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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi there further to my questions, the girlfriend has moved

Customer Question

Hi there further to my questions, the girlfriend has moved out now and I am having to look at putting the family home on the market or buy her out. She wouldnt listen to anything I said other than she sees me as being the main reason for the stress and unhappiness in her life. She has had one session of counselling and my thoughts are that this may have brought all her anger to the top and as before she is focused on me as being the reason. So I am not going to win this, until she reflects on her illness and the impact it will have.
Its is a shame but I have no route into her.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question. When people first go to counseling they begin to open up and understand their feelings, but during that process a lot of emotions come out.

Dear XXXXX :

Right now her counseling has pulled many emotions out of her and now she is trying to bring those emotions to the surface. Once all her emotions are brought to the surface she will begin to heal step by step.

Dear XXXXX :

She needs to see that everything she has gone through is why she is feeling the way she does.

Dear XXXXX :

She thinks that you are the cause of her stress, but she is just having trouble understanding her emotions. Also often times people tend to want to blame others when they are upset.

Dear XXXXX :

Some times people want to blame others because they do not want to admit to themselves that they have a problem.

Dear XXXXX :

I want you to ask her if you could go to one of her session in her counseling so that you both can work through the issues she has with you.

Dear XXXXX :

It is important for both sides to be heard, so that the counselor can help resolve the issues she is having with you.

Dear XXXXX :

Right now she does not know why she is unhappy and she is trying to figure out why she feels this way.

Dear XXXXX :

But she wants to know the reason and she is searching for a solution.

Dear XXXXX :

She feels if she needs to move out to get some space.

Dear XXXXX :

But that will not solve the problem that is only her not facing the problems that she needs to face.

Dear XXXXX :

She needs to tell you why she feelings you are the main cause of her stress, not just say you are the one she feels causes her stress.

Dear XXXXX :

If she breaks down why she feels this way you can fix the problem.

Dear XXXXX :

She needs to let you work on the things she has a problem with. You can not fix the things that happened in the past, but you can find the solutions today and create that relationship she is looking for from you.

Dear XXXXX :

I would talk too her about waiting on selling the house and tell her why. Explain that you feel you can get your life back together and be happy again and you are willing to wait for her.

Dear XXXXX :

Explain that you are willing to take things slow and let her heal. Explain that no matter what happens that you are their for her and that you never want to lose her from your life. She needs to see that you are there for her and you are not going anywhere. Also see if you can get her to go out so that you both can talk things out. If she doesn't agree to going out to talk, then she just needs time to get her thoughts in order.

Dear XXXXX :

But make sure that you are communicating with her asking her how she is doing even if she does not answer. You need to show her that you are their for her.

Customer:

Martin Looks like I wasn't the only one who neglected you
Jackie Nope
Martin But it does not have to be repeated any more
Martin It has to stop now
Jackie Too late damage done
Martin Never too late
Martin Things were allowed to get on top of us. Priorities muddled. Little Things let slide by unnoticed.
Martin Depression is an terrible thing to suffer from. We both have been through the wars. You may be longer than me.
Martin I do want to help you through this. I do want to support you. Hopefully we can both get through this cloud.
Martin Counselling should help
Martin Did you manage to get an appointment
Martin I was amazing before I can be again..xx now that we don't have all the pressures that we did before.
Jackie Enough texts?? I have an appt Wednesday. Am working from home.
Martin Sorry
Martin Just worried about you
Jackie Don't be
Martin Well I am I care about you
Martin Love you lots. Anyway nite x
Jackie Nite
Martin Hi ya
Martin What time is teachers evening
Jackie No idea he hadn't brought the time sheet yet
Martin Okay when you find out please could you let me know I want to be there
Jackie 1 at 4.20 he hadn't got the other times !
Martin All the best today I hope that you can get some help. Please do tell them all about your childhood matter what I still think worth it.
Martin Damn phone sent early
Martin X
Martin See you tonight at home if ok we can go together
Jackie What time are you getting here?
Martin On way home now
Martin Would you like anything brought in
Martin Fish and chips
Jackie No thanks
Martin Frozen lol
Jackie Sorry to hear you have got depression, I assume you have got some tablets from dr C? We both need time apart to get ourselves back to normal without pulling chunks out of each other. We need to discuss how we do this.
Martin Time apart in what sense
Martin I want to support you through this. Being a part won't help
Martin Please can you honestly answer the next question.
Martin Are you in contact with any one else.
Jackie The thing is you are what is stressing me out and making me unhappy. I feel you're spiteful and show me no respect. And no hand on heart there is no one else involved in this . I promise thAt.
Martin I understand that and am looking to change all of it. I want to be able to make a difference to your life. We have been and are going through so much to chuck it away.
Martin We need to talk but not alone as I feel that we don't understand what is being said. I want a person in the middle.
Jackie Nothing we do now is undo able, I just am
Sure we need a lot of space between us. You need to get yourself better and happy and so do I. I know I can't do that with you right now. Bit by bit of me has been torn away and I need to put myself back together.
Martin It is but that is because you are suffering so much and have been alone with out me there to support you properly. I didn't understand. I was bitter and spiteful. That person is gone for good. I am going to be a great dad and partner. You can believe that.
Martin Now is the best time for us to go we know so much more about each other
Jackie That and your behaviour, living on eggshells fur so long has taken its toll on me and I am empty. There is nothing left of me now and I dont care what you do as nothing you do now will hurt me as I won't let it. I know I have to put myself first now before I br
Martin I need help with this it is all new to me. I have done so many things wrong. I am sorry for upsetting you tell me how to support you. I really really do want to help and keep us all together.
Martin Lol
Martin Sorry for the lol
Martin Predicted
Martin Kicked in
Jackie You can support me by leaving me alone and let me deal with myself. I want no interference from you as it just sets me back. I appreciate you can't live in a hotel for months so I think the house needs to go on the market as I can't afford it alone.
Martin You are so wrong i can and will b there for you
Martin Please don't do this.
Jackie I'm not talking in the phone mum and Jamie are here
Martin Okay
Martin Sorry didn't realise
XXXXX XXXXXsten I don't want you here for me, I want my head straight without your jibes and unpleasantness . I need space
Jackie Didn't realise what
Martin Mum was at home
Martin We can both make it easier
Jackie How
Martin I will have to be better than ever
Jackie I've heard it all before
Martin Maybe
Martin But not with such conviction now
Martin I will really surprise you and make you so proud of me
Jackie Regardless of that I still need time to get myself back and happy. I need to do that on my own and my way
Martin I appreciate that
Martin And you more than you think
Martin I will be there to pick you up
Jackie I don't need picking up
Martin In the nicest possible way l
Jackie YeH! Nite nite
Martin Nite nite
Jackie Mum needs to know what she is doing Monday are you having Jamie? Ta
Martin I will be back on Saturday, we will talk about it then.
Martin Also I will be home lunchtime on Monday
Jackie Back for how long?
Martin Ever i will not be leaving
Martin No more hotels
Jackie Ok Jamie and I will be moving out then
Martin Bit drastic but if that is what you want
Martin What did you think I was going to do. I cannot afford hotels
Jackie I said thT last night and wanted to discuss it. The house needs to go on the market you are pushing me in a corner and I'm not allowing it. So much for your changing!
Martin When are you looking to move out
Martin I am changing
Martin You have misunderstood i need to come home until the house is sorted. What did you think I was going to do
Jackie As soon as I will. All the estate agent today and get a valuation ASAP 

