Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am sorry but Elliot does not work at JustAnswer anymore.
hello Rafael, we've chatted before and i would appreciate your view
no problem, we have also chatted
I am glad to support you this time too.
so i've been seeing this man for a few months now, we live in different cities but we've both been making an effort. I think he's great. he's keen and funny, and really does make me feel good. i've been a bit scared because of previous relationships and he has some issues because of his family so we've been taking it slowly.
originally he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, he has only been in one for 6 months. whereas i've been in 2 lasting over 7 years.
so i've been holding back. he has been saying how much he loves spending time with me and his life is going really well now. he wants us to be exclusive and next weekend meet his family. all good.
OK. That seems good.
but i know now and again he does recreational drugs, not often. but he said he was going to yesterday and i haven't heard from him all day. he usually is in touch with me. i don't know whether i should be worried or if im overreacting?
I do not think anybody in our shoes would be overreacting with an issue like this, since whenever it is about drugs, abuse an dependency issues are very common, plus other mental health problems associated to the use of drugs.
Thus I think you should be worried for sure.
but i know people do this now and again and i wouldn't judge any one
like i say it's recreational, now and again.
You were wondering about this being a concern, a reason for you to be worried, and I think because of my professional experience that it is a concrete reason to be concerned, because of what I just described. Obviously I do not know anything about this person and how often and much, nor what drugs he use, but it is for sure, in my opinion a big read flag.
But if according to your value and belief systems, and life style the use of drugs is OK, then it could be fine for you in this situation, once you feel comfortable with it, and take it as something normal and healthy.
My suggestion is to be very objective for you to learn from experience about ow well each behavior leads to healthy or dysfunctional situations in life, in that way you would know what you truly want to afford or not.
i've felt very anxious today. i have experience of my father going out and not coming home and i've presumed something bad had happened to my boyfriend. he's been in touch to say he's ok but i don't know whether the problem lies with how i react to these situations or what the situation is
This time for example with his use of drugs he has stopped communication with you, so that's what you know about it, and what he told you about it, then everything else you would know about it would come from his actions, your experiences and how well his drug use promotes your relationship.
i don't want to be unreasonable. he hasn't done anything wrong. but i don't like feeling anxious.
I think it could be both, since you were traumatized or wounded by your father's behavior. But he has told you he is OK, what means he feels OK with his use of drugs, and you need to be clear also about how comfortable and fulfilled you feel about that and everything it involves, like the lack of communication and any other situation associated with it.
Then if you feel and believe it is fine, you should focus on working on your anxiety related to past traumatic or painful events in order for you not to feel this way in the present when finding yourself in situations that may trigger past wounds.
Does it make sense?
If he is telling you that he is fine, and you think he is taking good care of himself and the relationship, then you need to work on reducing your level of anxiety, and addressing fears from past painful experiences related to your father not coming home.
Are you still with me?
yes thank you. it does make sense. i think it definitely has triggered anxiety from my childhood. how do you recommend i deal with this?
my dad passed away 3 years ago and this week is his birthday and also the anniversary of his passing so i think i am feeling a bit fragile too
Do not repress but vent your feelings and emotions from those issues in healthy, cathartic ways, but talking to a friend, relative, writing them down in a journal, counseling, or expressing them through art or other activities that could help you release those feelings, an if possible process them so not to be limited by their impact in your present life.
I am sorry to know that, then you are more vulnerable during this time of the year, what could much more easily trigger fears and pain associated to what you experienced in the past.
Healthy spiritual practices could help a lot too to people who consider this dimension as important in their lives.
thank you, XXXXX XXXXX i need to practising doing that. i think i've probably freaked out my boyfriend my being in touch so much today, and being dramatic. how best do you think i should relate this to him? i don't want to scare him away.
Just being honest and open about it, sharing about how was your experience during that period of your life for him to be empathetic, understanding and supportive, as it should be in every healthy and mature relationship.
thank you. another thing that i don't know if i've lost perspective about is that he wants me to meet his parents. he does joke around a lot but i'm a bit confused because he actually said that he wouldn't say he's completely fallen in love with me but loves being with me and his feelings are growing all the time, he says he has no experience of really being a relationship. i see meeting the family as a big step but i think he sees not like that, it's no big deal. I'm quite nervous as not sure what it all means?
I agree with you that for some people like you, it could b a big step and very significant, but for other people it could be just as a friendly thing to do, with more or less commitment related significance.
i think it that way we are very different. he is relaxed and wants to see how things go and develop. I'm impatient and take it all too seriously i think.
Only time will show you how important or not this is for him. Also remember that even for people who consider meeting a boyfriend's family as a very important step, it does not mean it would promote or ensure a healthy and strong relationship, since healthy and destructive relationships happen with or without having met each others' families.
I see, very contrasting approaches then.
i'm starting to be unsure how this relationship can work
Then you need to work on developing "balance", which I think is the best approach, specially when it is about relationships; an dif you ask me which would be safer and reduce chances for wounding, I would say that taking things slowly is much better than acting impulsively, attaching to a person without truly knowing him well, nor how well you really work as partners, which you could only find out with time and a lot of sharing.
ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX a think about it all. i'm quite impulsive and my instinct is just to end it. i'm finding it pretty difficult. even though when we're together it's great, it's the being apart is too difficult.
You're very welcome. I understand, and hoe you could work on yourself specially about those past painful experiences that have impacted you so powerfully, and to find more balance in the way you approach relationships.
i will definitely try, thank you
You're welcome. Take gentle care.