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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi Debra, Please find below the latest text messages, she is

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Hi Debra, Please find below the latest text messages, she is adamant that she will not speak with me. Also there is a heavy involvement of the mum lorraine in this. Also I feel that there is some past history with her that she is not addressing. I understand that I will need to send a last letter to her explaining my feelings for her I will need help with it from you and will check all the answers that you have sent me for inspiration. I feel more than ever that this is a lost cause and dont know what to do. I am not sure what is happening with the texts when I paste them but her you are.
Jackie Thanks 13 Mar 2014 13:36:43
Jackie Hi I need to apply fur a health a road card for Jamie for his French trip. Could you let me know his nhs number , I think it's in the top right hand draw of where the passports were kept. It's a small card. Ta 13 Mar 2014 20:30:45
Martin Are kept do you mean. 13 Mar 2014 20:31:47
Martin I will have a look in a moment. 13 Mar 2014 20:32:16
Martin Jamie's football kit has turned up 13 Mar 2014 20:32:57
Jackie No I have his passport as I need to complete a form for a block school passport. Did he lose it ? 13 Mar 2014 20:34:03
Martin Please do not take this stuff from the house without letting me know. 13 Mar 2014 20:39:42
Martin(NNN) NNN-NNNN13 Mar 2014 20:40:48
Jackie Thanks for the number and I'm perfectly entitled to take his passport to sort out his French trip. 13 Mar 2014 20:42:56
Martin My love I am just asking that you let me know. 13 Mar 2014 20:43:54
Martin Football kit its the AC Milan one he wanted 13 Mar 2014 20:46:59
Jackie Ok 13 Mar 2014 20:47:01
Martin Thank you x 13 Mar 2014 20:47:41
Martin When is the trip 13 Mar 2014 20:48:45
Jackie 6th June 13 Mar 2014 20:50:01
Martin Cool I will put it on the infamous calendar 13 Mar 2014 20:50:37
Martin How did your counselloring go. 13 Mar 2014 20:51:26
Martin It's okay if rather not say. 13 Mar 2014 20:51:49
Jackie It was fine 13 Mar 2014 20:52:24
Martin You feature heavily in mine at the moment as I may yours:-( 13 Mar 2014 20:53:55
Jackie It's supposed to be about you not me 13 Mar 2014 20:56:07
Martin Ah we are complex beings and everything has a baring even our childhood. . 13 Mar 2014 20:57:27
Jackie Ta can you do mine , they need my details as well, bloody palava 13 Mar 2014 21:02:14
Martin How comes 13 Mar 2014 21:03:00
Martin You're not going 13 Mar 2014 21:03:11
Jackie I fill it all in in his name and details, press go to continue and it says becUse he's under 16 he has to go on a parents card? I'm trying to do it in my phone and the text is so small. I'm gonna leave it till I get to work so I can have a proper read if it all 13 Mar 2014 21:04:40
Jackie Thanks for that 13 Mar 2014 22:17:58
Martin No problem 13 Mar 2014 22:44:48
Martin Take care driving in. X 14 Mar 2014 08:00:47
Jackie I'm on the train Go an have a lunchtime drink with rose for her birthday. A13 pretty lousy this morning 14 Mar 2014 08:01:55
Martin Oh okay, meant it regardless. Have a good time catch up with you later. 14 Mar 2014 08:03:27
Jackie Thanks. Have fun with Jamie 14 Mar 2014 08:04:49
Martin Will do x 14 Mar 2014 08:05:07
Martin Lol typical Jamie has gone around a friends until 4. 15 Mar 2014 12:08:06
Jackie I'm round Lorraine's and jake is going round there too. You can use the time to do the housework lol 15 Mar 2014 12:09:33
Martin Jamie Miller just in case you wanted to know 15 Mar 2014 12:09:49
Martin Lol, thanks 15 Mar 2014 12:10:13
Martin Can you come round later and check my work. 15 Mar 2014 12:10:46
Martin You can pick up your post 15 Mar 2014 12:11:29
Martin Lorraine cheats she subcontracts it out. .lol 15 Mar 2014 12:13:13
Martin Wash day 15 Mar 2014 12:17:18
Jackie She's git the right idea! 15 Mar 2014 12:18:32
Martin Git the right idea or got lol 15 Mar 2014 12:25:10
Jackie Got for sure! 15 Mar 2014 12:30:30
Jackie Where have you stashed it all! 15 Mar 2014 12:39:46
Martin Tip 15 Mar 2014 12:46:02
Martin Told you things would be changing. . 15 Mar 2014 13:03:19
Jackie Good carry on! 15 Mar 2014 13:04:03
Martin Ahh thanks 15 Mar 2014 13:13:59
Martin More stuff goone lol 15 Mar 2014 16:12:02
Jackie I hear Jamie is round Jamie m 's tonight. Peaceful night for you then! Can you have him back to me by 12 please? Lorraine is doing us dinner tomorrow. Thanks 15 Mar 2014 19:06:46
Martin I am sorry but he wants to see me tomorrow so he can't make it 15 Mar 2014 20:45:19
Martin I am not sure what time he will get to me tomorrow 15 Mar 2014 20:46:00
Martin More for you to have 15 Mar 2014 20:46:38
Martin I can drop him off around 6. 16 Mar 2014 06:57:00
Jackie I will have to rush my dinner and get home. Which I will do, I think we need to make a more formal arrangement so we know what's what in future ? 16 Mar 2014 09:14:05
Martin 6 is just a time do you want to make it earlier or later, I would like to spend some time with him. 16 Mar 2014 09:22:34
Jackie I appreciate that,
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question. Every thing you both talk about is very civil. You both get a long every well. I don't see any changes in the conversations. It is you both doing what is best for your child. Because you both still get a long so well, I feel there is room for you both to get back together, but it is going to take some time on her end.

