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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am 55 years old and I am currently in a relationship with

Resolved Question:

I am 55 years old and I am currently in a relationship with a very nice man whom I met online 8 months ago. He posted his age as 67. I had decided that my upper age limit would be 62, but as we seemed to have lots in common I decided that I could put up with him being the age he said he was. After numerous dates I found out by going onto a website that he had directed me to that he was actually 78 and had lied about his age. He had also lied about the ages of his five grown up children from two marriages, (which ended due to his infidelities), as I am practically the same age as his eldest daughter, so he tried to make out she was 47 instead of 54. These disclosures seem to have changed the dynamics of the relationship, as has a few health problems, and I just don’t fancy him any more as I just can’t cope with the generation gap, and I don’t really find him attractive, although I am very fond of him, and he loves me. He wants me to be with him for the rest of his life, but I want to break up with him as I cannot see a future, and any future seems to feature me as his younger companion. (I also look much younger than my age, usually get mistaken for being no more than 40 so it can be a embarrassing being out together). I have tried to talk to him about the age gap – he is very fixed in his ways – but he says that as we are happy together we shouldn’t part, and he doesn’t want to let me go. He doesn’t seem to see any problems and he also thinks that it is quite normal to have sex once a week or every two weeks, whilst in my previous relationships I had been happy with 2-4 times a week. I don’t want to hurt him, as he gets very sad when I bring all this up and tries to convince me that there are lots of people with a 20 year or more age gap, and love should not affect age. What can I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know bout this very sad, frustrating and concerning situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is very alarming to see how a person this old could be this dishonest, manipulative and feel just fine with it after having promoted your attachment and affection for the past 8 months!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I feel very concerned about you allowing this person to influence or manipulate you, since the facts you have found about his life, and the pattern he has shown towards you are obviously very concerning, and I thin unacceptable for a person of his age to be this dishonest to the point of use and abuse your feelings this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see how you are having a hard time ending the relationship, but it is obvious that while he feels absolutely fine with everything, your situation is far away from good, you do not even feel comfortable with a person who can lie this easily, and be so self-centered to the point of totally dismissing your core needs, expectations and your right to have a person who could truly respect, support and lve you in healthy ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes it does. To be fair to him, he is very kind but he also has all the infirmities of old age, and he isn't facing up to the fact that he is 78 and not 48, and its very frustrating and annoying for me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The most manipulative people use to be the more charming ones, and this is why you need to be very objective, realistic and never tolerate nor enable anybody to use, abuse or manipulate you otherwise you would giving up your power, self-sabotaging and ending into a very frustrating and unhealthy life situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your first right, need and responsibility is to respect, understand, protect, love and be truthful with yourself, in this way you would be taking good care of yourself, know how to set healthy boundaries and limits and never allow anybody under any circumstance to use or abuse you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A person showing this behavior cannot even become a real, good friend, since he does not even respect you, so the more you expose to him, the more energy, life, time, tranquility, health you would waste, and you can be sure he would make everything possible to manipulate you as long as you enable it, that's the way people like him get things their way.

Customer:

Thanks. I think deep down I want to end this relationship and I think that's what I am going to do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I fully support you, please be loyal to yourself, taking good care of your life, it is precious and you do not need nor deserve any of this, but a person able and willing to truly respect you, fulfill all your core needs and longing, care about you, compatible with you are every core level, so you could share as real life partners, without any form of abuse, neglect or manipulation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can contact me using this direct link to my profile http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/expert-rafael-morales-toia/, just make sure you state "For Rafael only" in your request, for other experts to know you want me to reply, and I will respond in less than an hour most of the time.

Customer:

Thank you - one more question. What do you think of the age gap? Don't you think it is a bit too much. I do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. believe me that I have no problem with age differences, I have always dated people older than me, some age difference would not be a problem as long as core areas were truly fully compatible, and obviously both persons totally honest and mature, otherwise it would not work, and when it is about this huge age difference, it becomes very unrealistic, even more if the person is dishonest and immature.

Customer:

Thank you very much for your advice. You have only reinstated what I have been thinking, and friends have been telling me he should not have lied, and I must be careful, and not just regard him as a harmless old man. Thank you and goodbye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet! Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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