professional would be able to help her understand how serious these issues have been for you

JACUSTOMER-rd73vr2l- :

just feel like i need a fresh start and dont know how to get out

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By being totally truthful with yourself and honest towards her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

couples counseling could be the best way for you to work on that process too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Cooples counseling - therapy would help people to work on their issues, anf if they happen not to be able nor willing to build a healthy relaitonship, then it would help them to end the relatiosnhip in assertive ways.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

I hear your situation and your worries loud and clear. It sounds to me that you do as well but struggle with leaving and ending a relationship that has, in the past given you much joy. It sounds to me that the relationship as you say has evolved more into a best friendship than that of a lover, partner and possibly future for marriage. This happens and although it can be quite painful, it is important to honor those feelings.

You are feeling restless and desire to explore things with other women because this best friendship does not fulfill the needs you have by having a lover. 28 is not too late at all...in fact it is never too late....if your desire is there at any age you can always be out there to meet someone and begin a life.

I know you worry that 28 is late to meet, get married and have kids, but this is not the case. You sound active and adventurous and well traveled and cultured...that brings many opportunities to meet someone new and begin a fresh and exciting love relationship.

In terms of your current situation and how to navigate through this challenge the first step is to sit with your feelings as you have and be honest with yourself about what it all feels like for you and if it is friendship then leaving seems to be the option. I understand you have tried to speak to her about it but that hasn't gone well. Most likely because it is painful for her to hear and she hopes it will blow over. Made even more difficult when you get along well and she hasn't done anything wrong as you say to bring on these feelings. That is also telling as if there hasn't been strife it is just a matter of your feelings changing. That is okay...it happens.

So, let the feelings emerge and then begin a process to leave f that is what feels right for you. Yes there will be some unwinding of things you share together but it can be done. It is a process. Then you can be out in the world and explore and meet and be free to do it all.

Let me know your thoughts.
Jen

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