Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counsellor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation in your life.
The reality you describe in your message seems truly painful, showing how hard this loss has been for you...
...you are grieving because of the loss of something that was a big part of your life for so many years, that became your reality and now is over, and that's something that would overwhelm most people in your shoes, bu only you know how painful it's been for you since this happened.
I certainly feel overwhelmed. Do you think we shouldn't see each other for a while?
What I see is not a person blaming an ex-partner, nor pushing to get back together, but one who is fully acknowledging reality and taking responsibility for what happened.
I believe you need and deserve to do everything healthy and necessary that could allow you to go through this process in ways you could truly heal and grow from it.
You said you are trying to work on being friends, but while that sounds like a very good and ideal situation, many times in real life, at least during this initial phase, it could not work that well but actually undermine your own healing process
We still care about each other, but must take gentle steps to remain friends.
This is why you'd need to carefully assess the pros and cons of your main options here, prioritizing things, and finding balance, and for that you need to ask yourself how well could it really work for you to remain in touch and this close or not to your ex-partner while working on your own healing.
Some people can do this while staying close to each other, but others can't, and this happens because of differences in personalities, unique challenges, needs and issues, that could make it more or less assertive and convenient to keep such closeness to each other
It is very good to know both do care for each other this much, what is good and challenging at the same time, since you could feel more hopeful about a future reconciliation attach even more to your ex-partner and to the expectations about such chance. But nobody know what could happen in the future, you may have an idea right now, but depending on how each of you approach this situation and choose to work on yourselves and on healing and growing from this painful experience, your reality would be shaped in different ways.
I suggest you to be totally truthful with yourself about what you really can and are willing to afford, choosing what works for you the best, XXXXX XXXXX what you can and should control, that way you would be taking good care of yourself while also respecting and being supportive about the path your ex-partner is working on.
It's what I've been thinking. We need more space at this time, but there are complications. I must collect some important documents first and then I have thought I would remove myself from the situation as it's too painful and I end up in tears.
I believe you may have been undergoing severe depression and anxiety because of this dramatic reality and change in your life, and that's why it's been so hard, even more because of having such a limited support system. Right, it is tough, not easy at all, but you know it is necessary and would allow you to take better care of yourself, and truly heal and grow from it, and f there is any chance in the future for you, you would only know if you commit to work on and take good care of yourself.
So please get all the support you can from those few close good friends you have, and do take these necessary steps, painful and tough, but necessary for you at this time, since delaying things would not help but make things more complicated and painful for both of you.
Please do seriously consider getting professional support through individual counselling or psychotherapy, as well as to join a good support group, since each of them would allow you to get the tools and help you need to process this loss, heal the wounds from it, and grow stronger and wiser, while effectively coping with all the challenges that this change has created.
Yes I must start to get myself together and do what is right for me. 20 is a long time. I must build a new exsistence.
You are very vulnerable right now, but you also have what it takes to heal and grow from it, so please do unconditionally commit to love, understand, and support yourself, in truly gentle and compassionate ways, for this process to be less painful and more constructive.
It is, and remember that your first need, right and responsibility is to take good care of yourself, through self-respect, self-love and compassion, understanding and support, since it is from there that you would be able to set healthy boundaries and limits when around others, build and promote healthy and truly fulfilling relationships, where nobody would use, abuse, neglect or manipulate the other.
This is a tough and painful process, but necessary and absolutely worthy.
You would only get resilience, real relief, strength and good insight from it,leading to concrete growth and from there to building real happiness and fulfillment in your life within yourself, and from there to share the same with other people who happen to be compatible with it and willing to share with you in different areas. WHile you work on iy you would. gradually see and feel things more clearly.
Easier said than done, but I understand what your saying. You use all the right descriptive words and I am glad of your good sense.
This is why working on building a better support system with the help from those few ones close to you is so important, as well as to get the healing tools necessary for your own process. Please remember that psychotherapy and a support group could really make a huge difference in this process, and that while psychiatric medication could bring some symptomatic relief, they cannot help you with your own real healing and growth process, and could actually also numb the very insight and clarity of mind and heart you need to work on yourself and life changes, beside of presenting the extra challenges of side effects. So please be careful and take the time to assess your core needs and expectations in the present, then commit to take consistent actions with the right support to make things work for you.
I tried CBT awhile back, but I didn't help me as I couldn't seem to put it into practice.
It is always much easier to talk about it than to implement it, absolutely true, but it is only from a place of good and realistic insight, that we could start an effective healing and growth journey, so if we take consistent actions and work on it, we can shape our realities, releasing and healing from pain, instead of deepening and fueling it, creating further suffering.
CBT could be very helpful but it could lack a lot of dept if what the person needs to work has core deep issues that require real work within yourself, and that's why I always suggest a more integral approach in therapy, which would not only focus on mechanically changing ideas and behaviors, but allowing real transformation, healing and grow from your life experiences.
Where should I go to get professional help?
You have two main options. One is through referral by your primary care physician through the NHS, where you would be in a waiting list and receive mental health services for free, but limited to what the system has to offer. The other option is to directly look for an independent practitioner, a professional psychotherapist to support you, ideally one with an integral/integrative approach.
Let me provide a few links of professional directories for you to review, and contact as many as possible to identify qualifications, approach and availability, in case you want to try this venue
Yes please. I know I have many issues to address.
Also your primary care physician or a health professional at any local clinic should be able to provide information about local support groups for different type of needs and issues, which are free, and always worthy to try.
Please take the time to carefully assess the potential professional who could support you with therapy, since there are many bad ones, and you only need and deserve a good, competent, ethical and empathetic therapist to support you in this process,and not one that could even undermine it.
That'll keep me busy! Thank you. Will this info stay on screen for me to refer to or should I write it all down. Can I save it to favourites/
Here you could find information ad support about relationships: www.relate.orgHere is help for alcohol related problems: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.ukThis one about domestic violence www.refuge.org.uk and these for mental health problems: www.mentalhealth.org.uk and www.mind.org.uk
This is the direct link to this chat's record, which will remain in your account and publicly available too, so you could read it or copy and print it if you want: http://www.justanswer.co.uk/relationship/8bntb-so-depressed-exhausted-20-year-relationship.html?src=dn
Just need to copy and paste that link in the browser address bar.
I suggest this book "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394239914&sr=8-1&keywords=Getting+Past+Your+Breakup%3A+How+to+Turn+a+Devastating+Loss+into+the+Best+Thing+That+Ever+Happened+to+You
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
Thank you for being this open and honest here, it takes a lot of courage and strength to do so, and I must say that I feel very hopeful about you and our healing process.
Here is again the link you could save under favorites for you to get access to it as necessary: http://www.justanswer.co.uk/relationship/8bntb-so-depressed-exhausted-20-year-relationship.html?src=dn
Thank you for all this info. I'll get back to you sometime.
You're very welcome. I will be glad to follow up and provide any further support.
Take gentle care and consistent action.
and remember to rate session :o)