You're not changing your the same manipulating bulky you have always been. I knew it was beyond you changing.
Martin I don't understand how you have managed to read it like that.
Martin You are really mixed up, I feel so sorry that you can see it as that.
Jackie I tell you last night I need a lot if space and time away from you to sort myself out . And the next day your moving back in! How the f**k am i supposed to read it. I'm so f**king done with you, you have pushed me for the last time
Martin I am sorry but I don't have any accommodation available.
Jackie You can't rent something for 6 months
Martin Not at this short notice
Jackie Don't bother I'll go but I want that house sold ASAP so I'll tidy it all up tonight and would appreciate you keeping it that way fur viewers
Martin You are really over reacting
Martin I will not be bothering you at all.
Jackie Oh go away you haven't read one mail u sent you last night - same old same old .
Martin I have A
Martin I have to come home
Martin Please understand i am not being horrible.
Jackie Do what you want,I don't care.
Martin I do
Martin Shall I ask your mum to put me up
Jackie No
Martin Then what are my options
Jackie Rent a flat for 6 months
Martin But you should know that I can't get one just like that
Martin And where do I get the money for it
Jackie Well I was going to talk to you about that - won't bother now . What time will you be home tomorrow?
Martin Not sure. .why?
Jackie So u can be gone
Jackie I can be gone
Martin Where will you go
Jackie Not your problem or concern - what time
Martin My son is my concern
Martin Please be reasonable
Martin I want to see my son this weekend please
Jackie No I'm the one who looks after him all the time. You pulled a right stunt tonight des 40th Katie. 30th party and I can't go because you are out and I bet you got a right kick out of putting that on the calendar. U know Jamie doesn't like staying with mum so I'm
Martin It was not
Martin As it happens my night has blown up
Jackie Yes it was how did you think that was going to work? Two of my oldest work friends and I have to blow them out
Martin I wasn't going to be around so didn't think it would matter
Jackie Clearly
Martin Well I was sent away
Jackie Look I'm not interested what time will you be home tomorrow
Jackie No you went off your own back
Martin I was thinking of you you wanted space to think
Jackie Yes and I still do. But that doesn't seem to matter now
Martin It was never going to be for ever but just for a couple of weeks
Jackie Well no matter. Fir the last time when will you be back whT time
Martin I don't know
Jackie Helpful
Martin Jackie you need help this is so over the top
Jackie No it's not I want time away from you. You moving back
Is not giving me that
Martin I will live my own life in the house
Martin Jamie needs to stay in that house he misses me and I miss him. I have no more option but to go home.
Martin I have told your mum so that you can stay at hers
Jackie Stop interfering with what I am doing
Jackie I'll be gone by tomorrow
Martin I need to see that Jamie is okay
Martin He is my son
Jackie I will make sure he's ok I always do. Of course we can sort times out fur you to see him
Martin This is not about you now it's about me and him
Jackie Yes it is and I am the one who picked up the peices when he thought I wasn't ever coming home after your comments about it. You do nothing to protect him from your venom about me no idea about hiw a child might perceive and build something in his head after you
Martin I have been nothing but respectful for you I tried to make it work. What comments are you on about.
Martin I have always told him that you are great
Martin And that i love you
Jackie On 2 occasions he has overheard you saying stuff to mum and on thT night you showed off in my re emotion you told him you did not think I was coming home. Both times I have reassured him.
Jackie I've had to take Harry to the vet this morning as he had an abscess on his face. He's been given a 2 week antibiotic shot and had his face cut to release the poison out. Can you make sure he is kept in at night with the litter tray and the cat flap shut so that
Martin No problem. Thanks M
Jackie I'll be back to take him to the vet Tuesday
Martin Okay
Martin Thank you for taking care of him.
Jackie He was in a right state poor thing. Can you also let me know when the car tax turns up? Ta
Martin Yes of course. And thank you again for looking after him
Martin Say hello to Jamie, i rang earlier but surprisingly got no answer
Jackie I'll get him to call later you his phone is packed.
Martin Okay thanks
Jackie Got you some basics in milk bread bacon pork pies
Martin Thank you much appreciated. If it does not cause any problems. Would Jamie like to watch football at home tonight I will drop him off after wards. No problem if you think it would be issue
Jackie Yep he'd like that what time will you be home?
Jackie Pick Jamie up from mums? Ta
Martin 5 if that is okay
Martin Would you like me to get him something to eat like fish and chips
Jackie Great, see you then at mums
Jackie Just to confirm Jamie is coming home to you after school, I will pick him up in my way home? How's Harry?
Jackie Are you home all day then? Jamie would like to come round and do homework and play on x box.
Martin I am not home yet but should be by 2
Martin Let me check how things are going Brb
Jackie Ah I need to be at jades birthday meal at 2 and need to leave at. 1.15. This won't work. I'll take him with me.
Martin Hi hold the thought I may make it
Jackie Ok let me know ASAP so I can tell Jamie. Cheers
Martin Will do I will move it up a gear here
Jackie Ta
Jackie No I'm gonna drive ta
Martin Okay
Martin On my way home now
Jackie Cool will you pick him up from here?
Jackie ?
Martin Outside
Jackie Cool just popping his shoes on!
Martin Okay i was using the speech to text feature. It can't understand me either
Jackie Lol. He's forgotten his home work I'll send pics if what it is.
Jackie I'll pick Jamie up on my way home. Just had coffee so no more than an hour. Ta
Martin Just put in a pizza for him so please don't rush back
Jackie On way now, can u drop him off later then?
Martin No problems, sorry he has been working and just responded to the question I asked him an hour ago
Jackie Cheers
Jackie Can you send Jamie home with my sage pils in my bedside cabinet cupboard and my big short thick black coat? Ta
Jackie Yep!
Martin Can't find it. .lol
Martin Cat has been sleeping on it and won't let me have it
Jackie Oh and some of my moultin brown bath stuff - couple of bottles
Martin Okay
Martin Hi ya, yes that is correct. Harry is fine and has been asking about you. .
Martin How is he getting on with his homework. He was wondering if he could come round and play on the xbox. I wouldn't mind seeing him again so long as it doesn't cause you any problems.
Martin Your welcome, If I make it back would you like a lift
Martin I will pick you up on you