Dear XXXXX :

The reason why is because she is still trying to find that balance in her life.

Dear XXXXX :

She is trying to find solutions to how she feels about certain aspects in her life. She is having trouble with finding that happiness she once had. She is trying to get her emotions together to be that women she use to be. But what she needs to understand is some times you can never be that person again,because you grow into a new woman when things change in life.

Dear XXXXX :

But I feel the love for each other is still there. She might not think at this time it is fair too you for her to feel this way. She might feel like she is burdening you with all her emotions.

Dear XXXXX :

So she is trying to get herself tougher so that you both can have that great relationship again.

Customer:

Sorry Debra it got worst the system wouldnt let me add the worst bit..

Customer:

Sorry it got worse please see below

Customer:

















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































JackieI appreciate that, but he won't get a proper dinner now. And it makes my day awkward. Any earlier and i may as well cancel the roast plans and that's not fair on Lorraine as she has brought the food now. Stick to 6 and I'll make sure I'm home. I assume he's done his homework? We need more formal timings next time so we can both make plans.16 Mar 2014 09:28:16
MartinContrary to the past which I can do nothing about. I do miss him and you very much. I enjoy the noise you made. I am not going to repeat the past but create a new future. Changes are being made and more are following16 Mar 2014 09:28:23
MartinThen perhaps you could ask me rather than tell me. I am sorry but Lorraine's plans are nothing to do with me.16 Mar 2014 09:31:31
MartinWhy do keep Texting me why can't you call me16 Mar 2014 09:33:09
JackieI understand you miss him , so that's why we need to make it more formal so we both know where we are. You need to change if you want to, please don't do it for me as it's too late. I won't be coming home. I appreciate Lorraine's plans are nothing to do with you, but these were my plans. I can't talk to you at the moment because I have no wish to do so right now.16 Mar 2014 09:37:02
MartinPlease don't turn into something that you are not. You are lovely16 Mar 2014 09:37:14
JackieBy the way he has his doodle, science and mood board homework to do.16 Mar 2014 09:37:21
MartinOkay he has not mentioned that I will get him on it16 Mar 2014 09:38:19
JackieYou're making me act like this. One moment your all very nice, then the spiteful bits keep popping up. I have no choice. I don't think for one moment you will ever lose thAt part of your personality, and that is what has driven me away.16 Mar 2014 09:39:57
MartinI am changing because I have to. I didn't understand how things were. I would love you to return and will change for you16 Mar 2014 09:40:27
MartinI am sorry but you are so wrong on this.16 Mar 2014 09:41:43
JackieNo I can't do that. I cannot waste and other god knows how long and set myself back to square one again. You always end up being nasty or unreasonable when things don't go your way. I'm not treading on egg shells anymore and it's a relief. I will have to make a lot of changes but I will do it.16 Mar 2014 09:44:19
MartinThe spiteful bits will go, I am feeling better and feel that I am returning to the Martin16 Mar 2014 09:44:29
JackieWill go! No sign of that yet I'm afraid .I'm not taking that chance.16 Mar 2014 09:45:55
