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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2820
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I am with my fiance 7 years, we had a 6 month breakup got back

Customer Question

I am with my fiance 7 years, we had a 6 month breakup got back together and engaged. The wedding date is booked. I was madly in love with my fiance and he was with me. Here is the problem. He lives 3 hours away, we see each other at weekends. He is religious so we don't have sex. Yes you read that correctly we don't have sex, until after we marry. I have put up with this for 7 years out of love and respect for him. At present I would say the level of intimacy or basic affection is nil. He insists that he loves me, and wants to marry me. But how can he, when the physical side is in tatters? He also has an issue with the fact we don't chat about the world for hours on end. I would have been a very shy person as a teen and child. I worked incredibly hard to overcome this shyness. Though, at times I am quite, and reserved, I am very friendly and do not struggle anymore with shyness. Some times of course I can be shy but on the whole, things are fine. I have explained to my fiance that this is a personality trait, but he always saw me as outgoing and bubbly. The thing is I feel under constant pressure when around him to have lots to say about every issue under the sun, it's like a constant test. The strange thing is I went to college, I have a degree and two postgraduate degrees. I am intelligent, I think a lot about the world. But he sometimes makes me feel stupid, even though I know I am not. I do love this person and he has a lot of good traits. But I am very angry with him for witholding the physical and very important aspect to maintaining any relationship over a long period of time. He doesn't see this. I have explained this to him so many times. I have genuinely lost faith in myself, and in the world, and I feel desperately lost and alone. I know he loves me, but if he does, why doesn't he show it? I had started to wonder was he asexual, he insists he is not. I have no one to get advice about this from, too embarrassed to tell my friends or family, this is a horrible situation to be in. I have explained all of this to him in rational terms. I just don't know what to do, and I'm finding it fairly devastating that it is the shy aspect of my personality he is choosing to single out, without giving full consideration to the significant effect his refusal to be intimate or have sex is having on the relationship? The irony here is shocking to say the least. Anyway I would appreciate some independent advice here; I'm aware I have my own bias in terms of how I see it, so a fresh look at this would be appreciated.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

you are in a very tough spot and I feel for you.

Coach Jen K. :

I am going to say something very bold here at the beginning and we can talk about it.

Coach Jen K. :

it is possible to love someone as you do but not be at that next level anymore where marriage is the next step.

Coach Jen K. :

I worry that all of your stress is an indicator for you that you question whether to go through with it.

Coach Jen K. :

There are things within your connection that are on parallel tracks so the question becomes can those paths be bridged and do you believe marriage will do that?

Coach Jen K. :

any relationship needs to have open communication where each person is head and understood as well as intimacy.

Coach Jen K. :

I hear you respect his need for sexual intercourse after marriage but that you desire more at this point. All of your needs around this are quite normal.

Coach Jen K. :

would he go to some couples counseling with you to work on some of these issues before the wedding? And would you find that helpful?

Coach Jen K. :

I was also struck by what you wrote at the start which was I WAS madly in love...so is that still there? do you ask yourself whether you want to marry him and maybe a lot of the stress is because you are feeling differently about it all and the deeper connection?

Coach Jen K. :

I would suggest that these things do get looked at, processed and worked through before you walk down the aisle.

Coach Jen K. :

hi

Coach Jen K. :

I see you coming in the chat. I am here if you would like to chat.

JACUSTOMER-tcvi5xkp- : I don't think he appreciates the extent of the sacrifices I have made for him. I'm just very angry and frustrated about everything. He is like a wall at times. We can try counselling but I get the sense that he is too set in his ways to actually listen and adapt or respond. My question is though, surely most couples don't sit talking for hours on end about the world, especially after such a long time together? Or perhaps I am wrong but my experience of friends and relatives in relationships - long relationships, tells me they don't? But somehow I am unsatisfactory due to this? Due to being ok with times of quiet?
Coach Jen K. :

I think he has more of the need to talk of these worldly things or events but in my view couples that settle into the routine of being together are quite okay with sitting in quiet and not having to talk about heavy things all the time

Coach Jen K. :

things can be light or silly or quiet. all things are tolerated and one isn't made to feel stupid or less than if they desire something different.

Coach Jen K. :

I am in the US in EST and will be signing off for the night in a few minutes but will return in the morning and look for a response if I dont hear from you before signing off.

Coach Jen K. :

If you dont need me further then please take a moment to click on the rating tab.

Coach Jen K. :

I feel your frustrations and made more complicated by talking with him but not seeing any benefit from sharing those feelings.

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