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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, Sorry for the rather long email but I would like

Resolved Question:

Hello,

Sorry for the rather long email but I would like to describe my situation as best as possible so that you get a clear understanding.

Just before Christmas I invited a friend of mine along for drinks and she brought 3 guys with her. One of them used to be a musician in a band and I was told he had expressed a liking for me. As we all talked I got the impression that he looked a lot younger than what he was so I asked his age and he stared at me and defensively said "That's rude". He then told us his age (34) and stuck around right until the end of the night even though his friends had all left.

One of my friends then had a party at her house the following weekend to which he and the others were invited. By that time I was told that he was really interested in me. At the party we chatted, shared a lot of music in common and sat together. He seemed fine and quite sweet. Then at the end of the night we decided to stay at my friend's house in her spare bed. I don't know if I made a mistake here but we got intimate although I didn't want to go the full way as I wasn't sure of his intentions. The following day he had to go to work and was instantly texting me, asking if I wanted to go on a road trip with him and that we could go anywhere in the world. I thought this was a bit full on as I was thinking more along the lines of meeting up and getting to know each other better but to be polite I said it sounded like fun. 2 days later which was Christmas eve he called me (he is Polish and apparently Christmas eve is the day they celebrate) so all the signs were there that he was really keen.

On Christmas day I messaged him to wish him a merry Christmas as he had to work and we emailed backwards and forwards a few times then he stopped but made some strange comments. After this I didn't hear from him until my friend had another get together the following Saturday to which he came. He was moving that evening and came all the way from Clapham to Fulham, just to see me. I noticed at one point he was getting a bit sarchastic with me (I can't remember exactly what was said) but it seemed that everything he said was geared towards trying to get a reaction out of me or pick an argument. Someone commented saying that we sounded like an old married couple as I was giving back although I'm very relaxed generally and don't enjoy arguing.

That evening again we shared the bed and got intimate but again I refused to have sex because I didn't fully trust him. He seemed fine with it, not forcing me into anything. The following morning he got up and immediately got dressed and put his shoes on. Trying to be nice I said that he didn't need to put his shoes on and he snapped at me with "Don't tell me what to do or what to put on or what to put in or what to put out". I only meant for him to feel that he could relax but I just left it.

Later on he was getting all defensive with me again, making sarchastic comments as he had previously then he left and I never heard from him again. My friend told me that she had asked him why he wouldn't take me out on a date and get to know me and had apparently been teasing him at work about me and him, however, he would just get extremely defensive with her and tell her to leave him alone. She also told him that I liked him and he said "Well why isn't she telling me that". Again I'm not sure if I made a mistake but I sent him a really nice email and said I was sorry that I had no idea my friend had been teasing him and that I'd politely asked her to stop. I then said that it would be really nice to see him sometime if he wanted to meet up but I'd understand if he'd rather not. He never replied.

So that's basically the story in a nutshell. The thing is I can't get this guy out of my head. I keep telling myself it's ridiculous as I only had 3 encounters with him but it's been more than 2 months and I think about him non stop. It's actually really getting me down. I've even deleted him off my facebook so that I don't keep checking to see if he's online but I feel like a gaping hole in my stomach because despite all his weirdness I'd love to see him again.

Would you be able to shed some light on what is happening here as I feel like I'm going mad and not thinking logically. Do you know what kind of guy I have been dealing with?

Many thanks in advance for all your help. I look forward to hearing from you.

Joanna
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please give me a couple of minutes to read your message for me to understand your situation and core concerns.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and distressful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel this frustrated and perhaps why you got so attached to this person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

On one hand there is an unconscious factor, based on how physically people could feel attracted to another, regardless of how much you know that person or your opinions about him, it's something that happen at a physical level that bypasses your intellectual mind.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This way people could feel a strong attraction that would not require their mind's permission to be experienced. Then if you allow yourself to become vulnerable and trust that person a little bit, that would fuel further attachment, hopes and expectations, feelings and needs around that person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The other factor is what the person does to actually get your attention and get closer, to gain your trust and access to you, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This person's behavior show lack of maturity, poor communication skills, and problems developing healthy relationships, since while you allowed him access to share with you in physically and emotionally intimate ways, he then showed lack of respect, sensitivity, reciprocity because of what was shared, but acted out his own unresolved personal issues using sarcasm, avoidance,not being truly honest and open towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you allowed yourself to get intimate for another couple of times, but his pattern remain the same. This is why I think it could have not been the best option for you to get that close that soon without knowing him better, since his concrete actions show maturity and personal problems, that clearly undermine his ability to play a healthy role in adult relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for being here.

Customer:

Hello,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

i can see you are online and joined the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi

Customer:

Thank you so much for your response

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Customer:

I really needed some expert advice as I've been given opinions by family and friends, all saying that he has issues and that he would never make me happy, however you have given me expert advice which is very useful and gives me a better insight into the situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see how you have always tried to be very nice, open, and willing to share...

Customer:

Yes I'm half Latin and I naturally have that openness from my mum. I actually put this guy's attitude towards me down to him not liking my personality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not know you nor this person, but the very behaviors you depicted show how you have been doing a good job offering your trust, vulnerability and affection to this person, while he has neglected and been insensitive towards you, which is very frustrating, concerning and sad.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer:

Do you think that it would have made a difference in the long run if I hadn't shared any intimacy with him?

Customer:

As in, would he have treated me better?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If a person this soon into sharing shows this pattern, it becomes very concerning, since it is supposed to be the phase when people do their best to get your attention, but he has already been acting out this painfully, which does not show any good potential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think that could have made a difference, but it would not have changed the core nature-issues he has presented

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A person who truly respects and cares about you would show gratefulness and reciprocity, never this immature and insensitive behavior

Customer:

Ok so does that mean that if he meets someone he cares about that his behaviour would change?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think he would do that unless he first works on his core personal issues, only then he would be able to share at a mature level in relationships.

Customer:

Ok thank you very much for all your help. You have been extremely helpful

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.


You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ , just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.


Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Thank you so much. If I think of anything else to ask I will use the link you have provided.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be glad to support you as needed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you again for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and please remember to rate session.

Customer:

If I provide a rating now can I still contact you via that link?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure you can.

Customer:

Ok thankyou.

Customer:

Have a great day

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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