Thank you for your question. When people first go to counseling they begin to open up and understand their feelings, but during that process a lot of emotions come out.
Right now her counseling has pulled many emotions out of her and now she is trying to bring those emotions to the surface. Once all her emotions are brought to the surface she will begin to heal step by step.
She needs to see that everything she has gone through is why she is feeling the way she does.
She thinks that you are the cause of her stress, but she is just having trouble understanding her emotions. Also often times people tend to want to blame others when they are upset.
Some times people want to blame others because they do not want to admit to themselves that they have a problem.
I want you to ask her if you could go to one of her session in her counseling so that you both can work through the issues she has with you.
It is important for both sides to be heard, so that the counselor can help resolve the issues she is having with you.
Right now she does not know why she is unhappy and she is trying to figure out why she feels this way.
But she wants to know the reason and she is searching for a solution.
She feels if she needs to move out to get some space.
But that will not solve the problem that is only her not facing the problems that she needs to face.
She needs to tell you why she feelings you are the main cause of her stress, not just say you are the one she feels causes her stress.
If she breaks down why she feels this way you can fix the problem.
She needs to let you work on the things she has a problem with. You can not fix the things that happened in the past, but you can find the solutions today and create that relationship she is looking for from you.
I would talk too her about waiting on selling the house and tell her why. Explain that you feel you can get your life back together and be happy again and you are willing to wait for her.
Explain that you are willing to take things slow and let her heal. Explain that no matter what happens that you are their for her and that you never want to lose her from your life. She needs to see that you are there for her and you are not going anywhere. Also see if you can get her to go out so that you both can talk things out. If she doesn't agree to going out to talk, then she just needs time to get her thoughts in order.
But make sure that you are communicating with her asking her how she is doing even if she does not answer. You need to show her that you are their for her.
Martin Looks like I wasn't the only one who neglected youJackie NopeMartin But it does not have to be repeated any moreMartin It has to stop nowJackie Too late damage doneMartin Never too lateMartin Things were allowed to get on top of us. Priorities muddled. Little Things let slide by unnoticed. Martin Depression is an terrible thing to suffer from. We both have been through the wars. You may be longer than me. Martin I do want to help you through this. I do want to support you. Hopefully we can both get through this cloud. Martin Counselling should helpMartin Did you manage to get an appointmentMartin I was amazing before I can be again..xx now that we don't have all the pressures that we did before. Jackie Enough texts?? I have an appt Wednesday. Am working from home.Martin SorryMartin Just worried about youJackie Don't beMartin Well I am I care about youMartin Love you lots. Anyway nite xJackie NiteMartin Hi yaMartin What time is teachers eveningJackie No idea he hadn't brought the time sheet yetMartin Okay when you find out please could you let me know I want to be thereJackie 1 at 4.20 he hadn't got the other times !Martin All the best today I hope that you can get some help. Please do tell them all about your childhood matter what I still think worth it. Martin Damn phone sent earlyMartin XMartin See you tonight at home if ok we can go togetherJackie What time are you getting here?Martin On way home nowMartin Would you like anything brought inMartin Fish and chipsJackie No thanksMartin Frozen lolJackie Sorry to hear you have got depression, I assume you have got some tablets from dr C? We both need time apart to get ourselves back to normal without pulling chunks out of each other. We need to discuss how we do this.Martin Time apart in what senseMartin I want to support you through this. Being a part won't helpMartin Please can you honestly answer the next question. Martin Are you in contact with any one else. Jackie The thing is you are what is stressing me out and making me unhappy. I feel you're spiteful and show me no respect. And no hand on heart there is no one else involved in this . I promise thAt.Martin I understand that and am looking to change all of it. I want to be able to make a difference to your life. We have been and are going through so much to chuck it away. Martin We need to talk but not alone as I feel that we don't understand what is being said. I want a person in the middle. Jackie Nothing we do now is undo able, I just am Sure we need a lot of space between us. You need to get yourself better and happy and so do I. I know I can't do that with you right now. Bit by bit of me has been torn away and I need to put myself back together.Martin It is but that is because you are suffering so much and have been alone with out me there to support you properly. I didn't understand. I was bitter and spiteful. That person is gone for good. I am going to be a great dad and partner. You can believe that. Martin Now is the best time for us to go we know so much more about each otherJackie That and your behaviour, living on eggshells fur so long has taken its toll on me and I am empty. There is nothing left of me now and I dont care what you do as nothing you do now will hurt me as I won't let it. I know I have to put myself first now before I brMartin I