Customer:

.apologies for the above but I wanted you to see the messages that have been going between us it may give you an idea of the responses that i have been getting. I am no angel in this but cant see how my actions have created this, interesting bits about manipulation and controlling, I suppose the fact that i work so much did have that effect such that she wasnt able to do things and she was effectively captive because i didnt give her the option to go out.

Customer:

apologies but above is the text messages that have been going between us

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question. These text messages are extremely helpful because it helps me see how you interact and the patterns that are created.

Dear XXXXX :

Here is what I see you take on a certain roll in the relationship where you are helpful and you are looking out for her.

Dear XXXXX :

You want her to make sure she is taken care of and does what is best for her. But she takes that in a negative way.

Dear XXXXX :

She wants to do it herself, take care of herself, she wants to be in control of her life. So when you are helping her she takes it as an insult.

Dear XXXXX :

There is a way of handling this situation. You need to just retool your questions and responses so that she feels she is in control of her life right now. It is like she is battling to make her own decisions. This is in no way your fault, this is just her wanting control of her life.

Dear XXXXX :

Let me give you an example. You want her to think she is making all the decisions.

Dear XXXXX :

So If something comes up that is important like counseling which is very important. Instead of saying too her you need counseling. You want to say, do you feel like the counseling will help you. Instead of saying tell the counselor about your childhood. You want to say do you think it would be a good idea to discuss your childhood. You want her to make the decisions because she needs to feel in control.

Dear XXXXX :

When you both discussed your home she was upset because that was something she had no control of and it triggered those emotions that she was not in control.

Dear XXXXX :

When she mentions about living on eggshells that is an example that she felt she needed to walk a fine line in order to keep things calm in the house. So she felt again the life she was living she had no control over.

Dear XXXXX :

You both still have a connection together, that is very clear too me through the texts. You are both good at working things out together and finding solutions. But only when she also has input and you accept what she is saying. She needs to be more involved in decisions so she feels in control.

Dear XXXXX :

Any time you told her this is what you were doing she changed her attitude into a more I will do what I want type attitude.

Dear XXXXX :

This shows me that this all has to do with her wanting more control. So if she feels like she has control over her life then I can see you both taking the steps to reconnecting this relationship. Even if she says things are over and pushes you a way that is her only trying to get control over her life. But if she has more control you will see her begin to come back too you. You want to support her decisions and stand by her in a way where she tells you what she wants in her life.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel this relationship in time will be able to reconnect. The connection is still very much there between you both.

Customer:

unfortunately when I sent that I had a follow up but alas couldnt send it

Customer:

I was going to say that she feels that I put my work ahead of her and that it dominates her life.

Customer:

such that she cannot do anything for it running the house

Customer:

she has another evening when it will be a friends birthday, I was told last time that she had cancelled the night. I know it will seem strange but I feel that I need to learn a new language here.

Customer:

I would like to give her the opportunity fo go out but in a way that would be non confrontational but would give me some credit or show some sign of understanding.

