Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry to know about this distressful situation because of the concerns your girlfriend has about you.
Could you please tell me more about your relationship, and what do you think and feel about her concerns?
Basically this has been going on for a year or so, bless her she has tried her level headed best to get to me just a down to earth person but I haven't been responding
Then you recognize all of her concerns are accurate and that you have not been able to make significant changes, right?
Yes, I really want her to see it
For how long have you been dating and for how long have you had these problems?
We haven't been dating but getting to know each other through social networks and met only once
You mean for her to see you have tried even when you haven't made these of changes a reality?
its been over a year
I see, then you are friends only and have almost exclusively been sharing as such for a little more than a year long distance
I am from UK and she's from New Zealand
as you probably can tell we are long distance
The situation is now that we both want to get married but there are stumbling blocks in the way
Im the one with the problem
Then could you please clarify how could you contemplate getting married to a person you have only share with through social networks, met once and with whom you only have this type of long distance friendship?
Right, right now my parents and her parents are talking on how to best deal with this issue, I am going to be seeing her and her family very soon
but to get rid of these issues is my problem
Is this a natural and normal way to get married in your cultures?
including attention seeking "its all about me" attitude
to put it in simple terms - Arranged Marriage
I see. Then it seems you would have to truly work on yourself first around these core serious issues, in order to be able to share and build a healthy marriage with this person.
Issues number 2 and 3 seem to be serious enough, and most times are part of the individual's personality, so require hard work in order to mature and make necessary improvements.
I am trying honestly but its come to a point where do I go next
The best source of support for you to effectively work on yourself in counselling and psychotherapy, where you could explore and identify the core roots of these serious issues, what limits your change, and develop strategies to make necessary changes.
How do I do this?
I see, that's why it seems necessary to get professional support to work on yourself, otherwise this lack of progress could just continue to undermine your present and future around this and other areas too.
You would request your primary care physician to refer you for counseling services.
That's one option, and the other is to directly look for an independent professional psychotherapist who could support you with psychotherapy, instead of being in a waiting list through the NHS.
Through the NHS you would get services for free, but would be limited to the services that happen to be available, while looking for an independent professional would allow you to look for an expert on the issues you experience and start working on yourself right away.
Is it preferable through person or alternative
If you look for an independent professional you'd always have the freedom to choose the expert you need.
So what you are saying its not just go on the internet and read up and think
or talk to someone
I can supply link to professional directories for you to contact a few of them and choose to interview at least 2 or 3, for you to keep the one that seems more competent and supportive.
is there like a timescale on this
Reading could help your intellect but it would not mean you are actually working on yourself, concrete issues and challenges, nor on the life situations that require improvements, that;s why counselling of psychotherapy seem necessary.
It depends on each person's unique situation, challenges, issues, expectations and needs, an don the expertise of the professional supporting you.
Let me get those links for you.
I would suggest you to look for a professional psychotherapist with expertise on self-development, relationship issues and individual therapy. One that has an "integral" therapeutic approach.
Are there any online ones
because Im out the country at the moment
Yes there are, you could consider online counselling too as an alternative and see how well and effectively it works for you or not.
Alright thank you very much
An an additional service I do also provide professional confidential counseling services.
You're very welcome
In this situation
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ , just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.
If you want to try online counselling you'd just contact me using previous link and we'd set an appointment
Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.
Alright, thank you very much
Please remember to rate session. Bye.