need help with this it is all new to me. I have done so many things wrong. I am sorry for upsetting you tell me how to support you. I really really do want to help and keep us all together. Martin LolMartin Sorry for the lolMartin PredictedMartin Kicked inJackie You can support me by leaving me alone and let me deal with myself. I want no interference from you as it just sets me back. I appreciate you can't live in a hotel for months so I think the house needs to go on the market as I can't afford it alone.Martin You are so wrong i can and will b there for youMartin Please don't do this. Jackie I'm not talking in the phone mum and Jamie are hereMartin OkayMartin Sorry didn't realiseXXXXX XXXXXsten I don't want you here for me, I want my head straight without your jibes and unpleasantness . I need spaceJackie Didn't realise whatMartin Mum was at homeMartin We can both make it easierJackie HowMartin I will have to be better than everJackie I've heard it all beforeMartin MaybeMartin But not with such conviction nowMartin I will really surprise you and make you so proud of meJackie Regardless of that I still need time to get myself back and happy. I need to do that on my own and my wayMartin I appreciate thatMartin And you more than you thinkMartin I will be there to pick you upJackie I don't need picking upMartin In the nicest possible way lJackie YeH! Nite niteMartin Nite nite Jackie Mum needs to know what she is doing Monday are you having Jamie? TaMartin I will be back on Saturday, we will talk about it then. Martin Also I will be home lunchtime on MondayJackie Back for how long?Martin Ever i will not be leavingMartin No more hotelsJackie Ok Jamie and I will be moving out thenMartin Bit drastic but if that is what you wantMartin What did you think I was going to do. I cannot afford hotelsJackie I said thT last night and wanted to discuss it. The house needs to go on the market you are pushing me in a corner and I'm not allowing it. So much for your changing!Martin When are you looking to move outMartin I am changingMartin You have misunderstood i need to come home until the house is sorted. What did you think I was going to doJackie As soon as I will. All the estate agent today and get a valuation ASAP You're not changing your the same manipulating bulky you have always been. I knew it was beyond you changing.Martin I don't understand how you have managed to read it like that. Martin You are really mixed up, I feel so sorry that you can see it as that. Jackie I tell you last night I need a lot if space and time away from you to sort myself out . And the next day your moving back in! How the f**k am i supposed to read it. I'm so f**king done with you, you have pushed me for the last timeMartin I am sorry but I don't have any accommodation available. Jackie You can't rent something for 6 monthsMartin Not at this short noticeJackie Don't bother I'll go but I want that house sold ASAP so I'll tidy it all up tonight and would appreciate you keeping it that way fur viewersMartin You are really over reactingMartin I will not be bothering you at all. Jackie Oh go away you haven't read one mail u sent you last night - same old same old .Martin I have AMartin I have to come homeMartin Please understand i am not being horrible. Jackie Do what you want,I don't care.Martin I doMartin Shall I ask your mum to put me upJackie NoMartin Then what are my optionsJackie Rent a flat for 6 monthsMartin But you should know that I can't get one just like thatMartin And where do I get the money for itJackie Well I was going to talk to you about that - won't bother now . What time will you be home tomorrow?Martin Not sure. .why? Jackie So u can be goneJackie I can be goneMartin Where will you goJackie Not your problem or concern - what timeMartin My son is my concernMartin Please be reasonableMartin I want to see my son this weekend pleaseJackie No I'm the one who looks after him all the time. You pulled a right stunt tonight des 40th Katie. 30th party and I can't go because you are out and I bet you got a right kick out of putting that on the calendar. U know Jamie doesn't like staying with mum so I'mMartin It was notMartin As it happens my night has blown upJackie Yes it was how did you think that was going to work? Two of my oldest work friends and I have to blow them outMartin I wasn't going to be around so didn't think it would matterJackie ClearlyMartin Well I was sent awayJackie Look I'm not interested what time will you be home tomorrowJackie No you went off your own backMartin I was thinking of you you wanted space to thinkJackie Yes and I still do. But that doesn't seem to matter nowMartin It was never going to be for ever but just for a couple of weeksJackie Well no matter. Fir the last time when will you be back whT timeMartin I don't knowJackie HelpfulMartin Jackie you need help this is so over the topJackie No it's not I want time away from you. You moving back Is not giving me thatMartin I will live my own life in the houseMartin Jamie needs to stay in that house he misses me and I miss him. I have no more option but to go home. Martin I have told your mum so that you can stay at hersJackie Stop interfering with what I am doingJackie I'll be gone by tomorrowMartin I need to see that Jamie is okayMartin He is my sonJackie I will make sure he's ok I always do. Of course we can sort times out fur you to see himMartin This is not about you now it's about me and himJackie Yes it is and I am the one who picked up the peices when he thought I wasn't ever coming home after your comments about it. You do nothing to protect him from your venom about me no idea about hiw a child might perceive and build something in his head after youMartin I have been nothing but respectful for you I tried to make it work. What comments are you on about. Martin I have always told him that you are