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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Went to visit ex hoping to get her back but was not able to.

Resolved Question:

Went to visit ex hoping to get her back but was not able to.

Where do I go from here?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

Coach Jen K. :

tell me how it went.

Coach Jen K. :

I am sorry for the delay..I wasnt alerted that you were requesting me so I am glad you stuck with it.

Coach Jen K. :

I will wait for you to come online so we can talk.

Customer:

hey im here

Customer:

thanks i was wondering what happened

Coach Jen K. :

glad you had patience.

Customer:

ok so have you seen each of the questions?

Customer:

one was more detailed

Customer:

anyway its not as bad as they may make out

Customer:

basically i got there and she was napping when i arrived

Customer:

so i sat down

Coach Jen K. :

I have seen them. Sorry you kept having to list them since it took some time but try and ask only one as it will get reported as a duplicate

Customer:

and she started cuddling me pretty much straight away

Customer:

then we had a nice rest of the day after that

Coach Jen K. :

ok so far so good

Customer:

and i ended up sharing her bed with her all week (with separate duvet)

Customer:

so there was some cuddling in bed sometimes in the morning and night

Coach Jen K. :

nice but not enough I imagine

Customer:

and she would generally ask for it

Customer:

on saturday night we were having dinner with a few of her friends and at one point she stuck out her hand until i held it

Customer:

then just kept holding it for a little bit

Coach Jen K. :

im listening

Customer:

10 minutes max it must have been

Customer:

anyway

Customer:

the problem

Customer:

is that after the first night i arrived, i didn't get to spend the time i thought i would be able to with her

Customer:

as she was busy

Coach Jen K. :

ok and that is why you werent able to share your feelings?

Customer:

then every night, we were around other people

Coach Jen K. :

you were hoping to have an opportunity?

Customer:

yes

Coach Jen K. :

hard for you I am sure

Customer:

but i never really got it until the last night a few hours before i had to leave

Coach Jen K. :

and?

Customer:

and although the setting was right, she was stressed as she had been working all day and still needed to finish a lot of stuff

Customer:

so it just wasnt happening

Customer:

i tried to bring it on by telling her how happy i am for her and how worried i was when she was getting her operation,

Customer:

i also asked if she would miss me

Customer:

and when we would see each other again

Customer:

which she said she would miss me but wasnt sure when we would see each other next

Customer:

anyway

Coach Jen K. :

so what do you make of the cuddling and hand holding then?

Customer:

she kept saying how she wants to live in new york for the rest of her life

Customer:

i dont know!!

Customer:

another thing is i think sometime after that, one of her friends who was at that dinner said something weird referring to the night before when we all went out

Coach Jen K. :

is she seeing if you would have said you wanted to as well?

Customer:

she said something like so did you enjoy last night? i noticed you only had eyes for anna (my ex)

Customer:

i dont know why she came out with that in front of anna

Customer:

and it was really awkward i couldnt tell if she was joking or not

Customer:

or if it was some stupid premeditated joke

Coach Jen K. :

yes awkward but she may have been trying to see how you would react so she could get a read on you and your desires.

Coach Jen K. :

because both of you are connected but neither of you are expressing your desires...I understand why but maybe you can now in an email?

Customer:

yeah but what does she have to do with it? i met her briefly the night before and barely chatted to her after

Customer:

whats the second part of that question?

Coach Jen K. :

women get a little jealous so she was teasing to see how you would respond

Customer:

but who?

Customer:

Anna didnt ask me

Customer:

her friend did

Customer:

in front of anna

Coach Jen K. :

yes so maybe she was trying to feel you out for anna?

Customer:

i dont know

Customer:

it just felt weird and awkward

Customer:

and i tried to bring it up later when i was alone with anna

Coach Jen K. :

I understand that for sure. so how do you want to go about it now that you are apart again?

Customer:

(and also i had just told her i didnt have a very good time with them) and she didnt really want to talk about it

Customer:

i dont know

Coach Jen K. :

ok well lets focus more on what you desire to do now

Coach Jen K. :

because we may not be able to figure out the motivation of annas friend

Coach Jen K. :

maybe the friend liked you...who knows

Customer:

the other thing is anna kept making comments about london, and stuff about how she realised she wouldnt convert if someone asked her to

Coach Jen K. :

it comes down to whether you want to take a risk and put it all out in an email...not knowing the outcome

Customer:

and kept making comments about how much more religious my family are

Customer:

(that stuff mostly referring to me being jewish)

Coach Jen K. :

so dropping hints that you cant be together?