MartinYou can trust me I am not going to let you down. .I know that you have heard it all before but these past weeks have been an experience for me. I have taken so much from it. Learned from it., my values have changed dramatically. I said will because no one is perfect. But we can try.16 Mar 2014 09:48:55
MartinPlease can you tell when I have been nasty, spiteful.16 Mar 2014 09:50:20
MartinYou are really angry at me which I can understand but it is all about how i was now. Not about how I am now.16 Mar 2014 09:52:01
MartinIf you were to come back it would not be as before, neither of us liked the past it would be a fresh start. .nothing would be as before.16 Mar 2014 09:54:17
JackieI don't trust you not to let me down and I am not coming home I just can't - it's not my home anymore which upsets me. I need you to agree to sell it so I can get a new home. Living at mums is not realistic longer term.16 Mar 2014 09:56:35
MartinYou can trust me, you really can..16 Mar 2014 09:57:44
JackieNo. Please will you agree to sell up ?16 Mar 2014 09:58:22
MartinNo16 Mar 2014 09:58:41
MartinI want you back, come home try for a month and then if you are still in the same mind then we can get something sorted.16 Mar 2014 10:00:59
JackieI can't go back16 Mar 2014 10:02:24
MartinYou can trust me if ever there was a time when you could now is the time16 Mar 2014 10:03:44
MartinYou can have your old room back16 Mar 2014 10:04:49
MartinHave friends round16 Mar 2014 10:05:13
MartinHave me time16 Mar 2014 10:05:26
MartinMe and Jamie will be able to get together more16 Mar 2014 10:05:55
MartinAnd you will see the Martin that you loved appear before your eyes16 Mar 2014 10:06:42
MartinWe were great together before and can be again. We make great parents.16 Mar 2014 10:12:29
JackieIt's too late. That house isn't mine anymore and I would always be waiting for something to set you off. My nervousness would never go away and I am not living like that ever again. Please reconsider selling the house so I can move on.16 Mar 2014 10:13:17
MartinEverything I said I mean you need to trust me again it would not be as before16 Mar 2014 10:14:40
JackieNo16 Mar 2014 10:15:04
MartinI am sorry but you are so wrong. ..16 Mar 2014 10:16:10
JackieIt's too late Martin. I want to move on.16 Mar 2014 10:17:03
MartinIt is not you are under intense pressure all around and I am the one person that can help you.16 Mar 2014 10:18:40
JackieNot at all - the only way you. CAn help me is to agree to sell up.16 Mar 2014 10:20:20
MartinNo sorry I don't agree. .16 Mar 2014 10:20:42
JackieOK but you appreciate I can't stay here forever and I'm not going to pay for you to live in a 4 bedroom house?16 Mar 2014 10:22:23
MartinWe will need to tackle this together without any one else's input. They mean well.16 Mar 2014 10:24:36
JackieBut you're not listening to what I want!16 Mar 2014 10:25:22
MartinI am16 Mar 2014 10:25:35
MartinBut likewise16 Mar 2014 10:25:53
JackieThen sell the house and let me move on,16 Mar 2014 10:26:20
MartinThat's not what I want16 Mar 2014 10:27:17
MartinI want time to prove to you that I can change16 Mar 2014 10:27:50
MartinEverything that you mentioned is achieve able by me.16 Mar 2014 10:29:28
MartinI can turn my life around16 Mar 2014 10:30:59
JackieBut I'm not coming back to you. I have wasted years of my life waiting for you to change and I'm not doing anymore. I'm exhausted and I am not putting my self in that position again ever.16 Mar 2014 10:31:30
MartinWe have never been in this position before. This is the most important moment ever and I know that I can rise to it. You would not be trapped in this life of old. It would be a fresh start in every sense. Please come with me16 Mar 2014 10:34:32