greatMartin And that i love youJackie On 2 occasions he has overheard you saying stuff to mum and on thT night you showed off in my re emotion you told him you did not think I was coming home. Both times I have reassured him.Jackie I've had to take Harry to the vet this morning as he had an abscess on his face. He's been given a 2 week antibiotic shot and had his face cut to release the poison out. Can you make sure he is kept in at night with the litter tray and the cat flap shut so thatMartin No problem. Thanks MJackie I'll be back to take him to the vet TuesdayMartin OkayMartin Thank you for taking care of him. Jackie He was in a right state poor thing. Can you also let me know when the car tax turns up? TaMartin Yes of course. And thank you again for looking after himMartin Say hello to Jamie, i rang earlier but surprisingly got no answerJackie I'll get him to call later you his phone is packed.Martin Okay thanksJackie Got you some basics in milk bread bacon pork piesMartin Thank you much appreciated. If it does not cause any problems. Would Jamie like to watch football at home tonight I will drop him off after wards. No problem if you think it would be issueJackie Yep he'd like that what time will you be home?Jackie Pick Jamie up from mums? TaMartin 5 if that is okayMartin Would you like me to get him something to eat like fish and chipsJackie Great, see you then at mumsJackie Just to confirm Jamie is coming home to you after school, I will pick him up in my way home? How's Harry?Jackie Are you home all day then? Jamie would like to come round and do homework and play on x box.Martin I am not home yet but should be by 2Martin Let me check how things are going BrbJackie Ah I need to be at jades birthday meal at 2 and need to leave at. 1.15. This won't work. I'll take him with me.Martin Hi hold the thought I may make itJackie Ok let me know ASAP so I can tell Jamie. CheersMartin Will do I will move it up a gear hereJackie TaJackie No I'm gonna drive taMartin OkayMartin On my way home nowJackie Cool will you pick him up from here?Jackie ?Martin OutsideJackie Cool just popping his shoes on!Martin Okay i was using the speech to text feature. It can't understand me eitherJackie Lol. He's forgotten his home work I'll send pics if what it is.Jackie I'll pick Jamie up on my way home. Just had coffee so no more than an hour. TaMartin Just put in a pizza for him so please don't rush backJackie On way now, can u drop him off later then?Martin No problems, sorry he has been working and just responded to the question I asked him an hour agoJackie CheersJackie Can you send Jamie home with my sage pils in my bedside cabinet cupboard and my big short thick black coat? TaJackie Yep!Martin Can't find it. .lolMartin Cat has been sleeping on it and won't let me have itJackie Oh and some of my moultin brown bath stuff - couple of bottlesMartin OkayMartin Hi ya, yes that is correct. Harry is fine and has been asking about you. .Martin How is he getting on with his homework. He was wondering if he could come round and play on the xbox. I wouldn't mind seeing him again so long as it doesn't cause you any problems. Martin Your welcome, If I make it back would you like a liftMartin I will pick you up on you
.apologies for the above but I wanted you to see the messages that have been going between us it may give you an idea of the responses that i have been getting. I am no angel in this but cant see how my actions have created this, interesting bits about manipulation and controlling, I suppose the fact that i work so much did have that effect such that she wasnt able to do things and she was effectively captive because i didnt give her the option to go out.
apologies but above is the text messages that have been going between us
Thank you for your question. These text messages are extremely helpful because it helps me see how you interact and the patterns that are created.
Here is what I see you take on a certain roll in the relationship where you are helpful and you are looking out for her.
You want her to make sure she is taken care of and does what is best for her. But she takes that in a negative way.
She wants to do it herself, take care of herself, she wants to be in control of her life. So when you are helping her she takes it as an insult.
There is a way of handling this situation. You need to just retool your questions and responses so that she feels she is in control of her life right now. It is like she is battling to make her own decisions. This is in no way your fault, this is just her wanting control of her life.
Let me give you an example. You want her to think she is making all the decisions.
So If something comes up that is important like counseling which is very important. Instead of saying too her you need counseling. You want to say, do you feel like the counseling will help you. Instead of saying tell the counselor about your childhood. You want to say do you think it would be a good idea to discuss your childhood. You want her to make the decisions because she needs to feel in control.
When you both discussed your home she was upset because that was something she had no control of and it triggered those emotions that she was not in control.
When she mentions about living on eggshells that is an example that she felt she needed to walk a fine line in order to keep things calm in the house. So she felt again the life she was living she had no control over.
You both still have a connection together, that is very clear too me through the texts. You are both good at working things out together and finding solutions. But only when she also has input and you accept what she is saying. She needs to be more involved in decisions so she feels in control.
Any time you told her this is what you were doing she changed her attitude into a more I will do what I want type attitude.