Customer:

well it felt like it

Coach Jen K. :

as she is not jewish and that would be a problem for her?

Customer:

i dont know

Customer:

it was in our last meal together before i left

Customer:

i got mixed signals it was weird

Coach Jen K. :

well I see two options: do nothing and never know or put it out to her and take a risk and see how she responds. could you live in nyc?

Customer:

i just felt if she had more free time and wasnt on antibiotics that things might have gone better

Customer:

i could live there and i am dual citizen

Customer:

but it all depends on circumstances

Customer:

my business is based here

Coach Jen K. :

yes more time would have been nice. so the mixed signals are not giving you an easy time with what you want to do now

Customer:

no

Customer:

i still really want to be with her

Customer:

and tell her how i feel at some point

Customer:

but i wonder now whether the timing is off

Coach Jen K. :

And I know how hard it is for you to tell her because you want a clear signal from her but you might not get it

Customer:

i feel like she is still on a bit of a high from moving to NY

Coach Jen K. :

so it comes down to will you put it out there anyway?

Customer:

and at some point she will settle down more

Customer:

i will at some point

Coach Jen K. :

how long she there?

Customer:

she finishes her school there in December

Customer:

but she wants to stay there and get a job

Customer:

she has this semi serious joke about wanting to marry me for a visa

Coach Jen K. :

and thats a long time for you to keep the feelings inside

Customer:

yes

Customer:

although i have a feeling i will see her either before or during the summer

Coach Jen K. :

will you initiate another trip there?

Customer:

because she needs to sort out something in london and said she would pass through at some point

Customer:

i would if i had the time and if it made sense

Customer:

i dont know maybe i need to make some changes for her to like me again?

Customer:

what do you think she feels based on what i told you?

Coach Jen K. :

I think she is trying to feel you out while making her needs known in terms of things like staying in ny

Customer:

also she was really apologetic and felt bad that i had to spend so much time alone

Customer:

but i kind of blew it off saying i was fine and how much i like my own company

Customer:

said things like i am looking forward to going home etd

Coach Jen K. :

all the while keeping your real feelings in

Customer:

yeah

Coach Jen K. :

lets play this out for a minute.....

Customer:

the one time i wasnt happy was saturday night

Customer:

and i let her know

Customer:

which i sort of wish i hadnt

Coach Jen K. :

you tell her in an email all that you desire and one way or the other you get an answer and then you can proceed

Coach Jen K. :

but remember she wants nyc so if you cant entertain that as a possibility keep that in mind

Customer:

i had already stressed to her earlier that i would like to do something alone with her that night and it seemed to be on the cards

Customer:

then she had to go meet someone to study again and they ended up meeting a load of other girls at this place and she asked me to join

Customer:

so the whole time i was sitting there listening to them talk either in swedish or english about stuff that was irrelevant to me

Customer:

then she asked me after if i had a good time and i told her honestly no

Coach Jen K. :

not easy to sit around with a bunch of women...I feel for you. :-)

Coach Jen K. :

you are a good man

Customer:

and i tried to discuss it more after but she just kept quiet

Customer:

thats not the problem it was just that i really didnt want that and she knew it but it ended up happening anyway

Coach Jen K. :

I get it

Coach Jen K. :

she has a busy life there and very hard as you wanted more from her and with her

Customer:

the other problem was that she was on her phone SO MUCH

Customer:

its like she cant function without her social life

Customer:

but one thing that was promising

Coach Jen K. :

and maybe she cant...meaning that she wants that life right now in nyc

Customer:

was that a couple of the girls were single and looking for guys or seeing guys

Coach Jen K. :

that doesnt mean she doesnt want you but she may just be feeling her way through this new space

Customer:

and she didnt really seem to have an interest in that

Customer:

i know but couldnt she tame it down just a little while i was there?

Customer:

friday we went out with a few of her friends

Customer:

and while we were waiting for our table at dinner

Coach Jen K. :

I am sorry that she didnt so that you could have had more time together to just be and express

Customer:

she asked me if i could go speak to the hostess to see if we moved things along

Customer:

so i did and it got flirty and i am sure i could see her looking in my peripherals

Customer:

after that, it felt like her attitude changed throughout the dinner

Customer:

and we only ended up going out for one drink after as she felt ill so i took her home

Coach Jen K. :

and that tells you what?