Customer:

Hi ya, I have been trying be understanding with Jackie but she seems hell bent on moving out and selling. I have attached below the latest chat with her these are the only means of communication with her sadly. I am frightened to talk to her for fear of saying the wrong thing and of hearing the wrong thing. I need some way of communicating with her something that will stop the negatives from her, almost like a silver bullet!!! Its a tall ask and its seems so distant at the moment. How do I do this, she has another session wednesday which I am dreading. Its as if the whole menopause episode is ignored.













































































































































































































































































































































































JackieJust to confirm Jamie is coming home to you after school, I will pick him up in my way home? How's Harry?
MartinHi ya, yes that is correct. Harry is fine and has been asking about you. .
MartinHow is he getting on with his homework. He was wondering if he could come round and play on the xbox. I wouldn't mind seeing him again so long as it doesn't cause you any problems.
JackieAre you home all day then? Jamie would like to come round and do homework and play on x box.
MartinI am not home yet but should be by 2
MartinLet me check how things are going Brb
JackieAh I need to be at jades birthday meal at 2 and need to leave at. 1.15. This won't work. I'll take him with me.
MartinHi hold the thought I may make it
JackieOk let me know ASAP so I can tell Jamie. Cheers
MartinWill do I will move it up a gear here
JackieTa
MartinYour welcome, If I make it back would you like a lift
JackieNo I'm gonna drive ta
MartinOkay
MartinOn my way home now
JackieCool will you pick him up from here?
MartinI will pick you up on you
Jackie?
MartinOutside
JackieCool just popping his shoes on!
MartinOkay i was using the speech to text feature. It can't understand me either
JackieLol. He's forgotten his home work I'll send pics if what it is.
JackieI'll pick Jamie up on my way home. Just had coffee so no more than an hour. Ta
MartinJust put in a pizza for him so please don't rush back
JackieOn way now, can u drop him off later then?
MartinNo problems, sorry he has been working and just responded to the question I asked him an hour ago
JackieCheers
JackieCan you send Jamie home with my sage pils in my bedside cabinet cupboard and my big short thick black coat? Ta
JackieYep!
MartinCan't find it. .lol
MartinCat has been sleeping on it and won't let me have it
JackieOh and some of my moultin brown bath stuff - couple of bottles
MartinOkay
JackieAre you at home all day?
JackieYes I'll work from home half a day have holiday the other half xx
JackieHarry's check up appt tom is at 6.00 ta
MartinW
MartinWhat time do you want me to drop Jamie off
Jackie7 please
MartinNot sure think someone may be waiting for the second of the text msgs
JackieWhat?
MartinIs it for work
JackieWhat r u talking about ?
MartinNothing forget i mentioned it
JackieSo r u dropping Jamie off at 7?
MartinYes
MartinSee you then
MartinLet me know if you need anything brought round
JackieCan you send Jamie home with a brolly for me please, there is one in my top left hand draw with my gloves and hats Ta
JackieAlso has the car tax turned up yet!
JackieAlso, last thing if I have any post. Train
MartinHi Jackie, hope you don't take offense but if you would like a lift to the station or work tomorrow could you please let me know before you go to bed so that I can get up early. It is not a problem. M
JackieIf you could pick Jamie up at 7.20 that would help him out. I'm happy to get the bus. Ta
MartinNo problem, but you don't have to it won't be a problem. But I will leave it up to you.
JackieNo I'm fine, can you check Jamie has left his phone round yours?
MartinOkay
MartinI guess it is on silent
JackieHe thinks it's upstairs
MartinI will look
JackieCan you bring round the spare jag keys please? I think their in the wine rack. Ta
JackieThanks for the keys and picking Jamie up. I would like to get a valuation done next week, I'll pop over with the estate agent.
MartinWe need to talk about this properly
MartinI don't want to rush into this
MartinI am currently undergoing counselling and I would like to focus on it fully please. You may also benefit from a moment of calm. I would like us both to have the opportunity to get our heads together. Its only a suggestion but you may feel that it's relevant.
JackieMy mind is made up to be honest I need my own place. I'm stuck in a house I grew up miserable in with none of my stuff and Jamie's not that pleased either so i need to be settled ASAP.
JackieI don't. You need to be hZppy so sort yourself out. I will deal with the house sale.
MartinI am sorry but I will have to think about this
JackieWhat's to think about? I need the most from the house to move on. I'm not doing this to be nasty I just need to be settled.
MartinI don't want to get into a argument with you. I really want to be with you on this but I feel that there is so much to be sorted first.
JackieThere is nothing my end, I'm done I need to move on.
MartinWe need to finish off our counselling then discuss this rationally.
MartinI am sorry Jackie but I have to go now speak more later
JackieWell I will be getting a valuation next week at some point. There is too much damage done.
Martin.
MartinWell talk later on this. I appreciate it's not what you want to hear. Their are others to consider and I need to know that I have done all that is possible.
JackieConcentrate on making yourself happy not about getting me back
MartinThat would make me happy. .
JackieWouldn't make me happy though
MartinAs we are at the moment I can understand why. .We would both benefit from our counselling and I feel that I would, and you may gain a different perspective on things. I know that I have. I am not saying that it will but it may. Either way the sale will not be o
MartinI am not being horrible but text messages are not the way forward
JackieI can't talk to you right now. I'll stay where I am for as long as it takes but I need to get things Moving
MartinI am not surprised you are most probably have a lot of resentment and anger for me.
JackieIt's beyond that I'm afraid
MartinEnough text messages
MartinFor today thank you
MartinI am sorry
MartinOut of interest when is your next visit
MartinMine are Mondays
JackieWednesday
MartinOkay I hope that it goes well. I would not presume to know about what you are going through. But I am getting an understanding of what the effect of the change has on a person. Along with my attitude around that time and over the years. Anyway wish you well. X
Customer:

I am really up against it now!!!how do I get her to respond positively. Helppppppp

Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.




























































































































































































































Jackie



Let me know know how the cat gets on? Ta



Martin



Will do, I will get him to call you. Lol



Martin



Oh one last thing



Jackie



What



Martin



My counsellor found it extremely helpful to see my dialogue with you and how I was


communicating



Jackie



Ok



Martin



I can send you a copy for your use as well. He noticed things that I hadn't your one may be the


same.