This shows me that this all has to do with her wanting more control. So if she feels like she has control over her life then I can see you both taking the steps to reconnecting this relationship. Even if she says things are over and pushes you a way that is her only trying to get control over her life. But if she has more control you will see her begin to come back too you. You want to support her decisions and stand by her in a way where she tells you what she wants in her life.
I feel this relationship in time will be able to reconnect. The connection is still very much there between you both.
unfortunately when I sent that I had a follow up but alas couldnt send it
I was going to say that she feels that I put my work ahead of her and that it dominates her life.
such that she cannot do anything for it running the house
she has another evening when it will be a friends birthday, I was told last time that she had cancelled the night. I know it will seem strange but I feel that I need to learn a new language here.
I would like to give her the opportunity fo go out but in a way that would be non confrontational but would give me some credit or show some sign of understanding.
Hi ya, I have been trying be understanding with Jackie but she seems hell bent on moving out and selling. I have attached below the latest chat with her these are the only means of communication with her sadly. I am frightened to talk to her for fear of saying the wrong thing and of hearing the wrong thing. I need some way of communicating with her something that will stop the negatives from her, almost like a silver bullet!!! Its a tall ask and its seems so distant at the moment. How do I do this, she has another session wednesday which I am dreading. Its as if the whole menopause episode is ignored.
I am really up against it now!!!how do I get her to respond positively. Helppppppp
Let me know know how the cat gets on? Ta
Will do, I will get him to call you. Lol
Oh one last thing
My counsellor found it extremely helpful to see my dialogue with you and how I was
I can send you a copy for your use as well. He noticed things that I hadn't your one may be the
It's just a suggestion. I will send you the text and leave it up to you. X
Wish me luck with Harry and the box. Lol
You'll be fine!
Jamie if he doesn't have any home work could he come round to play xbox
Still waiting for the vet
He has loads of homework. Mum has him at the moment.
Oh okay. Never mind
If he needs help you can ask him to give me a call
You should be home soon so most probably be okay
Cat is fine
I will let Jamie know
How is the car
£300 I'll pick it up in the morning, drivers side needs doing too as it's not great
Sorry to hear that.
If you don't mind I would like to take Jamie football tomorrow.
I will get him fed and back to you at what ever time you say
Yep sounds good what time will you pick him Up as I won't be home ?
I could get him at 5 does that sound okay
Yep from mums?
I will drop her off as well
How does that sound okay
Great ill let her know
Text. Her I'm sure it will be fine
You okay to let Jamie know
If the car isn't ready till tomorrow shall I get Jamie in the morning for you
No I'll get it on the way Ta
No I mean do you want me to drop Jamie off round jacks
No I'll do it in the way
Can you pick Jamie up for footballers mums do he can be there for. 5. 50 and bring him home for.
8.30 /9 do I can go to see my councillor and be home on time ? Ta
Actually make it 8.45 - 9 I'm out if there at 8.30
No problem at all if you want he can stay here and go to school from here. You won't have to rush.
If you want and it makes it easier. M
All his stuff is here so if you could bring him home at 8.45 that would be good ta
Okay not a problem.
I will send the email to you with the text messages tonight.
Ta I won't be able to pick them up till I get to work
Would you like me to print them off and drop it off tomorrow when I pick Jamie up.
In a envelope off course.
You must be tired I let you go now. Take care x
Hi sorry for the texts messages but its a way of showing you how our conversations go.
Below is the follow on from the one above.
The thing that makes me anxious is that i am still being given the cold shoulder and that she seems hell bent on selling and moving on without me. i would like her back and want her to engage in that with me. i want to get the message across to her thatI am looking to help her. She has another session tonight so am expecting some fall out tomorrow and Friday.. i still think a miracle is needed.
I do understand this but she wants the estate agent round next week she will accompany them and wants to control the sale which will mean a quick one . She seems so clear in what she wants. I am frigthened that I will looking for a new home really soon and I will be put int the recycle bin. All I am getting is damage done too late move on.. i cant see anything in her texts to encourage me. She is not even acknoledging the menopause. i really hope her counsellor raises and is on par with you.. Sorry to go on but I am really trying to see hope but cant.
She won't buy another house with me. So what do you think of my chances of getting back are now. If it is a fresh start it would appear it will not feature me. .I have lost her forever
So does the menopause feature in this at all or just a coincidence. I was nievely thinking that this was a contributory factor to us failing and that I may with her counselling be able to recover some ground. From the messages that I have sent you do you see any hope there. Should I face it and move on.
I do find your responses inspiring and they give me hope, But as I mentioned I am so out of my depth on this I just cant see how I can influence things. Its as if there is a shield around her and I cant get to her
although she did say that i brought her back down as she tries to build her self
You fill me with hope all the time, I am sorry that I am not a normal client but this is all new to me so am having to be hand lead. Below is more texts I am afraid its the only communication i have with her.