Customer:

then the next day she asked me if i was mad at her last night

Customer:

and i said no

Customer:

but i was just trying to have fun with everyone else and see what that would do

Customer:

when she told me she was going home i went out for a smoke and she came with me and i didnt say much to her

Customer:

(i was a little drunk and deciding whether i should stay or go)

Customer:

i decided to go with her because it was pointless for me to be out if she wasnt there

Customer:

and i wanted to make sure she was ok

Customer:

i mean she was drinking on antibiotics so i think she actually did feel weird

Coach Jen K. :

ok

Coach Jen K. :

I think you are both dancing around an issue and without communication this will continue.

Customer:

anyway thats all the detail really

Customer:

but how do you think she feels?

Coach Jen K. :

once you both open up the discussion even if the outcome isnt what you esire you will both feel better

Customer:

i won't

Customer:

i do really want her back

Coach Jen K. :

I think she stil loves you, loves her life in nyc, doesnt want to give that up, wonders what you feel

Coach Jen K. :

that is what it feels like to me

Customer:

i was considering sending flowers to say thank you

Customer:

should i? or is that too much

Coach Jen K. :

that is lovely of course!

Customer:

(addressed to her roommate too)

Customer:

and instead of an email i thought i would write her an actual letter

Coach Jen K. :

I like the letter...always nice

Customer:

which is so cheesy and i have never done that before but i feel like i am on my last legs

Customer:

but you know what i said about the timing?

Coach Jen K. :

its not cheesy...you are doing what you can to figure it all out

Customer:

that she is still in the honeymoon phase of living there and at some point she will get back to normal?

Customer:

like its all exciting for her and NY is a more sociable place than london

Coach Jen K. :

all possible but you want to wait through that?

Customer:

no

Customer:

i just wonder if i actually had any chance last week

Coach Jen K. :

so what do you want and what do you want to do about it?

Customer:

and am also asking you if you think her feelings may change once she really settles in there

Customer:

and isnt living a sort of novelty life

Customer:

you know what i mean?

Coach Jen K. :

I dont hear that...I hear someone who loves it there and at this time believes she will stay.

Customer:

thats not what i mean

Coach Jen K. :

will that change? hard to know but my gut says most likely not.

Customer:

i mean her feelings towards me

Coach Jen K. :

I think she still has feelings for you....do i think that will change?

Customer:

ok you think that but it didnt really feel like it to me while she was there

Customer:

i mean while i was there

Coach Jen K. :

women dont cuddle and hold hands if we dont feel strongly for another

Coach Jen K. :

we would be much more closed to it

Customer:

but do you think that once the novelty of living in NY has gone and she sort of 'comes back to earth' that she could act differently to me?

Coach Jen K. :

I would not hold hands and sleep in the same bed without deeper feelings

Coach Jen K. :

I think it is your perception that she will come down to earth so I am having a hard time answering that one.

Customer:

yeah but do you not think that it was just nice for her as she knows she is comfortable round me and that i probably am not going to make any advances

Customer:

ok

Customer:

i mean she will still want to live there, but just not be AS excited about everything NY has to offer as she is now

Customer:

does that make sense

Coach Jen K. :

I can answer that by saying I would not even to be nice and if you were my ex then I would think you would make advances

Coach Jen K. :

I dont know that those feelings will wear off...too hard to tell. I know you desire that but almost impossible to predict

Customer:

but i was also under the impression that i would be sleeping on the sofa all week

Customer:

so anything better than that was a bonu

Customer:

bonus

Coach Jen K. :

exactly

Customer:

although as soon as i knew i was in the bed, i was hoping for something more

Coach Jen K. :

i would not have an ex visit me and i would not have them in my bed or cuddle or hold hands

Coach Jen K. :

of course...only natural

Customer:

the cuddling wasnt long

Customer:

i think we fell asleep cuddling one night

Customer:

one of her friends texted her saying how could you break up with him he's so cute

Customer:

and she told me

Customer:

there was also a brief drink with that girl and her boyfriend where i started chatting to him and telling him what i do etc and i felt some attraction from her

Customer:

and i was talking about his business with him and suggesting something to him

Customer:

and we went outside for a smoke and she said how proud she is of me and how well she thinks i have done

Customer:

(she has known me throughout the process of setting up my company etc)

Customer:

unfortunately the company had to come first after a while

Customer:

anyway where were we

Customer:

sorry

Coach Jen K. :

lol we were on you and what you want to do

Coach Jen K. :

no sorries

Coach Jen K. :

I am here

Customer:

i dont know what i want to do

Customer:

while i was in the cab to the airport i thought i would send her flowers then write a letter and send it when i feel ready