It's just a suggestion. I will send you the text and leave it up to you. X



Jackie



Ok



Martin



Wish me luck with Harry and the box. Lol



Jackie



You'll be fine!



Martin



Jamie if he doesn't have any home work could he come round to play xbox



Martin



Still waiting for the vet



Jackie



He has loads of homework. Mum has him at the moment.



Martin



Oh okay. Never mind



Martin



If he needs help you can ask him to give me a call



Jackie



Sure



Martin



You should be home soon so most probably be okay



Martin



Cat is fine



Martin



I will let Jamie know



Jackie



Cool ta



Martin



How is the car



Jackie



£300 I'll pick it up in the morning, drivers side needs doing too as it's not great



Martin



Sorry to hear that.



Martin



If you don't mind I would like to take Jamie football tomorrow.



Martin



I will get him fed and back to you at what ever time you say



Jackie



Yep sounds good what time will you pick him
Up as I won't be home ?



Martin



I could get him at 5 does that sound okay



Jackie



Yep from mums?



Martin



Yes



Martin



I will drop her off as well



Martin



How does that sound okay



Jackie



Great ill let her know



Jackie



Text. Her I'm sure it will be fine



Martin



Okay



Martin



You okay to let Jamie know



Jackie



Yes



Martin



If the car isn't ready till tomorrow shall I get Jamie in the morning for you



Jackie



No I'll get it on the way
 Ta



Martin



No I mean do you want me to drop Jamie off round jacks



Jackie



No I'll do it in the way



Martin



Ok



Jackie



Can you pick Jamie up for footballers mums do he can be there for. 5. 50 and bring him home for.


8.30 /9 do I can go to see my councillor and be home on time ? Ta



Jackie



Actually make it 8.45 - 9 I'm out if there at 8.30



Martin



No problem at all if you want he can stay here and go to school from here. You won't have to rush.


If you want and it makes it easier. M



Jackie



All his stuff is here so if you could bring him home at 8.45 that would be good ta



Martin



Okay not a problem.



Jackie



Ta



Martin



I will send the email to you with the text messages tonight.



Jackie



Ta I won't be able to pick them up till I get to work



Martin



Would you like me to print them off and drop it off tomorrow when I pick Jamie up.


In a envelope off course.



Jackie



Sure



Martin



You must be tired I let you go now. Take care x



Jackie



Night



Martin



Nite


Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi sorry for the texts messages but its a way of showing you how our conversations go.


 


Below is the follow on from the one above.


 






























































































































































































































Jackie



Let me know know how the cat gets on? Ta



Martin



Will do, I will get him to call you. Lol



Martin



Oh one last thing



Jackie



What



Martin



My counsellor found it extremely helpful to see my dialogue with you and how I was


communicating



Jackie



Ok



Martin



I can send you a copy for your use as well. He noticed things that I hadn't your one may be the


same.


It's just a suggestion. I will send you the text and leave it up to you. X



Jackie



Ok



Martin



Wish me luck with Harry and the box. Lol



Jackie



You'll be fine!



Martin



Jamie if he doesn't have any home work could he come round to play xbox



Martin



Still waiting for the vet



Jackie



He has loads of homework. Mum has him at the moment.



Martin



Oh okay. Never mind



Martin



If he needs help you can ask him to give me a call



Jackie



Sure



Martin



You should be home soon so most probably be okay



Martin



Cat is fine



Martin



I will let Jamie know



Jackie



Cool ta



Martin



How is the car



Jackie



£300 I'll pick it up in the morning, drivers side needs doing too as it's not great



Martin



Sorry to hear that.



Martin



If you don't mind I would like to take Jamie football tomorrow.



Martin



I will get him fed and back to you at what ever time you say



Jackie



Yep sounds good what time will you pick him
Up as I won't be home ?



Martin



I could get him at 5 does that sound okay



Jackie



Yep from mums?



Martin



Yes



Martin



I will drop her off as well



Martin



How does that sound okay



Jackie



Great ill let her know



Jackie



Text. Her I'm sure it will be fine



Martin



Okay



Martin



You okay to let Jamie know



Jackie



Yes



Martin



If the car isn't ready till tomorrow shall I get Jamie in the morning for you



Jackie



No I'll get it on the way
 Ta



Martin



No I mean do you want me to drop Jamie off round jacks



Jackie



No I'll do it in the way



Martin



Ok



Jackie



Can you pick Jamie up for footballers mums do he can be there for. 5. 50 and bring him home for.


8.30 /9 do I can go to see my councillor and be home on time ? Ta



Jackie



Actually make it 8.45 - 9 I'm out if there at 8.30



Martin



No problem at all if you want he can stay here and go to school from here. You won't have to rush.


If you want and it makes it easier. M



Jackie



All his stuff is here so if you could bring him home at 8.45 that would be good ta



Martin



Okay not a problem.



Jackie



Ta



Martin



I will send the email to you with the text messages tonight.



