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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3531
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Hi! Ive never been this confused. Im not a girl, who goes

Resolved Question:

Hi! I've never been this confused. I'm not a girl, who goes out a lot. but one evening (was more than month ago), I said to my friends-I want to go out. So we did. I had nice time with my friends, and I met a guy. one of my friends, who knows him for like 10 years, told me, that his father has passed away 2 weeks ago. After half an hour I realized, that I'm sitting with him and just chatting. About everything-music, art, books, life, love-it was like really nice. In one moment, he asked me, if I'm single-I said that yes. Then he kissed me. Next day he asked me out, date went great. After a week I introduced him to my brother, as I'm living with my brother and his family. He said, he really likes me and he is amazed that he has met a girl, with who he clicks in so many ways. We have a lot in common. Really, 99% of interests. After 2 weeks, being already a couple, he said, that he wants to introduce me to his mother. I was freaked out, but-I did. After that evening, he stopped calling, didn't answer, just one message in 5 days. I told him, that I understand, that he is going through hard time, and if he needs some time to put everything together, I will understand. No answer, silence. After a week I was going out, because wanted to get out from all the problems, not only because of him, but because of other things, that has happened with myself lately. And I ran into him there. It was the same place, where we met. He said that he is sorry, that it's his fault, and he is just not ready for relationship. One thing, I don't understand-if he wasn't ready, why he started it all, why he told all his friends about me and why he introduced me to his mother. It's hard, I don't know what to think. All the time he kept telling me, that he doesn't want to lose me, and was really, really sweet. Like a perfect guy. And then suddenly, without a single word-it's over..Am I stupid or what?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 years ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

You are not stupid at all!

Coach Jen K. :

Why did he start at all? probably because he liked you a lot and may have been surprised by it but in the end felt like it was too soon for a relationship

Customer:

I didn't push for anything, I've done that kind of things, and lost people, that's why this time I didn't want to rush, especially because his father passed away suddenly and just few weeks ago, and I know, that he had great contact with his dad.

Coach Jen K. :

yes so you can see he is up and down with his emotions...give it some time and space and it may be where it all works out fine

Coach Jen K. :

if his emotions become more stable then he might reach back out...he already has by saying he was sorry...give him some time if you can

Customer:

basing on his words, that he is not ready, and all that terrible silence since the evening I met his mother-it seems that he never cared. I told him, that I'm freaked out to meet his mother, because in my view it's a huge step, he wanted that. I really, really like this guy. Never felt for anyone like I do for him. And I met him in bad time in my own life-my father sold our home, so I don't have place where to go anymore, and I have huge money problems. Between all this I was just hoping for something good to happen. Then I met him.

Coach Jen K. :

I am sorry to hear of all the stress for you. I think he did and does care but just may realize that right now he cant give what you deserve

Customer:

He told all his friends about me. And when I asked him, if he is ok, that I do such a silly thing, that I change my facebook relationship status to In a relationship, he said it's true and he is ok with that. I've lived in 4 different countries, and facebook is the only way how I can make my friends to know, how I'm going. In that evening, when I ran into him, he said, that he didn't want me to hange status. It's a silly thing, it's just facebook. And it's only because I can't reach all my friends by phone. he told his friends, but got scared, when I allowed mine to know, that I've met someone, about who I care.

Customer:

he knows, that I don't need fancy life, that I appreciate small things in life, that I never want a big, fancy house, expensive car or anything like that. I really don't, if I have someone next to, that I care about, it's all that matters to me. I don't care if he is rich, poor, fat, thin, tall, short etc.

Coach Jen K. :

it all moved quickly and I think he does care but maybe got scared

Coach Jen K. :

so is it possible to just let him be for a bit and see if he can reconnect?

Coach Jen K. :

it moved fast on both your ends and sometimes that can cause things to slow down rapidly as it has here but it does not mean he hasnt cared about you

Customer:

I texted him week ago,that I am ok, if he needs some time-week, two or half year, that I will understand. haven't got a single word from him since then.

Coach Jen K. :

ok and now I would leave it at that and let him come to you if he desires

Customer:

I know, it moved very fast. I was very surprised at the beginning. I'm wondering, why he disappeared after the evening, I met his mother.

Coach Jen K. :

because that is when it most likely felt very real for him and he realized he wasnt ready

Customer:

Why he had to rush..I was ok to wait, to let everything go as it should. So, in the end-I need to keep silent, and just hope that he could come back? that's torture, without even few words, that he need time. I asked our common friend yesterday-have you heard something from Sean? She said that no, and that she even doesn't understand what happened.

Customer:

she knows him for 10 years

Coach Jen K. :

yes it is torture for you but if you push him I think that wont help so yes sitting quiet and letting things happen as they will is the way to go here

Customer:

one more thing, that makes me so nervous...in the evening, when I met him for the first time, I was actually out to celebrate my ticket back to my country...I was thinking about leaving, after 6 months. And in that evening, I met him. he doesn't know anything. I didn't want him to know, and I even got return ticket now, and I'm going to my coutry only for few days..

Customer:

I'm abroad for 3 years

Customer:

and I have a ticket in August.

Customer:

I bought the ticket

Coach Jen K. :

ok and how does that affect him?

Coach Jen K. :

If he isnt responding then that is information on how he needs things now.

Coach Jen K. :

you can always let him know when you are back and see if he responds

Customer:

He knows, that I'm going to my country for 5 days, but it hurts me, that I've tried to return already 3 times, and every single time something went wrong. This time I bought the ticket, two week later told my friends and family, and in the evening I went to celebrate, I met someone, who become so important to me

Coach Jen K. :

I truly understand how hurt you are and I am so sorry you are in pain

Customer:

I've never been like this because of guys. And this time it's so painful just because I really care about him and like him. but I'm afraid, that I've lost him.

Customer:

I've always been like-if it's supposed to be, it will be

Customer:

but now..

Customer:

I have no clue

Coach Jen K. :

I think you have articulated it well. yes because of how you connected.

Coach Jen K. :

and hard to sit back but I dont think reaching out to him again will help him come to you if he is not ready. he has been clear that he is not ready for a relationship and although it is so painful for you you must find the place in you to respect that

Customer:

I do respect..I haven't said anything bad to him. when he said, that it's not me but him-I told him that it's never one person fault, that I'm not perfect and not blaming him. Just would like to know-why silence, why not single word. I don't have any rights to hold him, I know that.

Customer:

we both aren't teenagers, and I think that people in my age should understand, that if it's not working-you just have to talk to other person.

Coach Jen K. :

the silence I guess is his way of disconnecting...that is how he would like it. doesnt mean you have done anything wrong it just means he would prefer that there is no contact

Customer:

but to keep silent, just to disappear?

Customer:

that's not how 28 year old people do

Coach Jen K. :

your style is to communicate which is great and I am all for it but clearly his is to just leave it as it is..he has expressed to you that he didnt want a relationship

Coach Jen K. :

he is silent now after you reaching out to him but in his mind he has already expressed to you what he feels

Customer:

that he is sorry, that he knows he is a coward (which I don't think he is) and..

Customer:

yeah

Coach Jen K. :

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and move toward a place of acceptance

Customer:

like I would have a choice

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