JackieCan you just drop Jamie off at 6 as agreed please. You also need to speak to him as he obviously has no idea what is happening today. Jake has told him about lunch and he thinks he's going to that. Could you please let him know what's going on and give him a decent dinner? Please don't give him any reason to worry anymore than he already is. This is between you and I16 Mar 2014 10:36:29
MartinIt is. Unfortunately I will have to go with the original plan then. I don't want to confuse him16 Mar 2014 10:40:14
MartinSo he will be going with you to Lorraine s16 Mar 2014 10:40:42
MartinI will see him another time. .16 Mar 2014 10:41:26
JackieThank you what time will you drop him home?16 Mar 2014 10:41:27
JackieWe can sort that out.16 Mar 2014 10:42:02
MartinNot sure I have no idea now what is going on. I just know that over the weekend I haven't seen him much16 Mar 2014 10:42:33
MartinI don't talk about us in front of him. Only saying that I love you both lots16 Mar 2014 10:44:07
JackieHe's at that age he is going to be out and about and now it's summer we will see him even less. That's we there had to be arrNgements in place fir both of us16 Mar 2014 10:44:09
MartinWe will need to tackle that later. He has just turned up16 Mar 2014 10:45:53
MartinLol16 Mar 2014 10:45:56
JackieOk can you drop him back for. 12?16 Mar 2014 10:46:46
MartinI will but you will need to know that you can trust me again. X16 Mar 2014 10:48:32
JackieThank you. Do you want Jamie next Saturday night? I'm over Kim's and he can come but am sure he would rather be with you16 Mar 2014 10:49:56
MartinI have been invited to the house warming ss we ll16 Mar 2014 10:51:07
MartinRay wants me to come16 Mar 2014 10:51:32
JackieOk no problem16 Mar 2014 10:51:48
MartinIs it the same thing16 Mar 2014 10:52:07
JackieYes16 Mar 2014 10:53:01
MartinOk will you be okay with me going16 Mar 2014 10:53:45
MartinIf you like I can pick you up as i won't be drinking16 Mar 2014 10:59:45
JackieYes go I'm never going to stop that, ray is your friend. Don't worry I'll get there under my own steam.16 Mar 2014 11:04:46
MartinCan you please stop doing this. I am going that way I will be civil respectful and nice to you. I will have Jamie in the car I am not going to be nasty to you.16 Mar 2014 11:08:16
JackieI have no idea what's going on now with Jamie. I have to go round Lorraine's now so you won't be able to drop him off.16 Mar 2014 12:10:12
MartinI have just spoken to him.16 Mar 2014 12:13:06
MartinI thought that he was going to leave with jake.16 Mar 2014 12:13:45
MartinI had been waiting for him but then thought that he was going with jake16 Mar 2014 12:15:00
MartinAll very confusing16 Mar 2014 12:15:12
JackieNo you said he's home. And you would bring him home at 12. Forget it I'm going out now. You sort him out .16 Mar 2014 12:15:52
MartinI did but he was only in to get his shorts for the jacuzzi. Have you not spoken to him16 Mar 2014 12:16:59
JackieYes I have but what we agreed is not what he is doing. Or if it got updated no one had told me.16 Mar 2014 12:18:43
MartinThat's not a nice way to refer to him. I didn't make these arrangements, you did. He has just decided to do his own thing.16 Mar 2014 12:18:53
MartinI didn't update anything I haven't spoken to him until a moment ago.16 Mar 2014 12:19:41
MartinI have been waiting to take him to you.16 Mar 2014 12:20:06
MartinHe is keeping Jamie Miller company as he feels sorry for him
.
16 Mar 2014 12:21:20
JackieWhat are you talking about ! I made no arrangements he heard about dinner from jake not me and said he wanted to go and you agreed he could. He's with you so you should be talking to him and be in the know abou what he is doing not me!16 Mar 2014 12:22:55