Jackie



Ta I won't be able to pick them up till I get to work



Martin



Would you like me to print them off and drop it off tomorrow when I pick Jamie up.


In a envelope off course.



Jackie



Sure



Martin



You must be tired I let you go now. Take care x



Jackie



Night



Martin



Nite


Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your question. This text message is excellent. You both are working together. You are making suggestions and asking her if that would be ok. That is what she needs to be in control over her life. If you can see because you have communicated with her and let her make choices, you both are getting a long very well. You both are working together like a team. You both are doing the right thing and I feel that this relationship will work with two people just each having control over their life. She needed that space to understand that she needed to step away to get her life back on track. She felt like she had no control over her life or emotions. Now she is getting the guy she has always wanted. She is going to see the changes in you and know that things could be given a second chance. But give her time. It is important that she knows she is in control of her life making decisions. I believe that communication is key in this relationship. Letting each other having an opinion and understanding each other better. Just on that text message alone I can see that you both are learning how to communicate correctly and that she is working with you to create the best life. These are the first steps to redeveloping this relationship.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

The thing that makes me anxious is that i am still being given the cold shoulder and that she seems hell bent on selling and moving on without me. i would like her back and want her to engage in that with me. i want to get the message across to her thatI am looking to help her. She has another session tonight so am expecting some fall out tomorrow and Friday.. i still think a miracle is needed.


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your question. The more you push that subject on the house, the more she will get defensive. You need to tell her that what she feels is the best decisions for her. This will help her feel like she is in control of her life and that she has a decisions. I feel that given this decisions she will change her mind and think about reconnecting this relationship. You want to tell her what ever decision she makes you are her to support her. She already knows what you want to do and now it is up too her to have that speak to decide. I believe she has no idea what she wants to do because there are still feelings there. So you both need to reconnect those feelings.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I do understand this but she wants the estate agent round next week she will accompany them and wants to control the sale which will mean a quick one . She seems so clear in what she wants. I am frigthened that I will looking for a new home really soon and I will be put int the recycle bin. All I am getting is damage done too late move on.. i cant see anything in her texts to encourage me. She is not even acknoledging the menopause. i really hope her counsellor raises and is on par with you.. Sorry to go on but I am really trying to see hope but cant.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
It sounds like she is trying to move on from the house. Maybe she wants to start over somewhere else together. This is common people have bad memories somewhere so they want to move away from it and start over. I would suggest too her if you both sold the house could you both buy a new house together and start again new. I think she can no longer be in the home with you. I think she is thinking fresh start.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She won't buy another house with me. So what do you think of my chances of getting back are now. If it is a fresh start it would appear it will not feature me. .I have lost her forever

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
She needs that time to figure things out within herself. She right now has no plans for you and her to love together. But some times people live apart and continue to date. This can happen where two people start at the beginning. They live in separate places even after they use to live together. They begin dating again. Some people love each other so much but have trouble living together. This is a matter of you both starting over and I feel she will not rush things.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

So does the menopause feature in this at all or just a coincidence. I was nievely thinking that this was a contributory factor to us failing and that I may with her counselling be able to recover some ground. From the messages that I have sent you do you see any hope there. Should I face it and move on.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Thank your or your question. Menopause did play a factor in her changing. Women go through many changes when they go through menopause. Their emotions are not the same and their body is going through many changes. It is a difficult time to go through all these emotions. I do see a lot of hope in this relationship. I see two people that just need to work things out. The major thing I see is her being able to control her own life. She needs to feel in control, so you want to make sure you are working together 50/50 so that she feels like she is in control of her own life. Once she sees the changes I feel she will look at the relationship differently.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Debra,


Thank you for being there for me I am climbing walls here trying to make sense of this. I have so much that I want to say to jackie but feel gagged because I am afraid that I may say the wrong thing or it in the wrong way. I feel so insecure over this. I dont know how to get the message over to her that she should be taking it all into account how she feels but as you can see from the text messages I seem to have been singled out as the culprit for her unhappiness. Mind you it was the first counselling session that she had had. She will have 6 in total and in just as many weeks. So I suppose if I can last the distance I may have something at the end. But she is talking about going away with others without me.So where do I start, I am so unprepared for this. She has changed so much not necessarily for the better my son has even noticed. She has a friend who is a single mum with a son who goes to the same school as ours. She is effectively her new best friend and I feel threatened by her I dont want jackie to end up like her, but can see the allure of the single life. I dont want to go this way. My son has noticed that she had changed since she knew her and he doesnt like it. Hes not to happy about going away without me as well or going away with the other lad as he can be a bit over the top.

I do find your responses inspiring and they give me hope, But as I mentioned I am so out of my depth on this I just cant see how I can influence things. Its as if there is a shield around her and I cant get to her


although she did say that i brought her back down as she tries to build her self



Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
One thing I want you to do is not to be afraid on what to say too her. You want to be able to speak your mind because you do not want her having all the control over the relationship. It needs to work 50/ 50 in order for it to work. When someone has more control one the relationship then that person will continue to take more control and the balance will be thrown off. You want to tell her how you feel and not be afraid of her reaction because she needs rot also see the real you. This new mum she met will have some influence on her because she is going though a time in her life that she does not ant to face. When someone does not want to face certain parts of their life they tend to avoid them and just be something they are not. They push all problems aside, blocking them out. This is why it is important that she continues to express how she feels, you do not want her to avoid these issues. She is going away and that is her way of escaping everything that is going on. Getting away from your problems is ok for a little while, but when you come back they are still there and need to be address. You wish her the best on her trip and tell her you will see her when she gets back. You want to support her doing things. But you also want her to know that you will be there when she gets back.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Debra,


You fill me with hope all the time, I am sorry that I am not a normal client but this is all new to me so am having to be hand lead. Below is more texts I am afraid its the only communication i have with her.


