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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Help with a new relationship

Resolved Question:

Help with a new relationship
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

We talked before about your relationship problems. Is this anew one you want to talk about tonight?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am here to support you, so when you get the time to join the chat, just reply and we'd work on it.

Customer:

hello, yes we did. I'm just a bit unsure about some things and would like some advice

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure. I listen

Customer:

the man I've been seeing for a couple of months is very attentive. at first he said he was unsure he wanted a relationship as he has never really been involved with anyone more than 6 months but now after 2 months he said he would very much like us to be exclusive. I do really like him. but we live in different cities and have been seeing each other every other weekend....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

ok

Customer:

i was clear that i was looking for a long-term relationship (with the right person), he assures me we should see how it goes for a few months and to see how it goes. he thinks that i panic a lot. he says he won't waste my time he just wants to see how we develop together....

Customer:

i think he is right but I'm

Customer:

tending to panic a lot and i feel like as with previous relationships i jeopardise them rather than see how they unfold. that's my problem, i'm not sure what to do. i feel like finishing things because what's the point if he may turn around in a few months wanting something else anyway. i know this worry is not good. i just don't know how to control it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sorry, the chat erased my text

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I was saying that last time you acknowledged your lack of patience and pushing things is a pattern that leads you to sabotage yourself and relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and this is the very area where you need to work on, since healthy and fulfilling relationships do not just happen, they gradually develop with time and concrete work, and you would only find out during the process, through concrete experiences, so the risks and potential pain from frustration and other feelings are always involved.

Customer:

but i had i change this pattern? or maybe i'm right because i'll be let down anyway? i'm older, he's not ready for children, I am but he says he wants us to keep seeing each other as we do connect well

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would only continue if you see this person is being respectful, realistic and responsible to work on it, not believing you will commit to a long term relationship without knowing each other good enough first, that would be naive , immature and very destructive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you think he has so many good qualities, values, personality features, etc, then it could be worthy, but if you see that his life style or a choice he makes about relationships is incompatible with what you need and look for , then you would not waste your time.

Customer:

we both have problems with abandonment - he is adopted and i had a father who would go missing regularly. it's hard to though, he wants me to give him time as he has no real experience of relationships. he has been very keen, phones, writes, visits often. i think i'm scared to give him a chance in case he hurts me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just remember that you will never find a perfect match without working on looking for it, sharing and working on gradually developing mutual understanding, caring and support, only that way you and anybody could find out about the potential and willingness to build a good relationships or not, everything else would be illusions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

One thing you need to come to terms with is that it is impossible to experience something as a full human being without taking risks to experience pain, and that pain would always be present as natural part of life experiences, but what makes the difference is if you learn and grow from it, or distort and fuel it into suffering and dysfucntion

Customer:

yes i've got to embrace my fear!

Customer:

how do i encourage him to do the same without scaring him off? Or something he needs to figure out for himself?

Customer:

i feel like i can be standoffish and then very needy. i really do want to change this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have to fully acknowledge it, confront it, and work on building self-esteem, confidence and further assertiveness and coping skills.

Customer:

ok thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do not push him, if he does not spontaneously works on it, then pushing him would not help. Let him show you if he is willing to work on it, but without a rigid mind, since you are still learning about each other, the very first phase.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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