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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am 29 and have had troubled relationships in the pasted but

Resolved Question:

I am 29 and have had troubled relationships in the pasted but feel I have found the most amazing person to be with. I cant fault it but I keep getting very anxious when it comes to waiting for a text or a call! I know its silly of me but i cant help it and it actually hurts my chest! I am very very understanding and patient when it comes to her needs in the relationship but feel she could be a bit more understanding to mine! should i tell her that i suffer from relationship anxiety? just a bit nervous as all my other relationship haven't last because of it?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long have you been in this relationship and how long did past ones last?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe seems to show a couple of very specific concerns. First the fact that you suffer of high levels of anxiety, in thsi case around relationships, so that this is not an isolated problem but a chronic issue/pattern that has been affecting you in several relationships, I could say leading you to sabotage them, right?

Customer: This is a three month one and on the hold its going really well! My other ones have last about a year
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

On the other hand, you said that you think this is the most amazing person you could be with,bit also said that she "she could be a bit more understanding to your needs", so I wonder how well this person understand and meets your needs and expectations too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify this last point where you seem to feel frustrated because of not feeling reciprocated by this person?

Customer: I know I am being silly but I don't want this feeling to get in the way of something I feel can be really good and I feel that I am ready to have a relationship and deserve it! As I have waited a long time! It's when I am waiting to hear from her after she finishes work I under stand that her work is important but also don't understand why she can't just drop me a line! I try so hard not to let it bother me but I can't hide the fact it does and it makes me feel very rubbish about myself! Like last night I missed her call so we said as we always do speak later when she finnishes work then at 2am I text her to say that your working late to night hope its going ok? She then phones at 2:30 am saying that she finished ages ago! I get upset as I don't understand why she can't text or quick call just to let me know so I am not worrying and that I can go to sleep! I understand she has a life and probably wants a drink after work but she could just let me know! Silly isn't it?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Did she tell you how she forgot to call or text you?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Did you have this agreement that she has to contact you no matter what everyday by the end of her work?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you are aware that this anxiety has led you to undermine your previous chances in relationships, and now you find yourself experiencing the same, then I do believe it is necessary for you not only to hope things work well, but to actually do something about this serious problem. This is not an isolated difficulty but apparently already a anxiety disorder and time would not resolve it, and further relationships failing because of it, would just make it harder for you to truly overcome this problem and start building, promoting and enjoying healthy and fulfilling long term relationships.

Customer: No she just said she didn't look at her phone and that she felt bad but I of course said its fine but we have always talked after she finnishes I find it hard as she asks me to phone her early in the morning to wake her up as she sleeps through her alam so it feels like I am doing her long hours with her I don't mind as it makes me feel wanted and very much apart of the relationship! And no we have never said that we will phone every time it's just something we do!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe open and honest communication is essential to build good relationships, what implies sharing about core needs and expectations,, fears and difficulties, and also about problems you have, for you to support each other, but since this is a personal issue with severe anxiety, you also need to work on yourself with necessary professional support, since your girlfriend cannot do this for you. She could help you for sure, but you need to work on core personal issues from the past from where you developed and then reinforced this severe anxiety, so you could truly take good care of yourself in the present and of your relationships too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if for some reason you do not hear back from her, you could take initiative and call her to find out, and that would avoid you fueling anxiety and illusions about what happened. You would not push her, but be honest and tell her how much you long for hearing from her at the end of the day as usual, and if for any reason she does not call you you could call her, it should not become an issue.

Customer: I agree I was adopted at the age 8 so have always struggled with rejection so think it steams from that!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As long as she happens to be honest and caring, if this person does not have anxiety issues nor feel the intense need to contact you that often it should not be a problem, but you would have to work on yourself anyway.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it could make perfect sense.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you have been undergoing these fears of abandonment and rejection for too long

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it seems it is time to start working on healing from it, getting wiser and stronger, and not to allow these fears and issues from the past to undermine your present and what you need and deserve to build and enjoy in relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Individual psychotherapy is the best source of professional support for people to work on any challenging problem or difficulty that may affect our lives,even more if it has become this overwhelming, like an anxiety disorder. Please do not delay starting this process anymore, and you would see how you can truly enjoy being yourself and sharing in healthy and fulfilling ways with other people, without feeling rejected or abandoned.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Very true and I want to deal with it should I go get help where I actually speak to someone in person? It's funny it's the little things that get me down? I have lived with this feeling for a long time and only yesterday I realised I think I have relationship anxiety so I don't feel so along as I always thought it was just me feeling like this and there will never be hope for me to settle down!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I do believe your best option is to get individual psychotherapy, so please look for a professional psychotherapist with expertise in anxiety disorders, self-esteem and relationships issues. Online counselling or psychotherapy could work too, it depends on how you feel.I suggest people to try both to find out what works the best for them. In this case I do also recommend group therapy, since there you would be able to practice different skills necessary to improve the way you think, feel, respond and react to anxiety triggers around acceptance, rejection and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please reflect on it and take consistent action getting necessary professional support to work on yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible, OK?

Customer: Thank you so much I feel so much better talking about it! The one thing that is different with this relationship is when I see her all my anxiuties goes go away I just need to desk with my thoughts when I am not with her! Plus it's not a trust thing which I am happy to say! Just on my way to meet her now! Feeling good so again thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That sounds wonderful indeed! You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/ , just make sure you state "For Rafael" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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