JackieWell I'm not a mind reader. Look I'm wound up now just go away and have him to me by 6 unless he comes home with jake16 Mar 2014 12:22:58
MartinI have not been involved in the arrangements I saw him for a few moments when he got his shorts. If you want to blame someone for this mess then look elsewhere. Maybe at Lorraine's I have not told him anything other than to confirm that he was going to Lorraine's for dinner.16 Mar 2014 12:26:23
MartinIf you are wound up focus on the right place I know that it may not be easy but its not me. Its Lorraine16 Mar 2014 12:29:20
MartinJust for the record I have seen Jamie once for 5mins and spoken to him on the phone once today both times I told him about the dinner. Please could you take your time before you text me.16 Mar 2014 12:45:24
JackieThe plan was that you would have Jamie Friday and Saturday night. I thought he would be home on Sunday. Jamie is not coming to Lorraine's now. So please can you bring him home for 6. Lorraine has nothing to with with how I am feeling. Her advice to me is that I need to make my own decisions and if I go home to you I must not worry about whoever thinks it is a wrong decision she has told me she will not Influence my decision or give me any advice as she had no idea of your side of the story. Kim and Tina have said the same to me. I am making my decisions based on how I am feeling so please don't think my friends are against you. Lorraine has been a Really good friend to me. I'm in a house I grew up in and had the most horrible time in, I have none if my own comforts and she has allowed me to crY and rant without judging you or me at all.16 Mar 2014 13:01:48
MartinThat is why I am the best person to be with you. You really cannot begin to imagine how much I love you. How much I feel for you. I have been trying to get across to you for a while that I am not the problem16 Mar 2014 15:01:37
Martinbut the solution. .you have seen and been through so so much with out any help. I can see that now I am so conscious of that now. I would be the greatest person that you would meet. I have added to your problems in the past but no more. We need help with this I will support you through this.16 Mar 2014 15:02:19
MartinOur pasts need sorting out otherwise they stay and fester poisoning everything. I really feel like this is the case. I am so sure that now that I know about them I can get us to a better relationship. I have never been this adamant about something. I want so much to come and get you.16 Mar 2014 15:03:20
MartinI know you have heard this all before but I can do it. And as for Lorraine or anyone else not knowing my side of it I am happy to talk to her or them respectfully XXXXX XXXXX16 Mar 2014 15:07:35
MartinYou are worth moving mountains for. Xx16 Mar 2014 15:11:14
MartinThe kind of partner that you will have would only exist in your friends dreams.16 Mar 2014 15:20:15
MartinPlease don't respond straight aware it may useful if your counsellor got to see it before you answered. Mine find that they help16 Mar 2014 16:52:00
Customer:

What time is best to contact you at.

Customer:

debra there is something else that doesnt show here about her Im not sure what it is but can you see anything. She has issues from before she met me,

Customer:

her sister was molested by her stepdad, she hates her mum and is using her now, she said that her real dad tried to buy her with money, and she keeps saying about this neglect issue,

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