Coach Jen K. :

well then dont do anything at this point...sit with it all. send the flowers to her and see how you feel for a bit

Customer:

but i wonder if i should just do the flowers and then wait till we start talking again

Customer:

and just keep everything light until the next time i see her

Coach Jen K. :

Im fine with that...it is giving you some time to sit with your feelings and how you want to move forward

Customer:

then show her a good time when she is here or having a better idea of what i want to do if i visit her in ny again and making sure we get that alone time and that it is good

Customer:

(either way)

Customer:

i hope i havent put her off

Coach Jen K. :

yes and in the meantime in london..you do not stop your life and you have fun and be present with others

Customer:

yeah i need to find new friends here...

Customer:

ones that dont have longterm relationships and actually want to go out

Coach Jen K. :

and you can even date too!

Customer:

i knew that already but anna told me that too and that made me feel less attraction on her part

Customer:

because i havent done much but work since i had last seen her before NY

Coach Jen K. :

I am only saying that you cant stop your life

Customer:

i am torn though

Customer:

i am also inclined to write the letter

Customer:

but what do you think

Coach Jen K. :

what about we make a plan about that. sit with it for a day or two...write a draft and then come here and we can talk about it.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

but you definitely think there are still feelings on her side?

Coach Jen K. :

to me it sounds like it...the cuddling and sleeping in same bed...that is why I feel that

Customer:

and the only time she held my hand, she initiated it and it was around 4 of her friends

Customer:

do you think that is a sign

Coach Jen K. :

I just dont see a woman doing that if there arent feelings

Customer:

because contrarily, it felt like when there was potential for a romantic moment that she was putting up a wall

Coach Jen K. :

and she might be because of the circumstances...you live in london and she in ny and nobody communicating about any feelings

Customer:

i also considered messaging one of her friends and telling her to see if she can guage how anna feels

Coach Jen K. :

I am not a fan of that route

Customer:

i wish my free week was during spring break

Customer:

and not last week

Customer:

ok why?

Coach Jen K. :

because I am always a fan of direct communication and nothing else

Customer:

ok

Customer:

am i right to feel insecure about this, or should i be worrying less

Coach Jen K. :

you feel insecure because of how strong your feelings are and because you dont know what she really feels. that is normal. go easy on yourself

Customer:

one other thing is that she constantly kept referring to me as her ex, in general and around her friends too

Coach Jen K. :

and that is what you both are currently

Customer:

which i think was something we spoke about last time no

Customer:

it bothers me when she does that

Coach Jen K. :

I might let her know then what you feel more comfortable with

Customer:

and she was asking about my other ex that lives in NY and said at one point maybe you guys were meant to me

Customer:

she also said that me and this girl we both know in London would be good together

Customer:

(not the first time she has mentioned that)

Customer:

why would she do that

Coach Jen K. :

she says some things that dont make much sense...could be more testing. I truly dont know her motivations there...I can only help you figure out what works for you

Customer:

ok

Coach Jen K. :

you are my focus and helping you to find what works best for you

Customer:

so you think i should draft the letter and send it to you first?

Customer:

(also think about what i want to do the next couple of days)?

Coach Jen K. :

definitely draft it and if you feel comfortable to do so share it with me

Customer:

of course i would

Coach Jen K. :

ok then I would love to see it

Customer:

so maybe i will just come back when i have done that

Customer:

and shall i just keep trying to get in touch like tonight?

Coach Jen K. :

yes I also want to mention that we now have the ability to offer you additional services here...no pressure to do so, just wanted to tell you about it. we could skype. and if that does not feel right then we stay in this way of communicating. either way I am here

Customer:

ok cool

Customer:

i dont have to buy a membership to keep using the service do i?

Coach Jen K. :

no you do not. you can open up a new question as you did tonight and request me

Coach Jen K. :

and if for some reason it takes time like tonight, be patient as you were

Coach Jen K. :

so I will wait to hear from you?

Customer:

ok yes, it could be tomorrow night or the night after

Coach Jen K. :

ok, I will look forward to it. so please once again offer a rating now and I will be here when you need.

Customer:

ok sure

Customer:

thanks so much again Jen!

Coach Jen K. :

and if you desire the additional services you let me know and then the invitation to do so would be sent to you

Coach Jen K. :

my pleasure. take care of you. sit with your feelings and then write them down and bring them here

Customer:

ok thanks

Customer:

bye for now!

Coach Jen K. :

bye. get some sleep and thank you in advance for the positive rating

TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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