 





































































































































































































































































































8 Mar 2014 11:10:30:Jackie:I'm popping to the house to get a few things Jamie needs. Just to let you know. I won't run my fingers over the surfaces !
8 Mar 2014 12:11:21:Martin:No problem I have popped out. It is a work in progress .
8 Mar 2014 12:12:02:Martin:Popped being shopping then work
8 Mar 2014 12:14:02:Jackie:Ok!!
8 Mar 2014 12:14:47:Martin:It is wash day
8 Mar 2014 12:15:14:Jackie:Nice out
8 Mar 2014 15:11:58:Martin:It is a lovely day
8 Mar 2014 15:13:23:Martin:I am back now if Jamie wants to come round
8 Mar 2014 15:19:45:Jackie:We are off round Lorraine's for dinner fajitas fur Kelly's birthday
8 Mar 2014 15:20:21:Martin:No worries
9 Mar 2014 09:19:20:Jackie:The Gardner starts back round Friday 14th march. Can you remember to leave the back gate open and leave £15 and a black sack out fir him please? Tel number is 693813 if there is a problem and you don't want it done. Ta
9 Mar 2014 09:54:04:Martin:I will thanks, hope you had a good time you two have so much in common now. .lol
9 Mar 2014 10:04:14:Jackie:We always had loads in common and that's why we were friends
9 Mar 2014 10:05:00:Martin:Good it just got better eh!
9 Mar 2014 10:17:08:Martin:Doing bacon rolls want one
9 Mar 2014 10:23:34:Jackie:No thanks eating toast
9 Mar 2014 10:24:54:Martin:Ok
9 Mar 2014 10:32:52:Martin:It's a lovely day, you up to much
9 Mar 2014 10:33:35:Jackie:Not just yet Jamie is doing his homework
9 Mar 2014 10:35:06:Martin:Was thinking of going cafe if you fancy it
9 Mar 2014 10:35:37:Jackie:No thanks
9 Mar 2014 10:36:21:Martin:Ok
9 Mar 2014 10:46:10:Jackie:Can you pop round and collect Jamie he needs wifi to do some homework?
9 Mar 2014 10:50:27:Martin:No problem I will be round in a minute
9 Mar 2014 10:54:49:Jackie:If you can can you do it soon as he says he has quite a bit to do?
9 Mar 2014 11:04:06:Jackie:Thanks. I'm gonna pop out for a walk, let me know when he wants to come home. I can collect it you can drop?
9 Mar 2014 13:49:05:Jackie:Can you drop Jamie back by 6 for his dinner please? Don't let him eat too many crisis and stuff ta!
9 Mar 2014 13:55:46:Martin:I have just given him nuggets and wedges
9 Mar 2014 14:02:05:Jackie:Cool dint let him eat anymore! Ta
9 Mar 2014 14:50:52:Jackie:Can you send Jamie home with my passport ? I need to collect a package and need the id ta
9 Mar 2014 15:00:14:Martin:No problem, could you let me have the spare key back to the jag ta
9 Mar 2014 15:02:50:Jackie:Sure
10 Mar 2014 11:43:09:Jackie:Hi any chance you can have Jamie at yours overnight on 27th? Dept end of year party at work? Ta
10 Mar 2014 11:45:27:Martin:I will let you know.
10 Mar 2014 11:46:34:Jackie:Ta. No worries if you can't I'll get mum to stay over and I'll stay up. Can you let me know ASAP so I can sort a room out and let her know.
10 Mar 2014 17:26:56:Jackie:just popping to Lakeside are you going out tonight. ? Or do I need to pick Jamie up at a certain time ? Ta
10 Mar 2014 17:27:23:Jackie:just popping to Lakeside are you going out tonight. ? Or do I need to pick Jamie up at a certain time ? Ta
10 Mar 2014 17:28:03:Martin:No it's okay I have no plans tonight so can accommodate
10 Mar 2014 17:28:30:Jackie:Cool
10 Mar 2014 18:25:37:Jackie:On way home
10 Mar 2014 18:25:58:Martin:Okay
10 Mar 2014 18:58:39:Jackie:Outside
11 Mar 2014 08:33:11:Martin:Traffic bad what's up
11 Mar 2014 08:34:36:Jackie:Broken down tanker around
11 Mar 2014 08:34:52:Jackie:Brentwood
11 Mar 2014 13:57:49:Martin:Would you like to take the latest texts with you to your counsellor.
11 Mar 2014 13:59:48:Jackie:No she said as they are not complete it gives the wrong context to them.
11 Mar 2014 14:06:04:Martin:Oh okay
11 Mar 2014 14:11:17:Martin:Mine saw something in them, but told me off for sending them in the first place I should be talking to you as they are so impersonal and you cannot see the sincerity of me. If it would help I can check the back ups, it's the least I can do.
11 Mar 2014 15:03:58:Jackie:Sorry in between meetings I'll come back to this soon
11 Mar 2014 15:07:10:Martin:No problem whatever I can do just let me know I will try my best
11 Mar 2014 18:33:00:Jackie:Got it x
11 Mar 2014 18:36:12:Jackie:Are you taking Jamie football training tomorrow night?
11 Mar 2014 18:36:51:Martin:Good hopefully it will help find some answers. Without being intrusive let me know if I can help.
11 Mar 2014 18:37:09:Martin:I am taking Jamie football training
11 Mar 2014 18:37:50:Jackie:Sorry that got it was for Jamie !
11 Mar 2014 18:38:50:Jackie:Thanks fur the footy
11 Mar 2014 18:39:35:Martin:Oh:-(
11 Mar 2014 18:40:38:Martin:Shame
11 Mar 2014 18:45:44:Martin:I have sent you the texts again but have put them in the right order
11 Mar 2014 19:01:29:Jackie:I cant read them as I can't access any emails at the moment.
11 Mar 2014 19:06:43:Martin:No problem I sent it to both home and office email. What time is your appointment I can get you a copy
11 Mar 2014 19:23:01:Jackie:No I'm fine. Will you pick Jamie up from mums? What time?
11 Mar 2014 19:48:42:Martin:Yes I have spoken to him and your mum already
11 Mar 2014 19:51:30:Jackie:Cool
12 Mar 2014 08:55:57:Jackie:I have just been to the house and burst into tears. For the first time ever I am so ashamed of our house. It smells like a toilet, there is cat food all over the floors, the floor in the kitchen is broken, food and stains all over the kitchen cupboard doors, sink is awful and there is just mess everywhere and the work tops are covered In mess and sugar. It breaks my heart all the effort I put into keeping that house lovely and what a waste of money that was spent doing it up. I need to ask if you can move out fir a couple of days so I can get it cleaned properly. Do you have no pride in what was our home?
12 Mar 2014 09:32:48:Martin:I do I didn't get in till late and the cat did that this morning. I broke the lip last night. I am sorry it will be done when I get home tonight. Please don't despair I am sorry and do care.
12 Mar 2014 09:33:22:Martin:No I will do it
12 Mar 2014 09:38:46:Martin:I was in tesco's last night buying stuff
12 Mar 2014 09:43:01:Martin:I will be home lunchtime today to sort it out.
12 Mar 2014 09:52:49:Martin:On way home now
12 Mar 2014 12:00:50:Martin:I am sorry for upsetting you, I do care about your feelings very much so. Also I didn't respond to a previous text I do not have any venomous comments about you, if anything the opposite and am understanding of what you are going through at the moment.
12 Mar 2014 12:20:48:Jackie:You say all that but your actions say the opposite
12 Mar 2014 12:46:26:Martin:In what way.
12 Mar 2014 13:17:51:Jackie:This is what you said to me a week ago: I have just been looking round the house, so so sorry I haven't been a tidy person eh! You must have despaired at it all. I am going to have a rethink and start the purge.

