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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Please below a copy of a previous question, I have been accused

Customer Question

Please below a copy of a previous question,
I have been accused by my girlfriend of neglect for 11yrs same amount of time as our son, where I worked overtime to pay for bills(holidays etc)most times 7 days a week. I love her dearly. Now she wants to split up and sell the house. quoting the neglect as the main reason, I dont want this and have tried everything without success. During this time she has had a hysterectomy following on from bad periods, developed a chest infection which is now life threatening should she get a re occurrence, and now I find out that she has been going through the menopause. She says that she no longer cares about us, but I feel that these events have influenced her. She wont listen to me or hear what i have to say about it, and somehow believes that she controls it. But my question is if your going through the menopause would it cause relationship issues feelings of neglect, a sense of lost youth. mood swings loss of sex drive resentment ....
I dont want to lose her but cant get her to see whats happening to her. its as if she is in denial.

New question,
my partner is still adamant that it is over between us and her plan is to still to sell the house and split. I still love her and dont want this to happen. I am currently in hotels until the end of the week then I will return home. She is going to see a counsellor today to discuss her depression alas I think she is in denial in so much as to how much impact it will have in our relationship. I feel that this opportunity to get help might be missed. So I would like to help her with it as much as she will allow, as you can imagine I dont want to be seen to be dictating to her. But it seems that I have a greater understanding of her issues than she has. She is still commenting on the neglect aspect and this does seem to be a major issue with her. She did say on asking that "yeah and people wonder why I like my own company" so it really does seem that she feels abandoned, and has developed a defence method of coping. I because of work looks like I fell into the group of offenders. I now need some way of stopping this and reversing the this. I think that the way that she is dealling with this sad, and she shouldnt be this way. I want her to be part of our family and to enjoy a family life. But I cant say to much as the moment I do she puts the shutters up and the conversation ends.
I need help and a miracle here!!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question. I have helped you before on your last question, so I know your situation very well.

Dear XXXXX :

Her going to see a counselor will help her better understand her feels.

Dear XXXXX :

It will also give her a chance to talk about how she feels about you and the counselor will guide her in the right decision for her life.

Dear XXXXX :

She is going through a lot of women changes which is effecting her hormonal balance.

Dear XXXXX :

She is just plan not feeling good about herself. It is very hard going through the change of life and also she is having complications.

Dear XXXXX :

It's very hard for anyone to understand unless they went through it. It would be very helpful for you to read about what she is going through. I think it would help you better understand her mood swings.

Dear XXXXX :

It is important that you know these emotions that women go through when they are experiencing menopause. It will also show that you are concerned and there to help her through all these problems she is having.

Dear XXXXX :

She seems to be having a problem with you not being their when she needed you and she felt alone at times.

Dear XXXXX :

Even though you had to work to build a better life for your family. She does not see it that way. She sees things in a new way that you were not their for her.

Dear XXXXX :

Right now she is pushing you away because she does not understand her emotions.

Dear XXXXX :

You need to show her that you have changed and everything she has gone through made you realize even more how much you love her.

Dear XXXXX :

People react differently when they go through things in life. You can look at your life as you need a change or you can settle back into your old life. But people usually look at life differently.

Dear XXXXX :

They feel that all they went through they need to change and live their life in a new way.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel she is looking at her life and thinking about all the things she wants to do and all the things she feel she missed in life.

Dear XXXXX :

When you have a life threading experience in life all you think about is the things you never got to do and when life is unsure, you wonder if you will every get that chance to do them. She feels that most of her time was spend alone raising a child, but she didn't see that you were there for her by providing a better life. She just wanted you there and she never cared about anything else.

Dear XXXXX :

Now is your chance to just be there and show her that your relationship deserves a second chance.

Dear XXXXX :

Her walls need to come down and get rid of that anger that she is feeling so that she can find that love she had for you. So much of her hurt is masking her true feelings for you. Deep down is her love for you that needs to surface again. Show her that you are going to be there for her through it all, so she can see that you will do anything to save this relationship.

Customer:

Hi,

Customer:

This is getting more and more difficult, its is virtually as if I dont exist, I send her texts that go unanswered and emails that just hang. i dont know how to communicate with her. Nothing seems to work, I am frightened to have a one to one with her at the moment because all I expect to get is sell the house...I need some way of getting through that wall to her to tell her how much she has been through and that I have been there, but like you said she is so angry I cant get through to her, there is effectively no us. I really dont want to see this end but I cant see a future if she doesnt start to talk to me. or acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are lots of issues involved here. I really do despair I dont know what to do...I long for her back.

Customer:

She seems so cold to me, if only there was a one liner that got her attention such that I could then follow it up. the comments that you have put in above would they be ok to put in an email to her. I am virtually frighten to say anything for fear of upsetting her, in the past I felt that she was waiting for me to fail and could then say told you so.. this is a really hard one.. everyone is saying that it is too far gone and all I get from her is too late damage done.. I'm not sure how many opportunities I will have left to talk to her before she leaves me,,

Customer:

Full Size Image

Customer:

I am so sorry but all I am getting is that she needs her space to rebuild her life. And that i am the reason for her unhappiness

Customer:

I am at the lowest possible point ever really don't know what to do

Customer:

I am willing to try anything but I think the odds are against me. I know that she is not in

Customer:

Involved with any one else, so I really do need to do something really amazing.

Customer:

She does want space and feel that I can not support her in this as i would manipulate and wrong. Do my question is how do I support her

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi as if it couldnt get any worse it did, I have to move back in to the home. as a result she is now moving out before I get home taking my son with her. I am absolutely devastated she does not want to be in the same home as me and is looking to go and insists that I put some distance between her and me,


I really dont know where to from here

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I wanted to share this web site with you because I feel it will really help you understand what she is going through and how to help her through this process. He emotions are going in so many directions and even though she feels you might the the cause of her unhappiness, I do not feel she understands her emotions right now. It is hard for her to know the difference in what she is going though and what she truly feels. She is just as confused as you. She is trying to figure out why she all of a sudden feels this way, but she is also trying to figure out what her next step is in her life. She feels that if she takes that space she will begin to heal, but that is not true, she needs to resolve her issues with you in order to feel better. She can not run from all theses issues, she has to talk about them, so that she can understand them. It is important to know the changes your body is going through. Women do not always understand why they feel the way they do when they begin to start menopause and it takes time to understand this new you. She is becoming a different person, but you also have to accept this new person and learn how to understand who she is now. Your love for each other is there but she is just having trouble understanding herself. You need to ask her to stay. http://menopause.about.com/od/copingwithmenopause/a/Helpful_Spouse.htm

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