And it was worse than ever.
12 Mar 2014 13:18:15:Jackie:You also said that you wanted to give me space and then moved straight back in after
12 Mar 2014 14:59:58:Jackie:Jamie won't be home from bowling until about. 4.30 do can you pick him up for footy about 5.40? Ta
12 Mar 2014 15:14:31:Martin:The things that you found had only just happened. I noticed the small so put the cat litter tray out. The cups and stuff was waiting to go in dishwasher. The floor was a mess because I had just fed the cat and it had just been eating. I had only just bought the cleaning stuff the night before and couldn't find a mop. The one that we have doesn't have the right cleaning solution. I am making changes to my life and it is not easily done.
12 Mar 2014 15:14:56:Martin:I will pick him up at that time
12 Mar 2014 15:16:38:Martin:Oh and the wood bar broke that night as I was bringing in the shopping. All of which could only happen to me at the moment.
12 Mar 2014 15:43:51:Jackie:What's that for?
12 Mar 2014 16:21:35:Martin:It shows what I bought and when. Just showing you that I was working on cleaning up the house. .nothing nasty in it. .
12 Mar 2014 16:23:46:Jackie:Never said it was nasty , just disappointing. It didn't get like that overnight. There is plenty of cleaning stuff in the house.
12 Mar 2014 16:24:29:Martin:I am sorry
12 Mar 2014 16:25:09:Martin:But those things that you found effectively did happen overnight.
12 Mar 2014 16:25:20:Jackie:I know but you're always sorry and that's my point. It's so stressful
12 Mar 2014 16:26:07:Jackie:They were like it last week Martin
12 Mar 2014 16:26:44:Martin:Well it doesn't mean that I don't care about it. I only use it when I mean it.
12 Mar 2014 16:27:37:Martin:I had clean up since the cat does it on purpose. I not having the tray anymore
12 Mar 2014 16:28:20:Martin:I have been burning candles all day long
12 Mar 2014 16:28:40:Martin:Hopefully the smell will go
12 Mar 2014 16:29:41:Jackie:Can you get Jamie now he needs some bits at home and wants a shower? Ta
12 Mar 2014 16:30:04:Martin:Of course I will be around in a minute.
12 Mar 2014 16:30:37:Jackie:Thanks
13 Mar 2014 13:30:39:Jackie:Hi, will you be picking Jamie up from mums tomorrow night? What sort of time? Ta
13 Mar 2014 13:31:41:Martin:I will speak to her about it.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your question. I see things differently when it comes to cleaning the house. I know you are looking at it as a disappointment that she feels with you. But I see things in a new way. I feel that she is trying for an excuse to go to the house. This gives her a way of almost like taking care of you. It is her showing you that she cares about the house and you still. It is her way of helping you out and being there for you on her own terms. This is a very good sign. I see improvement already. She is not so stand offish and more. It seems more like she is trying to get closer too you, but without you noticing. That is why she is making excuses like cleaning the house. I see some changes here. You need to keep doing what your doing. Her quoting things you said too her was also a good sign. She is reassuring what you are saying too her to see if you still mean what you said. That is why she is still saying your actions are saying something else. So she needs to know your true feelings.

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